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Child Has No Friends And Hates School.
15 Answers
Bit of a long question but please bear with me.
We are having problems with are youngest, It all started in year 2, before that he really enjoyed school ( used to run all the way to school in an effort to get there quicker) but during and after year 2 it has slowly got worse and worse, he is currently in year 6 and every day is a struggle..
He has absolutly no friends within school and feels a social outcast. has nobody to play with at playtimes and wanders aimlessly around the playground.
Cries every night that he hates school and that he hates his life and wishes he had never been born ( this absolutly tears my heart apart ).
I myself have witnessed his loniless in school when we have been in to see him during various things and he looks so sad like a lost lamb.
He says he tries to makes friends and tries to be funny and clever so people like him but feels he comes accross as stupid and uncool.
He often say he feels invisible and that he doesnt have a voice ( This is coming from a 10 yr old )
We have spent hours trying to sort this out with the school, we have had numerous visits with the school, From seeing form tutors, pastoral cares to head teaches and 3/4 years on nothing has changed, in fact its got worse, and now his grades are begining to wane, he was never in the top groups but always one under (above average or achieving higher than he should be) now he under average and struggling to achieve targets. 9 which to be honest at this age im not bothered about im more worried about his happiness and the angst he feels)
We went to see our gp about him because on more than one occaision he has expressed the wish to die ( no parent should have to hear there 10yr child say this) and its not said in anger. We were refered to something called cams which to be honest has been a complete waste of time. They were suppose to be going onto school to monitor him and report back but we have had no feed back whatoever even though I have phoned countless times and left emails.
Than last friday they could dress up ( for a donation to children in need) and I could see even before he was deading this day. he was afraid that the other children would niggle him and comment on his clothes ( he is VERy VERY self concious), anyway we was allowed to go into the assembly at the end of the day and watch them as they had there weekly assembly, the head teacher asked the children to turn to there nieghbour and talk about "the topic" of the assembly and nobody turned to my son, he just sat there, and i could see the pain on his face and see him fight back the tears.
After school i tried again to discuss with him how he was feeling ( i really want to reach out to him and let him know i feel his pain and try to undertstand how he feels) and it all came to a head.
We as a family cant cope anymore and i really really dont know what to do anymore.
I dont want to send him to school anymore yet i dont think homeschooling is the answer, he starts secondry school next september and i want him to be as prepared as possible.
I could go on and on
any advice greatly appreciated
We are having problems with are youngest, It all started in year 2, before that he really enjoyed school ( used to run all the way to school in an effort to get there quicker) but during and after year 2 it has slowly got worse and worse, he is currently in year 6 and every day is a struggle..
He has absolutly no friends within school and feels a social outcast. has nobody to play with at playtimes and wanders aimlessly around the playground.
Cries every night that he hates school and that he hates his life and wishes he had never been born ( this absolutly tears my heart apart ).
I myself have witnessed his loniless in school when we have been in to see him during various things and he looks so sad like a lost lamb.
He says he tries to makes friends and tries to be funny and clever so people like him but feels he comes accross as stupid and uncool.
He often say he feels invisible and that he doesnt have a voice ( This is coming from a 10 yr old )
We have spent hours trying to sort this out with the school, we have had numerous visits with the school, From seeing form tutors, pastoral cares to head teaches and 3/4 years on nothing has changed, in fact its got worse, and now his grades are begining to wane, he was never in the top groups but always one under (above average or achieving higher than he should be) now he under average and struggling to achieve targets. 9 which to be honest at this age im not bothered about im more worried about his happiness and the angst he feels)
We went to see our gp about him because on more than one occaision he has expressed the wish to die ( no parent should have to hear there 10yr child say this) and its not said in anger. We were refered to something called cams which to be honest has been a complete waste of time. They were suppose to be going onto school to monitor him and report back but we have had no feed back whatoever even though I have phoned countless times and left emails.
Than last friday they could dress up ( for a donation to children in need) and I could see even before he was deading this day. he was afraid that the other children would niggle him and comment on his clothes ( he is VERy VERY self concious), anyway we was allowed to go into the assembly at the end of the day and watch them as they had there weekly assembly, the head teacher asked the children to turn to there nieghbour and talk about "the topic" of the assembly and nobody turned to my son, he just sat there, and i could see the pain on his face and see him fight back the tears.
