Which Start Is Better And Feed Back Plz?

[tomke001]

So I'm writing a book and I want to get your opinion. Which version is best and any feed back is welcome but please don't be rude.

My book is about a young girl who's father has died. But has returned from the dead and is going to kill seven people. After murdering her mother she ends up being taken to a old house full of children and teenagers. The owners of the house abuse the her and the others and use them for prostitution. There ends up being a connection between the house and her dad and finding out the truth is the only way to stop him.

Version one

The house had never been the same since Farther died .I've always known he never left us not fully anyway. It was the first night I had to be left home alone. Mum was off to London on a business trip for a whole week. The maid was off with the flu and the butler quit after my father’s death. I kept telling mum over and over he was here watching us and planning some revenge but she never listened to me. It was a quiet Sunday night and mum was getting ready to leave as I got ready for bed. I opened the wooden chest in my room took out some red checked pyjamas and put them on.
"Hurry up I'm ready to go" my mother squealed I crept down the oak stairs and gave her a hug. My bottom lip trembled "please mother don't go" I begged clinging round her neck like an over grown ape. She just looked at me, stroked my soft black hair and sighed "My darling mummy doesn't have a choice you will be alright you can have your friends over while I'm away”. I just looked at her strangely "No one will come around they all think I'm insane and what if he gets me while you’re gone?" I said She folded her arms rolled her eyes "Don't be so silly there is no one other then you who will be in the house now be a good girl mummy loves you" she said kissing me on the forehead as she went out and got into her car. I ran into the front room drew back the gigantic red curtains and watched her drive away into the darkness.


Version two

Sitting on her bed Charlotte’s mother held her and softly whispered the words “your father is dead”. The man she never got to know, the man who apparently was an evil bastard, had just killed himself. Charlotte couldn’t hide the fact she wasn’t upset as they never met. But she desperately wanted to know what could make a man who was just about to be released from Prison want to kill himself? He had been arrested for the murder of two young girls which he had raped and brutally beaten to death just after his daughter’s birth fourteen years ago.
Even two weeks after being told, Charlotte was still sat alone in her room trying to think what could possibly make a man who was about to be released commit suicide. At first she thought murder but there was no evidence to support it. Looking out of her old dusty window, she could see that a storm was brewing outside which was strange considering it was warm and sunny a few seconds ago. In fact when she thought about it nothing had been right since her father’s death. It was only yesterday she thought she could hear someone chanting the words “I will kill her”, and yet no one else seemed to notice the small changes like the weather which had been sunny, snowing, boiling and stormy all week. Or the fact that three teenagers had gone missing. It was almost as if she was the only one seeing and experiencing what was going on. Her mother kept trying to talk her into getting help but Charlotte knew she wasn’t imagining these things, she just needed to find a way of proving them.

Thank you in advance guys

[pixie373]

I prefer the second one, but it's just personal preference, i think. I stopped reading halfway through first, read second and went back to the first.

[Baldric]

Seems you have been busy
http://www.booksie.com/tomke001

[factor-fiction]

Whichever you use, you need to check your spellings (e.g. whose not who's, father not father), grammar and tenses (e.g. sitting not sat and as they HAD never met) and punctuation (e.g. many missing commas).
The style of both is quite good though- I'm interested enough to read on. The second version is more dramatic but the first is quite readable too.

[factor-fiction]

Oops- I meant father not FARTHER

[black_cat51]

too many "mum, mother, mummy" in the 1st one, but i prefer the 1st one

[jno]

the second. Are you sure you aren't cramming far too much information into these openings? Even if it's just a short story, give your intro a bit more space, let the background unfold gradually.

[Calibax]

I generally prefer third person narrative. I think first person is harder to pull off, so it's the second one for me but both make you want to read more.

[inksplotter]

If you don't want people to be rude you may be in the wrong business. They're both excellent. Psychologically I could see that someone that was about to be released may try to hang themselves, so I'll say version 2.

[Canary42]

I prefer the second version. But I do like the "folded her arms and rolled her eyes" in the first version, a most amusing injection into a macabre passage - nice one.

[marybelle]

I like the second version as well, but make sure that you get all spellings, punctuation etc correct. Even if it means reading it a dozen times over. Don't rely on spell check. Good luck with the story.

[Quizmonkey]

"Please don't be rude"? You're on a public forum and you're trying to influence response? Constructively, you need to read a lot more and take in what good writing is. There is no flow, no structure to your pieces: they are just strings of sentences, and not particularly engaging or originally crafted sentences at that. You need to develop a better understanding of syntax and grammar, and use that knowledge subtly and creatively. I can't imagine a publisher touching this level of English, brilliant plot or not.

[Ken4155]

I'm in total agreement with quizmonkey, i'm afraid. I stopped version 2 at the second paragraph; "Even two weeks after being told, Charlotte was still sat alone in her room.............." That's a long time to be sat alone in her room. I would suggest you enrol on a creative writing course of one kind or another. It can only help.

[tomke001]

Hi guy thank you or your responses. By don't be rude I didn't mean telling me what needs work I meant saying things like "It's a load of crap you might as well give up". I want you guys to be honest but there is being honest and then just being rude. thank you :)

[Quizmonkey]

Incidentally, you can't be 'sat' anywhere - 'to sit' is an intransitive verb :)