He's Changed His Mind On Marrying Me

[Anne1977]

Hi all, 

So much has changed for me in 24 hours.

When I met my partner, he was asked the question "would you marry again" he responded "if it was important to her". It was, and I've always believed in marriage. He knew that.

I've had an awful 5 years. 

I lost my father unexpectedly, and his wife disappeared with everything of his, including any inheritance.He was a wealthy man, and I have nothing of my father's, not even a shirt I'd asked for. His wife was a nasty woman.

Then, my very best friend in the world, my mum, suddenly died. I lived with her and loved her beyond words. 

I'm having bereavement counselling.

I know my partner was disappointed I didn't inherit anything (my mum had nothing, but what she did have was love, and that's far more important to me than money).

I couldn't afford to live on my own, and my daughter has special educational needs, and didn't want to live in the house without her gran as it was too painful.

So, I moved in with my partner, and we have been in love for 7 years. I thought marriage was always on the cards. He used to say "never say never". He had legal documents drawn up to say I was only entitled to a certain amount of his property - equal to what id contributed in the event of my death. 

He is a wealthy man, but his wealth doesn't bother me. I always pay my way. 

Yesterday he said he didn't want marriage as it was too much hassle to draw up further documents, as he wanted to make sure his daughter got his money if he died first. 

She is wealthy herself and is likely to be close to a millionaire by the age of 30, as she'll inherit over £ 900,000 from her mother, and grandparents.

I feel so lost. 

I have no friends, so I've no-one to ask if I'm being irrational.

I can't afford to buy a house on my own, and neither do I want to unsettle my daughter again.

He always says I'm his forever, and I'm nowhere like his ex wife.

Seeing my parents die, has made me truly see that love is the only important thing. 

I don't want his money. All I want is to be married. I'm not young, I'm 48 , so I see my partner as my forever, but he's now changed his mind on the one thing I'd always hoped would happen...a proposal. A celebration of our love.

I don't want his money. 

Yes, I don't have money myself, but I can't help but think he's worried I'll get my hands on his daughter's inheritance.

To be told that he doesn't want to marry me because it's too much paperwork, makes me feel really rubbish about myself. 

When I say I've got noone to talk to, it's true. When I lost my mum, I lost so much, including my friends as I had to move far away from them.

I feel so lonely, and wish my mum were alive to give me advice.

I really did think marriage was on the cards, somewhere in time, but now I know it's not likely because it's too much paperwork, makes me feel like I'm always doing things on his terms.

I know I don't have much, but I do have a lot of love to give. I will always love him beyond words.

Am I being unreasonable?

Please be kind, I'm not in a good place following my parents deaths, and I feel pretty pants about myself. 

I wonder, if I'd got money, would he want to marry me? 

The closest I can do to break up with him is live in a house with him where we're friends. I have no friends or family I can go and stay with. 

I'm very much alone , but marriage has always been important to me.

Can anyone give me some kind words of advice?

[Old_Geezer]

A marriage certificate is just a piece of paper. Try to feel more confident and loving in and of yourself rather than relying on paper approval.

 

If you feel it really is that important to you then the phrase, "Plenty more fish in the sea", would apply.

 

Maybe you could ask your doc about treatment for depression or similar as you have been through a lot and seem to see a marriage to someone not keen as the answer.  In my opinion it's unlikely to be any fix for how you feel.

 

Aside from that I can only suggest you ensure you have made clear to your intended how important this seems to you before making further decisions.

[1ozzy]

🥱

[newmodarmy]

Maybe I missed it among all those paragraphs but in what way has so much changed in the last 24 hours? Is that when he confirmed he wasn't ready to marry you?

[Prudie]

A marriage certificate is just a piece of paper - until finances  become involved after splits/death, even these days. People can behave very oddly when making sure their children from previous relationships inherit. I've been involved myself. This seems to be the issue, at least at first glance. If married and he dies you could take his money into a new relationship with new children etc. Minefield.  It's hurtful but it's human nature for some.

[naomi24]

I don't agree that a marriage certificate is 'just a piece of paper'.  That piece of paper carries considerable weight.    I know of instances where, in the absence of that piece of paper, long term partners have been left practically destitute.  If, as you say, you don't want his money, you have nothing to lose by remaining unmarried.   It's a matter of deciding whether or not you will be happier with him or away from him.  Only you can make that choice.

[chelle7272]

From your previous posts it appears he has always prioritised his daughters financial future, which is not a bad thing for a parent to do. So this is not really news to you. Perhaps you are trying to find a distraction from your grief over your mother by focussing on this again. Getting married is not the answer to other problems. 

[DDIL]

That piece of paper could make a huge difference if you have children, friends of mine got married just so the father had more right to the children than her mother.

If you don't want his money as far as I see it you have 3 choices, 1/ sign a document waiving all rights to his estate. 2/ continue to live as you are (unmarried). 3/ leave.

