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Help Me Help My Mum?
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Hi there,
This is probably going to sound more like a rant than an actual question, but i would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in, or is experiencing, a similar situation.
Basically, my mother moved in with me and my bf in our 1 bedroom flat almost a year ago. She had been living with a friend/work collegue since separating from her husband but, for some obscure reason things hadn't worked out, so she called me at 2am one night to pick her up and she has been crashing on our sofa ever since.
I really hope nobody thinks I'm being horrible because i love my mum dearly and all i want is to see her back on her feet and happy, but several dark episodes have occured during her time living here, which has left me in an incredibly difficult situation.
About 4 months after she came to stay, my mum had a breakdown which i took her to hospital for and she was prescrbed anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I felt a sense of relief that she was finally getting help as i knew she had been depressed for quite some time but up until that point, she had refused any treatment. Unfortunately, it has come to light that she had stopped taking her medication and the depression is getting worse.
Alcohol has also been an issue for some years now and i know she needs help with this also, but she wont admit she's got a problem. Just yesterday she came home from lunch with a friend and was absolutely plastered. She couldn't walk or talk properly and this morning i found all her bedding and night clothes, soaked in urine and stuffed down the back of a drawer, and this isn't the first time its happened.
Finally, she gambles. She tries to convince me that the only games she plays online are the free ones, but the fact that she earns twice as much as i do, and for the past 3 months she hasn't paid anything towards food (an arrangement we previously agreed on) plus she has been borrowing money from me, would suggest otherwise.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant and have found it impossible to enjoy any aspect of my pregnancy due to this situation and i just can't take it anymore.
I'm not the confronting type and so i'm finding myself stuck between a rock and a hard place with this: I can't/ dont want to say anything to her and risk making her worse, but i can't live like this anymore.
I could handle her staying with us for the long term if it weren't for the depression, the drink, the gambling and all the lies that come with it, but how can I help her, when she wont help herself?
I feel like she's no longer the woman i fondly call my mum and just want to see happier and healthier
This is probably going to sound more like a rant than an actual question, but i would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in, or is experiencing, a similar situation.
Basically, my mother moved in with me and my bf in our 1 bedroom flat almost a year ago. She had been living with a friend/work collegue since separating from her husband but, for some obscure reason things hadn't worked out, so she called me at 2am one night to pick her up and she has been crashing on our sofa ever since.
I really hope nobody thinks I'm being horrible because i love my mum dearly and all i want is to see her back on her feet and happy, but several dark episodes have occured during her time living here, which has left me in an incredibly difficult situation.
About 4 months after she came to stay, my mum had a breakdown which i took her to hospital for and she was prescrbed anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I felt a sense of relief that she was finally getting help as i knew she had been depressed for quite some time but up until that point, she had refused any treatment. Unfortunately, it has come to light that she had stopped taking her medication and the depression is getting worse.
Alcohol has also been an issue for some years now and i know she needs help with this also, but she wont admit she's got a problem. Just yesterday she came home from lunch with a friend and was absolutely plastered. She couldn't walk or talk properly and this morning i found all her bedding and night clothes, soaked in urine and stuffed down the back of a drawer, and this isn't the first time its happened.
Finally, she gambles. She tries to convince me that the only games she plays online are the free ones, but the fact that she earns twice as much as i do, and for the past 3 months she hasn't paid anything towards food (an arrangement we previously agreed on) plus she has been borrowing money from me, would suggest otherwise.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant and have found it impossible to enjoy any aspect of my pregnancy due to this situation and i just can't take it anymore.
I'm not the confronting type and so i'm finding myself stuck between a rock and a hard place with this: I can't/ dont want to say anything to her and risk making her worse, but i can't live like this anymore.
I could handle her staying with us for the long term if it weren't for the depression, the drink, the gambling and all the lies that come with it, but how can I help her, when she wont help herself?
I feel like she's no longer the woman i fondly call my mum and just want to see happier and healthier
Answers
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Did she and her husband own or share any property? Is she entitled to anything concrete. Look at the legal stuff first. If she is earning a lot more than you she should be able to rent her own flat, at least. This needs to be the first step, then you might look at the other problems, later.
