Help With My Relationship Please?

[gws1981]

I have been with my girlfriend for over three years now. She has a three year old daughter from a previous two week long relationship to whom I am "daddy" and I love very much. I met my girlfriend when she was three months pregnant. She eventually decided to keep the baby and the father was nowhere in sight (drug and drink abuse problems). She didn't have much money so further on in her pregnancy, I decided to help out with things for the baby etc (which she never said no to) and we dated like any normal couple, dinner, cinema, shopping etc. We stayed together ( she even asked me to be there for the birth). I did the normal things like continually work, putting in extra hours to upgrade to a family size car to accommodate the little lady, baby clothes, toys, furniture etc and a year ago I bought a house we could all live in. She jumped at the chance to move in with me. I said great but if she didn't want to get a job, and be a stay at home mum, then that was fine so long as she did the housework roll (which she hardly did at her own place - i did it mostly inc the cooking). She said yeah no prob and she would do all and stick to it. She had no qualifications, with which to get a decent job, with so I tried persuading her to enroll at the local college, even going as far as ordering her a prospectus and looking through it with her but she dragged her heels and it was forgot about eventually for another year. I spoil her and my step daughter all the time, especially at holidays like Christmas. I do things like breakfast in bed, trips out, toys and presents, flowers and chocolates, look after the little one so she can go out with friends etc. But I never seem to get anything in return from her. I work a full week plus overtime usually and still help with housework on top. I cook every night for all of us or pay for takeaways. Our sex life is virtually non existent. There have been arguments for a while regarding the fact that she never seems to do anything for me in return. She says she can't afford to buy me anything as she has limited money coming in, which i understand completely. I've said surely there's something she can think of that she can do that would be nice/thoughtful for me and be cheap or free.... but her answer is always the same - that she does the housework for me or cannot think of anything. I finally got her to go back to college which she does twice a week for four hours. She agreed that her role in the relationship would be housework and mine the provider - for want of calling both rolls something better lol but ... since the start she has been dragging her heels with the housework and her excuses are always the same - that she forgot or didn't have enough time. She usually gets up about 9 - 10am after my beautiful little girl has woken her up. She stays in her pajamas till about 11am and then never seems to have enough time to do everything she needed to. I do not mind helping with anything at all or making her life easier eg. she would leave the washing till it piled up and complained that she could never find time to get it dry. So I bought a dryer. Now it just sits in bags or wet in the washing machine. In the past there have also been lies. In the first year of our being together she told several lies. The reason she gave was she "didn't want to lose me" - which is fair enough. But I think she should do something to show she is sorry and that she regrets what she lied about. She did take me to the cinema but I told her I didn't think that it was a very heartfelt way of apologizing etc. anyway two years later and still she has done nothing about it and it is still eating away at me. She constantly says she'll do something about it...but doesn't. She constantly says she will do things and then claims she forgot. She then complains at me and accuses me of emotional abuse when I shout because I am angry and feel let down and used yet again.
Opinions on any part please anyone?
Thank you in advance.

[Prudie]

Opinion rather than help - she's treating you like a doormat and you have let her from the word go, you seem to be a 'giver' and I guess you love her very much otherwise you'd walk away. Is she 100% sure sure you'd never walk away? Would she care emotionally if you did?

[joeluke]

She's using you bigtime

You need to grow a pair, bin her and find someone who actually wants to be with you as opposed to someone who see's you as her meal ticket

[silliemillie]

She sounds depressed to me although it sound like you have done everything to keep her happy. Would she speak to a Doctor do you think?

[bednobs]

what does she intend to do when the daughter goes to school?

[anaxcrosswords]

Pains me to say it, but I agree with ‘doormat’ and ‘meal ticket’. The fact that she got pregnant from a 2-week relationship rings lots of alarm bells. She sounds like somebody whose concept of responsibility is somewhat wanting.
The hardest thing about this is your obvious attachment to her daughter and I have no answer to that. Despite the indirect relationship I can understand it would be incredibly difficult for you to walk away but, honestly, I can’t see any other option.
I wish you well – emotionally you’re in a pretty awful situation.

[pixie374]

I think you sound like hard work to be honest. What does she want?

[gws1981]

Hi all, thank you for the replies. I do love them both very much. I have stayed because i hope she will see the light.

She has seen a doctor and was diagnosed with post natal depression. Though she stopped taking the pills opting for getting out more like the doctor advises. She does do that though won't instigate meetings with her friends, rather waits till they ask to see her.

She "intends" to get a job when the little one goes nursery in January. Though i have said i think she's left it too late to instantly get a job in January.

I'd like to say I'm probably not blameless in moaning about why she can never keep up with things like housework. But at the same time i don't see how its such a massive problem when i can get it all done while she is still in bed alongside looking after the little one and entertaining the pets.

What is making me angry though is her inability to think of something on her own that is nice to do for me, someone she professes she loves. I find anything she says difficult to believe because she hasn't made up for the lies she told other than "i'm sorry - i didn't want to lose you!

Thanks again for all the replies, very much appreciated!

[gws1981]

Hi pixie374 - what do you mean hard work? What do you mean what does she want?

[bednobs]

actually, i think you sound like hard work too. You are still holding onto something little that happened years ago. it seems unreasonable to me

[pixie374]

You've just said yourself about the moaning, I can see that. There are always going to be two sides. And sorry, but you've typed all that about how good you are to her and forgotten the most important thing, that she has depression. Let her get better and then see what she actually wants without controlling her. She would probably be better off with a job, with depression. She doesn't need a degree to get one.

[gws1981]

Oh i see.... I agree there are minimum two sides to every story - this is my side. So to clarify - the lies she told began before she gave birth causing me to make choices i wouldn't have made if she had told the truth. The truth came out about a year afterwards when i was already in far too deep with her and also the little one. I have tried to get her help - driving her to doctors too and even helped her look for a job but she refuses agency work and there is no shop work about suitable etc The moaning and the upset is only caused due to the fact that she still lies now and it dredges up the past which has never had any redress. I get no-one is perfect but surely if you care about/love someone enough you will do something to apologise when you are caught and maybe stop with the lying in the future etc?

[Baldric]

She seems to have mistaken you for the Local Benefit/Housing Office imo.

[Jackdaw33]

Some women would give their eye teeth for a man like you.

[pixie374]

Yes, the lying is a problem. I don't know whether that will change. Either way, she isn't happy either. I would give her some space and let her breathe. If you regret being with her, don't. But I thinks you're expecting gratitude for some reason. What does she actually want?

[david small]

She is bone idle, lazy and a user. You are enabling her. Draw a line, make it plain she shape up. Trouble is she has you by the gonads both mentally and emotionally. It's not going to heal, can you manage without her? Give her an ultimatum, but either way won't be easy.

[Canary42]

I think you both need to do some hard thinking, and you probably need professional help (like RELATE - see below) - you're not doing her any favours by spoiling her then rowing with her. There's not much incentive for her to "show she is sorry" when you belittle what attempts she does make (e.g. the cinema trip). My view is that you are both very hard work for each other, and this is why you need help, to discover the underlying reason for it all.

http://www.relate.org.uk

[Prudie]

And before I explained and excused all her behaviour to postnatal depression I'd want to know what she was like before she had the baby. Had she ever had a job or did she find it an effort to get up and do something in the day before then?

[jennyjoan]

As somebody has said - you are an enabler - you do far too much. It will be hard for you to walk away since you love the baby so much too. Good luck whatever you do.

[ummmm]

It's sounds like you're in a habit. And she sounds like she's a rebel.

[cassa333]

Has it occurred to you that she just plain hates cleaning?

She sounds very much like me