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Being with someone with depression.... any advice welcomed
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Hi folks This is my first time on here, a friend recommended it.... basically, I could do with a bit of advice.... My boyfriend is suffering from depression at the moment. I really want to be there for him, and I am, but it's also really hard sometimes.... I listen, I show him I'm there for him, never rush him or make snap remarks, he's being a bit snappy and finding it difficult to "chat", I know he feels guilty, and I do understand he doesn't want to choose to feel this way, no one would, but it can also be really hard for me too. And I want to be strong for him too. There's help for people suffering from depression, but doesn't seem to be anything for those living with, or in a relationship with someone suffering from it. Anyone got any wise words? What should I do or say to help him? Any advice on how I should keep myself strong too?? I could do with a bit of help and wise words... thanks in advance. I'm feeling a bit lost.... Orchid. X
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Oh, I wish I knew how to advise you Orchid2007 but it is really hard. Both myself and my best friend are each supporting someone in our families suffering from depression. We are fortunate in that we can discuss things with each other but neither of us have actually found a way of copy. It really is a day to day thing. All you can do is BE THERE for them and make sure that they are getting all the medical help they can. You have to put up with their moods and be understanding etc.etc. It is very hard but with time things do improved (although we they improve for a while, things may then get worse for a while). Try and find someone you can confide in so that you don't end up really low yourself and keep your chin up.
Can i ask? Is he on any anti-depresants?
I found myself depressed, i was really shocked that i was. i found myself walking up in the morning crying. i thought i was a really strong person. any how, after i admitted it to myself I went to the doctors. He prescribed - prozac, I was shocked. it took a long time for them to kick in. but 3 or 4 months down the line I started to feel ok 6 months and regular exercise to I feel great. I'm not taking them now.
This doesn't answer your q. re- help for supporting roles. I guess my answer is. don;t give up, understand it's not you. think of it as a job for a while. how would you manage someone at work so to speak. - i think with patience and when the time is right keep asking how they feel. for the moment it's about them not you.
I would say it took me 6 months before I went to the doc and another to feel better. I then need to find myself again, not there yet, another 6 months and I recon i'll be there.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I do think that if you love someone enough and they have the same value system as you, it's worth it.
Stay calm and be patient, do thing that make you happy too.
Good luck, keep in touch. Hope i've helped.
I found myself depressed, i was really shocked that i was. i found myself walking up in the morning crying. i thought i was a really strong person. any how, after i admitted it to myself I went to the doctors. He prescribed - prozac, I was shocked. it took a long time for them to kick in. but 3 or 4 months down the line I started to feel ok 6 months and regular exercise to I feel great. I'm not taking them now.
This doesn't answer your q. re- help for supporting roles. I guess my answer is. don;t give up, understand it's not you. think of it as a job for a while. how would you manage someone at work so to speak. - i think with patience and when the time is right keep asking how they feel. for the moment it's about them not you.
I would say it took me 6 months before I went to the doc and another to feel better. I then need to find myself again, not there yet, another 6 months and I recon i'll be there.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I do think that if you love someone enough and they have the same value system as you, it's worth it.
Stay calm and be patient, do thing that make you happy too.
Good luck, keep in touch. Hope i've helped.
Thank you Pirate1. It's so nice hearing you say that.
It also seems to be the silly, trivial things that get to me. I was just talking to him on the phone... well when I say talking... it felt like me asking questions, or telling him things... and long silences. He even said he had to go 'cos he was finding it difficult to talk. I came off the phone and cried.
He used to suffer with it years ago, before I met him, and he's told me all about it. And he's only recently (the last few weeks) started to feel similar. He's said it's not as bad, and at least he recognises it this time. He's waiting for a referral to the psychologist he saw last time.
It's weird, but it almost feels easier talking about it on here to strangers, I'd feel odd discussing it with friends in a way... I'd feel like I was "betraying" his privacy and feelings and I don't want to sound like I'm just having a moan about my boyfriend....
It also seems to be the silly, trivial things that get to me. I was just talking to him on the phone... well when I say talking... it felt like me asking questions, or telling him things... and long silences. He even said he had to go 'cos he was finding it difficult to talk. I came off the phone and cried.
He used to suffer with it years ago, before I met him, and he's told me all about it. And he's only recently (the last few weeks) started to feel similar. He's said it's not as bad, and at least he recognises it this time. He's waiting for a referral to the psychologist he saw last time.
It's weird, but it almost feels easier talking about it on here to strangers, I'd feel odd discussing it with friends in a way... I'd feel like I was "betraying" his privacy and feelings and I don't want to sound like I'm just having a moan about my boyfriend....