It is surely time to gently help her on her way, especially as you have a baby coming soon
It is surely time to gently help her on her way, especially as you have a baby coming soon
Difficult. Is she aware at all of how you feel? Why has she stopped her medication? Hard though it might be, i do think you'll have to explain to her that she is welcome to stay with you, providing she goes back to the doctor and follows his advice. Maybe you could also give a note to the doctor, or speak to him yourself, if you think she won't admit to the drinking, etc. It's fair enough, especially as you'll have a baby to look after soon, too. Good luck.
All the financial and legal stuff has already been sorted between her and her ex, so nothing left to come out of that situation, but thank you Cloverjo. As for her havg her own place, she wont. We've had many a chat about this when she's been in an "open" mood. Basically this is the first time in her life she has ever been completely alone, no husband or kids and she said in her own words that she just can't live alone.
When first posted I skimmed this thread knowing I had no time to analyse it in detail before going to work, but my general view was basically what Sally said. This needs professional help. Society ought not expect a family member to cope with this on their own.
I am not knowledgeable enough to know if you seek help from the medical profession or the social department though.
I am not knowledgeable enough to know if you seek help from the medical profession or the social department though.
Even though she is your mother I think you are being far too good to her.
You don't have a four bedroom house where she can sleep, you have a one bedroom flat, and that is meant for 1 or 2 adults, not 3.
You also have a baby on the way so you need all the space (and peace) you can get a the moment.
Having her living there, even if she was the nicest person in the world, would be difficult, but if she drinks, and gambles and has other problems it must be awful. Even worse she borrows money of you.
I am afraid you seem a bit of a soft touch. You need to get MUCH tougher.
Tell her she has a certain time to move out (a month say).
Tell her she has to pay towards the rent/food while she is there.
I also agree with cloverjo, I cant believe she would get nothing out of her marriage that failed.
Did they not own a house? Is the husband still living there? If so, and there are no other children living there, she can force the sale of this house and get half the money (or get her ex husband to buy her out of her half).
I know it may tough telling your mother she has to move out of your flat, but you have to do it for the sake of your boyfriend and upcoming child. Your mother has to learn to stand on her own two feet.
GET TOUGHER. Or your mother will sponge off you forever.
You don't have a four bedroom house where she can sleep, you have a one bedroom flat, and that is meant for 1 or 2 adults, not 3.
You also have a baby on the way so you need all the space (and peace) you can get a the moment.
Having her living there, even if she was the nicest person in the world, would be difficult, but if she drinks, and gambles and has other problems it must be awful. Even worse she borrows money of you.
I am afraid you seem a bit of a soft touch. You need to get MUCH tougher.
Tell her she has a certain time to move out (a month say).
Tell her she has to pay towards the rent/food while she is there.
I also agree with cloverjo, I cant believe she would get nothing out of her marriage that failed.
Did they not own a house? Is the husband still living there? If so, and there are no other children living there, she can force the sale of this house and get half the money (or get her ex husband to buy her out of her half).
I know it may tough telling your mother she has to move out of your flat, but you have to do it for the sake of your boyfriend and upcoming child. Your mother has to learn to stand on her own two feet.
GET TOUGHER. Or your mother will sponge off you forever.
You can tactfully and kindly point out that whilst you have the space you are ok wither staying but she should make an effort to do her bit by taking her medicine and helping with the bills.
And introduce the fact that with a child on the way you both need to come up with a plan for her to be settled elsewhere where she has close company/friends.
And introduce the fact that with a child on the way you both need to come up with a plan for her to be settled elsewhere where she has close company/friends.
You've been really good to her - but you have to have a straight talk with her, you and your bf - to say that with the baby coming, she has to move on. It was only supposed to be a temporary arrangement and there will be no room for her once the baby (and all its paraphernalia) comes along. Sometimes it hurts to be tough, but she's sponging off you. Stop preparing food for her until she contributes, stop letting her do her laundry, and so on. She can't live with you without contributing, she's not a teenager, and you have to stop treating her like one. She may not be well, she may be in need of help, but this will go on forever if you don't put your foot down. Now.
thank you very much to everyone for all your advice, i do greatly appreciate it.
i know the only real answer is to grow a backbone for myself and take charge of the situation, and it will then just be a case of getting through to her on a "good" day.
