Am I being pathetic?

[Amber1571]

My partner's son has moved in with us, for about 6 months I think. He is 16 wanted to live with his dad for a while, find a job until he decides what to do and go back home in Ireland. I know I am being selfish, but things have changed now, I come home from work and the Simpsons are on tv, he is sprawled across the lounge, or MTV is on. He is hyper, can't get a moment's piece now on my own or with my partner. If I suggest we go out for a meal, then son has to come, or the cinema then son has to come, can't cuddle up on the sofa as son maybe sitting on it. Thing is, he is a pleasant lad, not rude and is helpful. Of course, my attitude is getting between me and my partner, rightly so I guess. IPartner says it is all in my head and I am making issues that are not there and causing problems. I don't have any chidlren, and i am not jealous of the fact he has, I just feel a bit pushed out, or worried that I will be pushed out. My partner suggested to him they go swimming twice a week (both into keeping fit) he never asked me before. My partner used to leave me notes - he doesn't now as son is here and will see it. Its all change. Am I being pathetic?

[ladyshy]

Pathetic is maybe not the right word. But you are creating issues where there aren't any (in my opinon).

I think you answered your own question somewhere in there when you said 'I just feel a bit pushed out, or worried I will be pushed out.' To me that seems the root of your problem.

You also say 'It's all change' perhaps that's another thing that is getting to you.

In the mean time, leave notes around for you partner and he may follow suit. Show affection towards him in front of his son and it may encourge him to do it back.

Just remember it's not forever.

Good luck.

China

[Eve]

I can see you feel left out but the thing with kids is that they always come first.

When you got together wit your partner you got together with a man with a child and have to accept that his son is part of the package.

Your partner is probably making the most of the fact that he has his son at home especially if he has lived away and if he feels he wants to mae up for things since he split with the child's mother. As for the swimming it's nice that they can share a common interest and spend some quality father and son time together. If in say the evening why not organise a girly night so you don't feel so left out.

Have a chat with him and maybe suggest that you maybe dedicate certain special times to each other, it's not like his son's too young to be left at home if you go out. Make a difference between family meals and your time together as a couple.

Maybe try and plan the week ahead so everyone gets the time they need with each other, a nice mix between family time, couple time and father and son time. Organise family things in advance you can all go out and enjoy together.

Say you miss the notes and suggest he could leave them in your private space such as your bedroom where his son won't see them. If you want to stay with you partner it's all about compromise.

Why not try spending some more time with his son and see if you can find some shared or common interest you can share? Even something like films or music you can sit down and share together and something you can talk about.

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[buzybee]

Ditto, it could be far worse so dont dwell on the little things, try create a relationship with him, it could be the best thing you do! good luck x

[Amber1571]

Thank you all for your advice. I know the problem is with me, I have deep insecurity issues and tend to only 'feel safe' when it is the two of us. Now I feel anxious all the time and I don't know why as he is a pleasant lad. I need to try and 'chill' but am struggling, only today my partner said "I need to decide if I want to stay" as he is at the end of his tether.

Thank you x

[##Wardy##]

why don't you get sky TV in his bedroom?

[Amber1571]

Wardy, if I could I would! No spare tv and dad does not agre with tv in bedrooms..... so we have just the one in the lounge

[khana]

I really feel you should be speaking to your partner about things. Explain to him that you know it is irrational and that you are happy that he has the chance to get to know his son better but that you feel that every now and then a little time alone together would strengthen your relationship.

It's a good opportunity for you to join in with family activities, after all, one day he may become your step son.

I don't know how old you are, or if you ever have plans to have children yourself, but this is a great chance for you to learn how things could be for you in the future.

Try embracing the fact his son is around the house instead of feeling that he's changed things for the worse.

You may find that if you give the situation a real chance that it was the best thing that could have happened.

[Jugglering]

I think the others above have given some really good advice. It's good that the lad can feel relaxed enough in your company to "sprawl" etc ! May I suggest that you join in on the swimming activities - it sounds like fun ! Why not suggest that the lad cooks tea for all of you, say one night a week. It wouldn't have to be anything complicated, say something like beans on toast at first, you two could show him more advanced stuff later, that will help him to learn to look after himself. Suggest switching off the tv and playing some games, or devising the menus for next week and the necessary shopping required. I'm sure if you got to know him better you'd feel a lot more comfortable with him around.

[Amber1571]

Thank you all for your replies. Will make an extra effort and try to banish these anxieties and negative thoughts away.
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