After school i tried again to discuss with him how he was feeling ( i really want to reach out to him and let him know i feel his pain and try to undertstand how he feels) and it all came to a head.
We as a family cant cope anymore and i really really dont know what to do anymore.
I dont want to send him to school anymore yet i dont think homeschooling is the answer, he starts secondry school next september and i want him to be as prepared as possible.
I could go on and on
any advice greatly appreciated
Answers
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Feel so sorry for him, and you. Is there any possibility of changing schools? It has been going on so long at this school cant see it changing much whatever you do. Perhaps the secondary school will be the answer, particularly if it is a different set of children. If another junior school is not possible, perhaps you could homeschool him until secondary school?? Does he have friends outside of school? Perhaps you could encourage these or get him to join groups, perhaps scouts or something he has an interest in, sports?
If it is at all an option then moving to a smaller community, where the teacher/pupil ratio is lower, might be the best thing for your son. The likely difficulty will from now on be that he has this image of himself which he needs to see as not inevitable. At a minimum it seems urgent to change schools.
If moving is not possible, do you have relations or friends where he could at least spend long breaks amongst his age group which don't know his past and begin to see an alternative possibility ?
If moving is not possible, do you have relations or friends where he could at least spend long breaks amongst his age group which don't know his past and begin to see an alternative possibility ?
What a distressing time for your family. It's also a sad reflection on the difference between 'having policies in place' in a school, and actually doing something about an issue.
Depression at any age is a disability, and it might be helpful to your case if the disabling aspects of your son's mental distress become recognised.
Here's a few things you could try.
Get an appointment with GP and ask for a referral to another child psychologist. Explain that CAMS input has been ineffective. You've not been given any strategies for addressing son's needs. You must state your son's suicidal outlook in this session.
Might from the sound of it be good to take a break from school and schooling, which again should be discussed with the GP so it can be covered as illness, not unexplained non-attendance. I'm not saying home school him at this point - I'm just suggesting that not having to face what he finds an ordeal might help him heal a little.
A meeting with the headteacher would be in order, to ask if you could go through the notes and other information pertaining to your son. Make this a long meeting - emphasise to the head it may take some time but it ground you need to cover. take copies of everything you can at this meeting.
If it is a school run by the local authority, contact its lead adviser and ask for advice directly, mentioning that so far school and CAMS have not helped son's frame of mind, that he is suicidal, and that any support with alternatives to mainstream schooling and psychological counselling would be helpful. The notes you get from school would be helpful in dealing with the local authority.
During the down-time away from school, see if there are any activities son can become enrolled in that are both absorbing, and take him out of himself in a non-competitive environment.
You definitely need expert advice about when and whether he should phase back into school. It might be helpful to your son for you not to focus on entering mainstream secondary school as an immediate need. The transition from Y6 to Y7 can be stressful for kids at the best of times - but this is not the best of times for your son.
If he can use the internet, he can keep up with the knowledge base expected of an 11-year-old, so don't get anxious about 'missing schooling'.
You may be personally anxious about having to go to work, say, and leaving him unattended. If this is a source of anxiety again raise it with the GP, as it may be possible through a variety of young peoples' services to get help from a carer.
Best of luck with this. It will not be easy, but it isn't easy now, so brave heart, and love that lad.
Depression at any age is a disability, and it might be helpful to your case if the disabling aspects of your son's mental distress become recognised.
Here's a few things you could try.
Get an appointment with GP and ask for a referral to another child psychologist. Explain that CAMS input has been ineffective. You've not been given any strategies for addressing son's needs. You must state your son's suicidal outlook in this session.
Might from the sound of it be good to take a break from school and schooling, which again should be discussed with the GP so it can be covered as illness, not unexplained non-attendance. I'm not saying home school him at this point - I'm just suggesting that not having to face what he finds an ordeal might help him heal a little.
A meeting with the headteacher would be in order, to ask if you could go through the notes and other information pertaining to your son. Make this a long meeting - emphasise to the head it may take some time but it ground you need to cover. take copies of everything you can at this meeting.
If it is a school run by the local authority, contact its lead adviser and ask for advice directly, mentioning that so far school and CAMS have not helped son's frame of mind, that he is suicidal, and that any support with alternatives to mainstream schooling and psychological counselling would be helpful. The notes you get from school would be helpful in dealing with the local authority.
