Unfullfilment !

[MangoPete]

A friend of mine keeps asking me what the point is of her life, Hers feels unfulfilled.
Her mum always used to deride her and she only started gaining any confidence in herself when she moved to America to do her degree.
She has had very high powered jobs and works far too hard but achieves too much in a way. After she has finished one job she feel empty and lost again.
She also has bulimia. She is 37 and though wants a child has not found the right man. I feel being depressed and bulimic is not a good foundation to start a family... but would it be the making of her...or would it be foolish bringing another being into a world of unhappiness.
It upsets me she seems to be becoming insular and has been depressed for as while now .
As a bloke I find it difficult to understand the female psyche sometimes and wondered if I could call on the wisdom of some of you women ?
Thanks

[TopCat1]

It seems to me, the cause of her unhappiness and unfullfillment is she is looking for love. Its the circle of life. She wants to be loved, and then will create a child through love and will shower that child with love and in return be loved again.

[boobesque]

i had similar problems in my life, and i had a child to love and be loved by, i shouldnt have had him when i did, as i suffered such severe depression that i got to a point where i couldnt do anything, i fed and cared for my son and loved him with my heart, but i couldnt be affectionate, i lost my house and my mum took us in and looked after my son for nearly 2 years.

Ia m settled now, and have found that once i learnt to not look back at my childhood that it was like a release, i focus on the things in my life now, and have my boy with me again and still have bouts of depression but i can get myself out of it now.

[mimififi]

I think your friend would really benefit from some counciling (sp). It would be good if you could encourage her to go and talk about these feelings, she needs to 'put-o-bed' the root causes of her depressions. Also, she needs to address her Bulimia, as she won't be doing her reproductive system any favours, if not all her systems.
She obviously seems to be defining herself through her work, when really she feels she wants to define herself through being a mother. However, her depressive illness could be making it such that if the situation was reversed, she would be wanting a career rather than motherhood. What happens when she gets bored of motherhood, she will be in the same situation again, because it is a sympton not a cause.

Until she finds peace with herself, and until she has respect for herself, she is in danger of attracting men who have little respect for her too. She is very sadly stuck in a vicious circle, and I do know how this feels.

She needs to be very brave, and find a councillor who can help her through this terrible time. She needs to deal with the root causes, and then feel able to move on.

I wish you luck, my friend, I wish I had had friends like you when I needed them. I did find them in the end, but it took a while. I wish her luck too, and hope that she finds healing to her sadnesses.

[WendyS]

It does rather sound as if your friend is chasing stars - always reaching for the unattainable and neglecting to look after the things that are within her own control, like taking steps to understand herself, improve her own self esteem, and care more about the less material elements in her life that can induce inner contentment. I can understand that if she was denigrated by her mother she wants to prove herself by taking high powered jobs, but these usually involve the need to take a very competitive attitude which doesn't necessarily nuture and cultivate the more gentle aspects of the inner self. I am wary of looking to outside solutions like having a baby to solve inner discontents. She will probably merely transfer all her emotional problems & hang ups to her child. Could you persuade her to find a good counsellor who would help her deal with all these issues and make her start to feel "whole" again?

[Gnisy]

hi mangopete, I think your friend needs to find a goal in her life, and not just any goal, it has to be something she is passionate about. Then, ask her to go full force for it.

Apparently a great career isn't the thing that will make her happy so she has to search for an outlet that will. Ask her if she likes community work. If the feeling of helping a person who is need achieve their goals, would that make her feel better?

As for starting a family, I don't think she is taking good care of herself if she is bulimic. And if the person is not taking good care of herself, they are not good enough to take care of another person, let alone start a family of their own. She shouldn't be starting a family just to have something to do in the first place ( i am getting this impression from your question, if it is not the case, pls forgive me ).

If however she finds the strength inside to pull herself together and really wants to start a family but have not found the right man, ask her if she would consider adoption.

Best of luck. And i think it's great of you for being there for her. People who are depressed may not say much but having someone around to talk to helps A LOT.

[woofgang]

I use a website called http://www.flylady.net

its about managing your life and in general and the house in and family in particular. The lady who set up the website has experienced the deriding family and abusive marriage and she says before you start looking for love from others or looking for others to shower with love, you have to love and take care of yourself. I know that this is not new or amazing but it seems to me that that is what your friend needs to do and maybe what her mum stole from her.

Seriously if she enters into a relationship and family without feeling that she is of worth and valuable for who she is (not the job achievements) then IMHO she is setting herself up for failure because if you don't actually love yourself then no one else can love you enough to make up for it.

Now I am beginning to sound like daytime tv. If she is depressed then she needs to get help for this and have a plan for how to try to change her perception of herself. There are a lot of ways she can try in order to do this, self help books, counselling groups, websites - whatever works for her. The first step is to identify the problem and know that it can be sorted and that she wants to sort it.

She is lucky that she has a caring friend in you.

[joko]

sounds like her job is making her feel like a business woman and not true herself - i would suggest she do something to nurture her soul - such as charity work in her spare time or adopt animals and children (not literally but sponsorships) - volunteer at shelters and homes and if she is well off, set up some direct debits, if she is daring she could do a sponsored run or bungee jump etc. I don't know what her job or skills are but i'm sure there is something she could do.

selfless, charitable acts make you feel good and letters from children and photos of the kids and animals she is directly helping may help her feel more like her inner self. (perhaps you could get her a rhino or something to start the ball rolling, and show her how nice a feeling it is?)

if she is very well off (she sounds like she may be) she could even find some local documentary film makers and fund a doc on some issue that is close to her heart.

she needs to express her caring side and she is focussing on a baby as a 'fix' for what's missing, but as you say its not a good time for her - this may be a good start to get her heart healing - the rest will come in time.

good luck

[MangoPete]

thank you all for your advice,
i will be sharing your pearls this weekend