It's not moaning! It's better out than in! Just as for your boyfriend - talking with someone will help, this is true for you too. It's also good that he recognises what is happening and is willing to get help. Unfortunately, my daughter refused to get help and so it really has been trial and error and doing the best I can. Hopefully your boyfriend will get help quickly and the sooner this happens the sooner he will start to feel better. Accepting there is a problem is the first big hurdle over.
My friend actually went to one of her husbands sessions with him (just one though) and this really helped them both. Maybe this is something to consider if your boyfriend would be willing. I don't mean to his first couple of appointments, but maybe after that? They will perhaps give you some coping strategies too. Hope this helps. I'm not on here that often but please let us know how things go or just come on to get things off your chest!! xxx
My friend actually went to one of her husbands sessions with him (just one though) and this really helped them both. Maybe this is something to consider if your boyfriend would be willing. I don't mean to his first couple of appointments, but maybe after that? They will perhaps give you some coping strategies too. Hope this helps. I'm not on here that often but please let us know how things go or just come on to get things off your chest!! xxx
Thank you sosad. I appreciate you sharing your experience with me.
He's not on antidepressants, waiting to see the psychologist.
I do love him. He's my soul mate. It's hard seeing someone you care so much about, feel so sad.
he's even said he knows he "shouldn't" feel sad, he's got lots of things good going on. And feels guilty about being so distant to me. I've reassured him I'm still here, and told him he can talk to me anytime.
And thank you for saying I need to do things to make me happy too. I guess it's sometimes easy to forget that looking after myself, will help him too..... thanks again.X
He's not on antidepressants, waiting to see the psychologist.
I do love him. He's my soul mate. It's hard seeing someone you care so much about, feel so sad.
he's even said he knows he "shouldn't" feel sad, he's got lots of things good going on. And feels guilty about being so distant to me. I've reassured him I'm still here, and told him he can talk to me anytime.
And thank you for saying I need to do things to make me happy too. I guess it's sometimes easy to forget that looking after myself, will help him too..... thanks again.X
Hi Orchid,
sorry to hear that you're having to go through this. I was diagnosed with depression a while ago and remember how hard it was for my friends and family to deal with me, to put it simply I was a moody b*tch !
Now I'm better, but my sister has post-natal depression so know I know what its like to have to deal with it.
Again the only thing I can say is stick in there, your boyfriend will get through it with the right help. My sister has been on 6 different types of anti-depressants and her current ones dont seem to be working either so it can take a long time for things to get better.
You really just have to realise that how he feels isn't in any way your fault, and I hate to say it but the only thing you can really do is be there for him.
And as for yourself, find a friend you can have a good moan to , and who'll listen. Just keep remembering that he will get better in time.
Wish you and your boyfriend all the best xxx
sorry to hear that you're having to go through this. I was diagnosed with depression a while ago and remember how hard it was for my friends and family to deal with me, to put it simply I was a moody b*tch !
Now I'm better, but my sister has post-natal depression so know I know what its like to have to deal with it.
Again the only thing I can say is stick in there, your boyfriend will get through it with the right help. My sister has been on 6 different types of anti-depressants and her current ones dont seem to be working either so it can take a long time for things to get better.
You really just have to realise that how he feels isn't in any way your fault, and I hate to say it but the only thing you can really do is be there for him.
And as for yourself, find a friend you can have a good moan to , and who'll listen. Just keep remembering that he will get better in time.
Wish you and your boyfriend all the best xxx
I think its ounds like you are doing a very good job already. I jave suffered from depresiion in the [ast and i know family and friends found it very hard.
But they did what you are doing - assuring me that they are there for me regardless and were very patient with me. they didnt get cross when i was grouchy and snappy and they were there for me if and when i wanted to talk.
Just keep doing what you're doing and make sure you have someone that you can talk to so things dont get on top of you!
x
But they did what you are doing - assuring me that they are there for me regardless and were very patient with me. they didnt get cross when i was grouchy and snappy and they were there for me if and when i wanted to talk.
Just keep doing what you're doing and make sure you have someone that you can talk to so things dont get on top of you!
x
I have experienced depression remotely - I was a Samaritan for three years - and directly, I had a total breakdown eighteen years ago - three months in a psichiatric ward, and a year off work, and anti-depressants until I die, so i know a bit about this.
Any mental illness is still vastly misunderstood, even in our 'enlightened' society. because of the stigma, there is very little education and support for sufferers, or those suffering with them - like yourself.
