News0 min ago
Who's Speech Does This Page Belong To?
8 Answers
This piece of A4, written on both sides, was found blowing in the wind by a tramp who was begging nearby Westminster. The beggar immediately took his smartphone from his pocket and took a photograph, which he uploaded to the 'Tramps R Us' app, from which copies have appeared on all forms of social media.
It appears to be the first page of a speech written for one of the contenders to fill the vacancy left by Johnson.
"So, what can you expect from me if am elected leader of this glorious party and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom?,
Taxis; I am truly dismayed how many of my fellow candidates have expressed their intention to cut taxis as soon as they have their feet under the table at Number 10. Not I! I know full well that not everyone drives a car, and, of those that don't, not all of them like to travel by bus, especially when laden with the week's shopping. Buses do not deliver you and your shopping to your front door. Unless, of course, there is a bus-stop outside your home. Also, given that many of those who drive taxis for a living are from our Asian communities, some will believe there is a sinister reason for cutting taxis. Not for one moment am i saying my colleagues are racists but i'll let you make your own minds up on their reasoning.
Illegal Immigration; The only way to stop illegal immigrants landing on our shores in rubber dinghies is to make it impossible for such craft to complete the journey across the channel. No, i'm not advocating the Royal Navy blow them out of the water - (note, wait for laughter). What i intend to do is to employ approximately 50,000 men and women to stand up to their chests in the waters around our shores and move their bodies to and fro, creating waves of such power that any rubber dinghies are forced back onto French territory. The French may not like it, but what can they do? (Gallic shrug - more laughter?)
Climate Control; A favourite British pastime is to moan about the lack of sunshine we get each year. Under my Premiership this will be a thing of the past as i intend to get our most eminent scientists to invent a machine that will compel the sun to shine for at least 8 hours per day. Once they have completed this task, they will then be charged with inventing another machine which will force the clouds to open at 10pm each and every night, for 2 to 3 hours. The result will be a boon to our travel industry, our plants will thrive and our well-being will be greatly enhanced.
Law and Order; Apart from expanding our police force by thousands, i also intend to be ultra-tough on knife-crime. This problem must be stopped at source and it is my intention to ban the sale of all knives to anyone who isn't carrying a 'Butcher's ID Card' - which i am in the process of designing - issued to only those who are qualified butchers. It will then be their responsibility to cut all their meat products into bite-size pieces before sale. A failure to do so will see their ID cards revoked and their knives confiscated.
Cost of Living; Now we come to the most important issue facing us all, the cost of living. I fully intend to....."
Unfortunately the rest of the speech is on another page, probably still floating about in the wind. Hopefully, a tramp will see it and upload it then we may discover the identity of the candidate making all these fantastic promises.
It appears to be the first page of a speech written for one of the contenders to fill the vacancy left by Johnson.
"So, what can you expect from me if am elected leader of this glorious party and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom?,
Taxis; I am truly dismayed how many of my fellow candidates have expressed their intention to cut taxis as soon as they have their feet under the table at Number 10. Not I! I know full well that not everyone drives a car, and, of those that don't, not all of them like to travel by bus, especially when laden with the week's shopping. Buses do not deliver you and your shopping to your front door. Unless, of course, there is a bus-stop outside your home. Also, given that many of those who drive taxis for a living are from our Asian communities, some will believe there is a sinister reason for cutting taxis. Not for one moment am i saying my colleagues are racists but i'll let you make your own minds up on their reasoning.
Illegal Immigration; The only way to stop illegal immigrants landing on our shores in rubber dinghies is to make it impossible for such craft to complete the journey across the channel. No, i'm not advocating the Royal Navy blow them out of the water - (note, wait for laughter). What i intend to do is to employ approximately 50,000 men and women to stand up to their chests in the waters around our shores and move their bodies to and fro, creating waves of such power that any rubber dinghies are forced back onto French territory. The French may not like it, but what can they do? (Gallic shrug - more laughter?)
Climate Control; A favourite British pastime is to moan about the lack of sunshine we get each year. Under my Premiership this will be a thing of the past as i intend to get our most eminent scientists to invent a machine that will compel the sun to shine for at least 8 hours per day. Once they have completed this task, they will then be charged with inventing another machine which will force the clouds to open at 10pm each and every night, for 2 to 3 hours. The result will be a boon to our travel industry, our plants will thrive and our well-being will be greatly enhanced.
Law and Order; Apart from expanding our police force by thousands, i also intend to be ultra-tough on knife-crime. This problem must be stopped at source and it is my intention to ban the sale of all knives to anyone who isn't carrying a 'Butcher's ID Card' - which i am in the process of designing - issued to only those who are qualified butchers. It will then be their responsibility to cut all their meat products into bite-size pieces before sale. A failure to do so will see their ID cards revoked and their knives confiscated.
Cost of Living; Now we come to the most important issue facing us all, the cost of living. I fully intend to....."
Unfortunately the rest of the speech is on another page, probably still floating about in the wind. Hopefully, a tramp will see it and upload it then we may discover the identity of the candidate making all these fantastic promises.
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A bit more from the speech:
"Moving onto education, I am aware that many employers think that our schools don't sufficiently prepare young people for the world of work. My solution is a simple one: I will bring forward legislation to ensure that all new homes can only be heated by coal.
How, you will ask, does this help to introduce young people to the world of work? The reason is quite simple: More houses heated by coal will mean that there will be more chimneys, thus increasing the opportunities for stuffing small boys up them and thereby introducing them to a valuable trade early on.
With regard to health, I know that many people are concerned about the length of hospital waiting lists. My solution will be to ensure that hospital waiting lists are produced using only 8 point type, thus meaning that more names can be typed on a single sheet of A4. Waiting lists will then be cut from hundreds of pages to just a few, making them much shorter indeed"
"Moving onto education, I am aware that many employers think that our schools don't sufficiently prepare young people for the world of work. My solution is a simple one: I will bring forward legislation to ensure that all new homes can only be heated by coal.
How, you will ask, does this help to introduce young people to the world of work? The reason is quite simple: More houses heated by coal will mean that there will be more chimneys, thus increasing the opportunities for stuffing small boys up them and thereby introducing them to a valuable trade early on.
With regard to health, I know that many people are concerned about the length of hospital waiting lists. My solution will be to ensure that hospital waiting lists are produced using only 8 point type, thus meaning that more names can be typed on a single sheet of A4. Waiting lists will then be cut from hundreds of pages to just a few, making them much shorter indeed"
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