The Village - The Finale

mrs_overall | 06:22 Thu 25th Dec 2014 | ChatterBank

17 Answers

Taking a deep breath, PC Hughes opened the door to the village hall. Blinded by the reflected light on the disco ball he stood still. A voice cried "This one must be the stripper" and he was immediately manhandled to the ground. Numerous hands roamed over him and he tried to scream but a pair of lips attached themselves firmly to his and above the deafening sounds of Agadoo he heard a voice say "He's a bit old and chunky for a stripper." After an eternity the main lights suddenly came on and all the hands and lips left him. From her position slumped at the bar, Ms Craft the village postmistress cum clairvoyant drew herself up to her full height of 3'11 and slurred "This is a private party."
Murraymints, with one hand on the light switch and the other clutching a baseball bat, drew herself up to her full height of 6'3" and boomed "Turn that bloody music off." The room was suddenly bathed in silence. The villagers, who were standing behind Murraymints for safety, took in the scenario of numerous drunken women in the village hall. LadyJ stepped forward and in the pseudo refined voice the villagers knew and hated, said "Way wasn't aye invited?"
"Because you are too tall" said Miss Gness, a stout taster (she tasted stouts and other beers for a living....rather too enthusiastically some said), taking a long swig from a can of Guinness, as she drew herself up to her full height of 4'1" (including heels). "It is a party for the ladies of the village who are under 5ft. "
"Yes" said Psybbo as she tried to untangle her hair which had mysteriously become entangled with the buckle on PC Hughes trouser belt, "we are tired of being looked down on in the pub."
"Ladies, it is ME who is your stripper for the evening" said Tonyav hopefully as he reached for a piece of cake on the buffet table. This was followed by an "Owwwwwwww" as Boo impaled his hand to the table with a fork.
"We'll pay you to keep your clothes ON" slurred the voice of Pixie from under the table where she was in receipt of the full aroma of Tonyav's feet.
"You lot are all nicked" said the voice of PC Hughes as he climbed unsteadily to his feet, with Psybbo still attached to his buckle.
There was a sudden stampede of tiny feet and in seconds the partygoers had vanished out of the fire door. PC Hughes looked down to find a wig dangling from his belt. "Did any of you lot see who they were?" he asked the villagers.
His question was met with a wall of silence.
"Right, I am going for reinforcements" and turned to leave. He got as far as the door when he felt a dull pain in his head and slid unconscious to the floor as he was hit over the head by a copy of The Watchtower wrapped around a brick. The bloodied figure who had thrown it nodded in satisfaction and left.
"He'll be out for a while...at least four hours" said Dr Sqad as he injected PC Hughes in the leg.
"Party time!" yelled Sandy Roe and as one, the villagers moved towards the bar. Well, all except Tonyav.
Christmas Day dawned in the village of Answerbank-Under-the Wold (twinned with Feckitt, Ireland). The lone figure of AOG stalking the streets looking for Muslims (there is no Daily Mail on Christmas Day) noted The Reverend Venuste Enema standing outside the empty church looking puzzled at total absence of villagers. After satisfying himself there were no Muslims lurking, AOG turned towards home and paused briefly, straining his ears. "I thought I heard Agadoo for a minute there" he chuckled to himself and continued on his way.

THE END