Point one - as a depressive, your boyfrield probably has a serious dislike of himself in this state. It's part of the condition - but because he feels so unloveable, he may go to some lengths to make sure that the people around him feel his is unloveable as well. This manifests itself in hostility, withdrawal, unreasonable behaviour, apparent self-pity, and so on. This is all part of the condition - ride it out, and tell yourself every day that he doesn't mean to be this way, and he will get his personality back, and be the man he was before this black cloud covered him - and you.
It is frightening to feel this way - and in lucid moments, he may ask what is happening to him,and no doubt you ask it too!
the answer is, he is mentally ill, and all you are able to do is to support him as best you can. Enjoy the good hours, and ride out the bad ones - this will pass, promise.
As you realise, he will not respond well to presure to 'talk about it'. i know men are famous for that anyway, but now he feels so isolated, he is unable to reach you, or be reached by you. Verbal communication is pitifully inadequate, so work on non-verbal - when he is able, hold him, say nothing, just be a body to be next to, he will appreciate it, even if he says nothing.
Try and get some support for yourself - The Samaritans are an excellent listening service - an d myself and ohters on here are always around.
Any mental illness is still vastly misunderstood, even in our 'enlightened' society. because of the stigma, there is very little education and support for sufferers, or those suffering with them - like yourself.
Point one - as a depressive, your boyfrield probably has a serious dislike of himself in this state. It's part of the condition - but because he feels so unloveable, he may go to some lengths to make sure that the people around him feel his is unloveable as well. This manifests itself in hostility, withdrawal, unreasonable behaviour, apparent self-pity, and so on. This is all part of the condition - ride it out, and tell yourself every day that he doesn't mean to be this way, and he will get his personality back, and be the man he was before this black cloud covered him - and you.
It is frightening to feel this way - and in lucid moments, he may ask what is happening to him,and no doubt you ask it too!
the answer is, he is mentally ill, and all you are able to do is to support him as best you can. Enjoy the good hours, and ride out the bad ones - this will pass, promise.
As you realise, he will not respond well to presure to 'talk about it'. i know men are famous for that anyway, but now he feels so isolated, he is unable to reach you, or be reached by you. Verbal communication is pitifully inadequate, so work on non-verbal - when he is able, hold him, say nothing, just be a body to be next to, he will appreciate it, even if he says nothing.
Try and get some support for yourself - The Samaritans are an excellent listening service - an d myself and ohters on here are always around.
Thank you all. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, advice, and personal experience with me. I do know it will get better, just some days it's harder than others. And just knowing that my "being there" helps, helps me feel like I'm doing something, even when words seem painfully inadequate or just unnecessary.
You're all stars. XXXX
You're all stars. XXXX
Hi Orchid, keep up the good work it's not easy. Although the NICE guidelines are that a psychologist & Cognitive behaviour therapy is the first line of treatment for Depression, some people are in such a dark place that they need anti depressants to give them a kick start either alongside or before pyschological therapies. If he is waiting to see a psychologist as well, then this is going to make things worse, and he will feel like it's never going to end. I say get him back to the GP and ask what is happening with regards treatment. And your local MIND will have a carers support group look in yellow pages. I wish you both well.
I think the best you can do as everyone else has said, is be there for him. Keep talking to him and give him support. Try and make him laugh, tell a few jokes ... anything that will distract him if even for a few minutes. Clearly, you cannot make his problem better as its an illness and he needs to see a doctor for treatment. But you can be there for him all the same, to make sure he's ok in the meantime.
Hope it all works out xxxxx
Hope it all works out xxxxx
hi orchid, i have had a close family member with depression. it took ages to diagnose but thankfully a course of anti ds has helped wonderfully. it is soul destroying to see someone you love go thru this and not be able to make them feel better, so keep on in there and if he gets medication, i'm sure u will get your old BF back in a few months. i tried all sorts of things, and most are met with no enthusiasm, you'll just have to bear with him.
i found that a hobby made the world of difference too - my family member is buzzing around these days - even tho she has off days - and i swear it's a combo of medication and having an interest in something. exercise is supposed to work wonders too - i think it gets the happy chemicals flowing in the brain.
there is still a taboo over mental illness - especially i think with men. at least he has agreed to see somebody about it which is the first step to him getting better. i wish you both all the best and i bet you feel mounds better in a few months.
i found that a hobby made the world of difference too - my family member is buzzing around these days - even tho she has off days - and i swear it's a combo of medication and having an interest in something. exercise is supposed to work wonders too - i think it gets the happy chemicals flowing in the brain.
there is still a taboo over mental illness - especially i think with men. at least he has agreed to see somebody about it which is the first step to him getting better. i wish you both all the best and i bet you feel mounds better in a few months.
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