The Tesco Carrier Bag Incident (happened to a friend of mine).

[Bbbananas]

This is a most distasteful story, far worse than the suspected-Herpes incident, but I am being FORCED, I repeat forced, to spill.... (With apologies to Lil.)

She had a very nasty gastroenteritis-type bug. A very sudden one. She was visiting her mother, lifted her backside to alleviate some wind (as she does - very classy bird is Lil), when whoops - follow-through does not even begin to cover what happened all over her mother's velour sofa. Poor mum had to hose her down in the bath & lend her some clean clothes. Lil was sent home before any more upholstery damage could occur. She was duly sent home with soiled clothes in one tesco carrier bag, and another one to sit on in case of further solidified wind.
She arrived home, to find her builder waiting for her at her front door.... wanting to discuss some wall problems (remember the story about "come up to my bedroom & have a look at my crack...?)

She eventually got rid of the builder, by waving to him from the car and saying "Can't stop Pete... I'm just...errr... having to nip right back because I left something at my mother's". She had to hide round the corner in the car until he had drove off.

What made me laugh more than anything though was her mum's comment as she was cleaning up after her daughter: "I've been cleaning up your sh1t since you were a baby - I didn't still expect to be doing it at this age......"

Priceless.

[mccfluff]

velour sofa, that's just not right

[rinkins]

Oh my.....that is quite horrific.....

[Barmaid]

What colour was the sofa (before the incident, that is).

[Sqad]

You should have told that story at Lil's wedding.

I think, if you don't mind, I will give Lil a miss in case she doesn't give me a miss.

[Bbbananas]

Pink Velour.
(She has very similar tastes to her daughter - very 'Liz McDonald' of Corrie - all fringed lampshades, procelain ladies in display cabinets and clashing patterns.
I am not mocking - Lil and her mum (my godmother actually) are lovely lovely people. And as down to earth as you can be - obviously!!!!!

[Barmaid]

Sqad, seeing as you are here (Sorry Salla). I started back on the gym yesterday and I HURT! When will it stop hurting? And when will I start seeing an improvement in my muscle tone? And can you come and rub my shoulders please?

[Naomicorlett]

Oh Bless. Friend of mine was on flight back to Island when she "flooded " with a period ( unexpectedly ) She had to stay in seat until everyone else had left plane and then ask for blanket to wrap around herself to get off plane. She said it looked as if someone had been murdered in her seat !! Poor lady ,she had hysterectomy very soon after.

[ChuckFickens]

Can salla be automatically banned at all meal times please :)

[Sqad]

Barmaid....aah!.....yes I think that I can fit you in.............oh! by the way, keep your underwear on as I can assess the situation in toto.........the holistic approach you understand.

Perhaps in the Lear Jet on the way to France might be an appropriate place, with salla watching. Then salla can massage you with me wa.......................sorry....watching.

[Bbbananas]

Sqad - I can in all honesty and believe say that you would LOVE Lil. Despite my tales of her, she is blonde, glamorous, fantastic figure, very well-reserved for her age and is fantastic and funny company. You would adore her. She is also very very flirty.... If you were only a FB friend you could log on and see plentiful pics of her in all her glory. Moi aussi. You are missing out big stylee my good man!

[rinkins]

LOL chuck

sqad you are too horny today, read the story again

[Bbbananas]

Sorry chuck - I did try to time these tales after breakfast, before brunch and lunch and definitely before dinner. But most people I know have a very strong constitution and are used to such stories. Apologies if I've made you feel bilious..... xx

[Barmaid]

Sqad, you are incorrigible! Don't make me laugh, it hurts too much!!!

Chuck, good idea, but I actually quite enjoy Salla's stories. Very um, err, earthy!

Salla - Rinky was right. Horrific. Pink velour!!! The only worse thing I can think of is my parent's brown velour one. I got rid of it though by borrowing it when I moved house and couldn't afford a sofa. Then skipped it six months later.

[mccfluff]

its not meal time is it Chuck, nooooooo have i missed food

[Barmaid]

Yeah yeah I know - apostrophe in the wrong place before the apostrophe police rock up.

[Bbbananas]

Lil has upgraded to chestnut-coloured leather since she got married....
Easier to wipe things off....!

[mccfluff]

i do have a similar sofa story well not similar as in involves manpaste but as its apparently food time i'd better shut up

[Barmaid]

We've got white leather. ONLY a man would buy a white leather sofa when he has two children and three cats. And it is jolly uncomfortable. I WANT MY SQUASHY SOFA BACK.

[oldhamfan]

HAHA Pink velour, now it looks like melted neapolitan ice cream