During the down-time away from school, see if there are any activities son can become enrolled in that are both absorbing, and take him out of himself in a non-competitive environment.
You definitely need expert advice about when and whether he should phase back into school. It might be helpful to your son for you not to focus on entering mainstream secondary school as an immediate need. The transition from Y6 to Y7 can be stressful for kids at the best of times - but this is not the best of times for your son.
If he can use the internet, he can keep up with the knowledge base expected of an 11-year-old, so don't get anxious about 'missing schooling'.
You may be personally anxious about having to go to work, say, and leaving him unattended. If this is a source of anxiety again raise it with the GP, as it may be possible through a variety of young peoples' services to get help from a carer.
Best of luck with this. It will not be easy, but it isn't easy now, so brave heart, and love that lad.
Rather than trying to get him to fit in, find hobbies that appeal to him. Maybe, for example, a martial arts course may give him confidence? Or chess club, science club or football at school.
If he lacks confidence, try an out of school drama club. Build up his self esteem, but perhaps look at entering him into a different secondary school if possible where he can afresh.
If he lacks confidence, try an out of school drama club. Build up his self esteem, but perhaps look at entering him into a different secondary school if possible where he can afresh.
@hrag71
For a modest outlay, have him attend a MENSA test.
If they're smarter than average, kids find the classwork too easy, get bored and resort to joking about or being disruptive. Worrying about fitting in and being popular is more like a teenager than a ten year old and a 150+ IQ would tend to advance a ten year old to that level. Intellectually but not emotionally. Hence the turmoil.
For a modest outlay, have him attend a MENSA test.
If they're smarter than average, kids find the classwork too easy, get bored and resort to joking about or being disruptive. Worrying about fitting in and being popular is more like a teenager than a ten year old and a 150+ IQ would tend to advance a ten year old to that level. Intellectually but not emotionally. Hence the turmoil.
I have been thinking about you and your son since you posted yesterday.
If it is at all possible take him out of school and home school him until September when he starts secondary school. Or move him to a different school. As has already been mentioned get him into activities and clubs so that he is socialising, gaining confidence and hopefully making friends.
He needs a breathing space and a break from this awful situation he is facing every day. And so do you and the rest of the family.
If it is at all possible take him out of school and home school him until September when he starts secondary school. Or move him to a different school. As has already been mentioned get him into activities and clubs so that he is socialising, gaining confidence and hopefully making friends.
He needs a breathing space and a break from this awful situation he is facing every day. And so do you and the rest of the family.
I came upon this whilst wondering about asking about my 6-yr-old grandson and his considerable troubles at school. This is so terrible for you. I am an ex-teacher - but a, secondary specialist with adolescents, so this is a bit different. I tend to go along with the suggestion of a change of schools -or even home schooling, this child needs a break, no matter what caused the original problem. I wish you every good result. :)
first,slow up,all these experts have not helped him and it appears it's become a self perpetrating problem ,what probably started out as a bullying episode has escalated and all this input into the problem may have made him actually enjoy the attention of being a victim.As he starts a new school soon I'd concentrate on finding a small one where they really do know who attends and bolster his esteem by telling him how good he usually is with others.Stop fussing(hard I know)and see how it pans out,My daughter was lonely at school too,but when she finally got to secondary it did improve,she found others like herself to relate to(still friends with em now after 20 years)Till then watch him,support him,do not let him see you upset and make sure you have fun at weekends,hope this helps
Do you know any of the other parents of his classmates (some mates I know!) that you could talk to. If they could realize that the current cruel treatment is making him suicidal then maybe one or two of them could reach out to him by inviting him over, or finding some way to include him in a group activity. There must be someone who could break the barrier that is round him and bring some happiness into his life. I feel for you. Lots. He needs to like school again and short of changing school right now, this is all I can think of.
I'm not sure that the OP is still reading this thread, but if he is I would suggest inviting a couple of kids around for tea and organising something fun for them to do. Preferably those who will also be in the child's secondary school.
I'd also like to say that my son was very shy and awkward at this age, and didn't seem to have many friends. He is now very confident and can talk to anyone, so don't despair, hrag. Things do change. I understand how heart-breaking it is for you, though.
I'd also like to say that my son was very shy and awkward at this age, and didn't seem to have many friends. He is now very confident and can talk to anyone, so don't despair, hrag. Things do change. I understand how heart-breaking it is for you, though.
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