Film, Media & TV1 min ago
Are you free in June?
25 Answers
Are any of you free in June?
I have just won a phone-in competition on Talk Sport !!!!!!!!!!
It's a trip to the World Cup for me and 3 friends.
4 weeks in South Africa, all expenses paid, £5,000 spending money.
The flights are from Gatwick on Thursday 10th June ... so, if any of you are free ... !!!
... could you drop round on the Friday and put my bins out please.
I have just won a phone-in competition on Talk Sport !!!!!!!!!!
It's a trip to the World Cup for me and 3 friends.
4 weeks in South Africa, all expenses paid, £5,000 spending money.
The flights are from Gatwick on Thursday 10th June ... so, if any of you are free ... !!!
... could you drop round on the Friday and put my bins out please.
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you *** me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you *** me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Brilliant ummmm
never seen that one.
Seen these?.........
BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals..
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
never seen that one.
Seen these?.........
BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals..
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France .
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France .
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
As it happens......ererrerererererererrerrrrrrrrr ( thats Jimmy Saville btw )......yep
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er .. .......
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona .
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific..
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er .. .......
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona .
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific..
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan .
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ........... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan .
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ........... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... ..... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... ..... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