[pastafreak]

A possible 4th choice...marry, with a prenuptial agreement. 

[bednobs]

To me, sacking off a 7 year relationship completely because the other person doesn't want to get married seems crazy, and I do think you are overreacting. What do you imagine would be different about your relationship if you were married? I read back thru your other posts and in all honesty you do seem slightly obsessed by money, despite your protestations otherwise. I can see why you are though - money matters more to people who don't have any than those who do.

I am also slightly puzzled by your insistence about having a shirt of your dad's which seems totally bizarre to me (but Obvs not too you) but only you will know why having a shirt would make a difference

Lastly, clearly he changed his mind about having a share of the house. He might yet change his mind on this matter too

[DDIL]

You have memories with your dad no one can take that away 

[bluefortress]

What I have noticed in general life is that people who frequently state that they don't care about money, often mention money a lot. 
 

Its nothing to be ashamed of, we all know in reality money is the key to many things. 
 

This being said reading between the lines it sounds like you are just looking for close conection and by him not wanting to marry you see this as evidence that he doesn't want to be as close as you do. 
 

If so I think you could re evalute this belief- it sound more like he just doesn't value marriage the way you do and he may not see marriage as a symbol of closeness. 
 

I can understand your dissapointment but I would evaluate the relationship as a whole. Is this the only concern you have with him? How does he treat you in general?  He may lose a few points with you by not wanting to marry but does he score enough in other areas which make the relationship worth staying in? 
 

Its valid to be dissapointed (there will be pros and cons in every relationship) but I would focus on the quality of the relationship as a whole. 
 

I am someone who has never married and hasn't even been in any relationships so am no expert but thought Id give my thoughts anyway. 

[Anne1977]

Thank you all for your answers . Some were more difficult to read than others, but I value your viewpoints all the same.

I'm devastated by the sudden death of my mother. I saw her everyday of my life, she was young and died a very awful death. In fact she was diagnosed with the rarest form of cancer in the world, and was dead in 3 weeks. I never saw it coming.

I am having counselling for that. 

My dad, who also passed, was my dad, and I loved him. I wanted a shirt of his to make a cushion, but his wife sold the house within 2 months of his death,  without telling my brothers, nor I , and took everything of his. My brother had asked for a war medal, which was taken too, but I will never be able to do anything about it, and as one poster mentioned, she's likely changed the will in favour of her children. I have to accept that. 

My daughter has not long got out of intensive care for pneumonia and sepsis, where I re-evaluated my life. 

You don't have to believe me, but really money doesn't mean anything. Just love and kindness.

My hurt comes from my partner saying he would marry me, we just needed a house first. 

We now have that, and he's changed his mind, but I now feel trapped. I have nothing to restart again. I'm in this house, and can't do a thing about it. 

What I didn't mention was how he got aggressive when I mentioned marriage. He didn't lay his hands on me as such, but he slammed doors in my face, pulled pictures down from the wall etc and did frighten me.

He apologised to my daughter, but not me. 

To me, marriage is important for religious reasons. It always has been. I have always made that clear too, and would never have entered into the relationship had it not been on the cards somewhere in the future.

Nevermind, I just have to accept his terms.

I have no other choice.

I was thinking of booking a cheap hotel for a couple of nights to create some space.

I lost so much when I lost my mum, including her arms to run into, and her sofa to sleep on. She would have had the answers.

I only reached out as I don't have anyone else to ask, but I'm grateful for all your responses.

With love xx

[Cloverjo]

I didn't read every word of your posts, sorry. But he sounds awful. Just leave him. It will be difficult for a while, but you'll get through it and one day breathe a sigh of relief that you didn't marry the a- hole.

[Smowball]

If he got that angry when you mentioned marriage again, to the point of ripping pictures from the walls and frightening you then I'd be out of there like a shot. 

[Anne1977]

Hi all, 

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question.

Unfortunately, since the death of my mum, I have nowhere to go, other than book a hotel for a few days..... But eventually I'd have to come back 🤦🏻‍♀️ I lost so much, in more ways than one, when I lost my mum. 🥺xx

[albaqwerty]

Do you have your own job? Please tell me you are not totally dependent on him for funds? Save as much as is possible for, say, 3 months. Review your situation then.

Find out where your local women's refuge is.

It's going to take some time to even think about healing after the death of your mum. Be kind to yourself. Don't rush anything. x

[bluefortress]

Anne, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Sometimes we have to proactively do this. Go for a walk (it's ok to get upset during it). Have a bath and make yourself comfortable. Your mum would have wanted this, think about what she would have wanted  

It may seem like a horrible cold world right now but it wont always be like this, you will feel better with time.
 

Try to make some friends and surround yourself with people who make you feel good snd respect you. This way if you leave your husband you'l have better support.
 

Also we care more than you think!