Who's Speech Does This Page Belong To?
This piece of A4, written on both sides, was found blowing in the wind by a tramp who was begging nearby Westminster. The beggar immediately took his smartphone from his pocket and took a photograph, which he uploaded to the 'Tramps R Us' app, from which copies have appeared on all forms of social media.
It appears to be the first page of a speech written for one of the contenders to fill the vacancy left by Johnson.
"So, what can you expect from me if am elected leader of this glorious party and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom?,
Taxis; I am truly dismayed how many of my fellow candidates have expressed their intention to cut taxis as soon as they have their feet under the table at Number 10. Not I! I know full well that not everyone drives a car, and, of those that don't, not all of them like to travel by bus, especially when laden with the week's shopping. Buses do not deliver you and your shopping to your front door. Unless, of course, there is a bus-stop outside your home. Also, given that many of those who drive taxis for a living are from our Asian communities, some will believe there is a sinister reason for cutting taxis. Not for one moment am i saying my colleagues are racists but i'll let you make your own minds up on their reasoning.
Illegal Immigration; The only way to stop illegal immigrants landing on our shores in rubber dinghies is to make it impossible for such craft to complete the journey across the channel. No, i'm not advocating the Royal Navy blow them out of the water - (note, wait for laughter). What i intend to do is to employ approximately 50,000 men and women to stand up to their chests in the waters around our shores and move their bodies to and fro, creating waves of such power that any rubber dinghies are forced back onto French territory. The French may not like it, but what can they do? (Gallic shrug - more laughter?)
Climate Control; A favourite British pastime is to moan about the lack of sunshine we get each year. Under my Premiership this will be a thing of the past as i intend to get our most eminent scientists to invent a machine that will compel the sun to shine for at least 8 hours per day. Once they have completed this task, they will then be charged with inventing another machine which will force the clouds to open at 10pm each and every night, for 2 to 3 hours. The result will be a boon to our travel industry, our plants will thrive and our well-being will be greatly enhanced.
Law and Order; Apart from expanding our police force by thousands, i also intend to be ultra-tough on knife-crime. This problem must be stopped at source and it is my intention to ban the sale of all knives to anyone who isn't carrying a 'Butcher's ID Card' - which i am in the process of designing - issued to only those who are qualified butchers. It will then be their responsibility to cut all their meat products into bite-size pieces before sale. A failure to do so will see their ID cards revoked and their knives confiscated.
Cost of Living; Now we come to the most important issue facing us all, the cost of living. I fully intend to....."
Unfortunately the rest of the speech is on another page, probably still floating about in the wind. Hopefully, a tramp will see it and upload it then we may discover the identity of the candidate making all these fantastic promises.