I'm so glad that nobody has yet posted anything negative i.e. i'm being selfish, so thank you for not doing that.
VHG - Any money she did get from the sale of the house her and her ex shared has all gone. The vices she has aren't cheap and i can only assume that its gone on them.
Pixie373 & Old_Geezer - i have been to both my and her doctor and the consensus is that they cannot intervene unless she goes to them directly. I know it sounds like i'm deliberately making the situation more difficult than it needs to be, but i'm trying not too.
i know the only real answer is to grow a backbone for myself and take charge of the situation, and it will then just be a case of getting through to her on a "good" day.
I'm so glad that nobody has yet posted anything negative i.e. i'm being selfish, so thank you for not doing that.
VHG - Any money she did get from the sale of the house her and her ex shared has all gone. The vices she has aren't cheap and i can only assume that its gone on them.
Pixie373 & Old_Geezer - i have been to both my and her doctor and the consensus is that they cannot intervene unless she goes to them directly. I know it sounds like i'm deliberately making the situation more difficult than it needs to be, but i'm trying not too.
i think you do need to give her an ultimatum - to go to her dr with you now or leave. take her to her gp and ask for a referral to the local mental health team for an assessment and help with her depression, misuse of drugs and alcohol addiction. all of these things are within the remit of mental health services and she will need a good, well-integrated package of care to sort her life out. secondly, i think you need to insist when she next gets paid that she goes and finds herself accommodation. it can be near to you so that she remains supported and able to pop round - and you will have a more 'normal' mother-daughter relationship. tell her that this needs to happen before your relationship is completely destroyed and she ends up with nothing. it may sound harsh, or a lot for your mother to acheive in a short space of time, but you do need your own space/life at present. how is your partner coping with all this mess? you should also impress upon your mother that this situation may end up destroying your relationship if the status quo carries on. be firm and stick to whatever decisions/timelines are made - and make a plan/write stuff down before you talk to her so that you remember everything you want to say. be firm, set boundaries and push her into making them - at the end of the day, she is an adult and responsible for herself.....you need to remind her of that fact.
If you are honest with yourself you know what you need to do, and you are looking for people to tell you the same to give you the impetus to act. Totally understandable.
There is clearly an expiry date on the arrangement....and its in about 20 weeks time. There won't be enough to room in a one-bed flat once baby arrives. Your mum knows this too so alternative living arrangements for her surely won't come as a surprise.
She clearly needs to go back on her medication as without it she doesn't feel strong enough to cope with living alone. Why not look for a property very close by so that you can help each other out? You'll need her help when baby arrives and hopefully she wont feel too isolated. Perhaps look yourself so you can show her a nice flat or two that you've seen already and know are appropriate for her (so she can't say this one or that one won't do as its not near a bus stop, for example)?
Ignoring the situation is not going to help either of you so be proactive now by showing her you are helping her out, not trying to get rid of her.
There is clearly an expiry date on the arrangement....and its in about 20 weeks time. There won't be enough to room in a one-bed flat once baby arrives. Your mum knows this too so alternative living arrangements for her surely won't come as a surprise.
She clearly needs to go back on her medication as without it she doesn't feel strong enough to cope with living alone. Why not look for a property very close by so that you can help each other out? You'll need her help when baby arrives and hopefully she wont feel too isolated. Perhaps look yourself so you can show her a nice flat or two that you've seen already and know are appropriate for her (so she can't say this one or that one won't do as its not near a bus stop, for example)?
Ignoring the situation is not going to help either of you so be proactive now by showing her you are helping her out, not trying to get rid of her.
Think about your future. You can't have this situation when you have a baby at home it could actually be dangerous. Tell, not ask, you mum she has a month to find her own place and go help her look. If she refuses tell her that she will be living in a hostel if she does not find herself her own accommodation. Be firm, it is not practical or appropriate that she sleeps on your sofa now or when the baby arrives. how would you feel if she got drunk and did something horrible to the baby? You can't help an obsessive person and all her problems are obsessive, they have to help themselves and always need an ultimatum before they will do anything.
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