Drink Driving

[roosi]

A very close family member is an alcoholic and frequently takes the car (which belongs to his wife-and she needs this car for her wk) out whilst inebriated. This person has mental health issues which they are unaware of firstly, and secondly are unaware of how much distress this causes the family looking on, this person also become a bully when in this drunk state, making the close family members scared to do anything about these actions and although, not so much now in a violent sense - moreso in the past he has been known to take this out physically which has inevitably added to the stress and fear of family roundabout them about doing anything about it. The person's marriage is over, and he lives at the family home, in squalor in another room of the house which no-one goes into anymore, The rest of the house is like you would never know that this person stays there with bottles/power tools/dirty plates/old mail/ surrounding them, curtains always shut etc.

It's breaking out hearts but we don't know what to do - would you (or more to the point should I) or someone else call the police next time they drink and drive a) to stop this (but also bearing in mind they will lost their job and probably everything and everyone else at the same time, they drive a van daily for work, and b)try and make them come to terms with their illness / alcoholism although this will break their heart and ours I reckon.

We are so stuck and haven't got a clue what to do as we are all so scared.

Sensible answers only.

Thanks

R
x

[Bbbananas]

Oh dear Roosi - this is a difficult dilemma. Something or someone needs to shock this person into accepting their alcoholism & actions, but how best to do it?

Before he kills someone or himself either through his driving or escalating violence, he needs help, and fast. Unfortunately people in these situations are often reluctant to admit their problem, or to deal with it.

Whether or not he is reported for his drink driving, he will get caught eventually. On one of his serious sober moments, is there not one person he would listen to and take heed of? Someone who would go along to an AA meeting or suchlike? Or at least to his GP to get the ball rolling?

[Ethel]

I confused about the mental health issues - who doesn't know about it,and how do you know?

However, yes you should report him to the police next time you are aware of him drink driving.

Until he is forced to face the consequences for his behaviour nothing will change.

[roosi]

know, we are all in a quandry, we love him but I hate him too - I hate to see what harm he is doing, he picks on his only son to the extent of severe jealousy and I can't bear to see it go on any longer, it's absolutely gut wrenching, although my other half says he would've shopped him a long time ago. When he is sober, he isn't really - he just tops himself up all the time. His mood is extremely erratic ALL OF THE TIME, and we find it difficult from each five minutes to the nest and how he will be to talk to.

I am crying writing this.

R
x

[roosi]

Mental health:

Cries at the slightest thing, gets moody just as quickly, tells us things that he knows isn't true, still mourning the death of his mother and father over a decade ago, but would still cry at the mention of their names, mocks his son to the point of no return, and he is only 21 so still gets hurt very easily and has to live with it daily.

[Bbbananas]

He needs to be reported for his drink/driving - this will remain anonymous.

I am sure he is well aware of his escalating problem(s) - all you can do other than the above, is to urge, beg, plead, cajole, bully - by whatever means necessary, him into going to see his GP. Soon.

[jen78]

You can report it to Crimestoppers anonymously so the information could have come from anyone, neighbours, passers by etc...or he could just believe he has been randomly stopped.

Chances are the police would watch him and try and catch him in the act so if they could be tipped off when he is out while inebriated then all the better.

http://www.crimestoppers-uk.org/

[justmetoo]

Ahhh Roosie, Im so sorry, what a nightmare....I think you should speak to his doctor, explain the situation, and tell him when he is sober, that you will inform the police the very next time he drinks and drives. It is against the law, and you would be doing him a massive favor, you would be saving his life and an innocent persons as well. Best of luck.....x

[baileybird]

Roosi

You poor poor thing. This is an awful situation for you. You know you are right in reporting him and you cannot feel guilty if that is what you do - you are probably doing him ( and the rest of us) a favour and it may start the ball rolling into getting this guy some help that he clearly needs.

Have you spoken to your GP? Maybe he could give you some advice and some support. Or do you have a local Bobby?? You need some help here and just wish I could come and put my arms round you and give you some support which you obviously need.

Don't let your lad grow up thinking this is a normal way of life or he will struggle in his own relationships.

You owe it to your son and to yourself to have some peace - and you know how bad you would feel if he killed himself in the car, or even worse someone else.

I don't know what else to say. It makes me really sad.

Keep posting - we are all here for you.

H XXXXXXXX

[roosi]

Hi and thanks all for your well needed comments....

I am heartbroken, and really know what to do for the best, ie shop him, but know that his job (the only thing he has left apart from us) will be gone too....my brother is overcompensated by my mum (emotionally and supportiveness) and me and his other elder sister too as we only have each other to fall back onto when times get unbearable, although he has been spoilt and knows so, he too has an extremely violent temper just like his dad. He (dad) used to listen to his parents but as they (and my mum's mum and dad are all gone now) he won't listen to anyone, and my brother is the youngest AND we (the remainder) are of the female variety, we are all too scared to say anything as he can be so overbearing. My maternal family have and also his family too have turned their backs and we don't get visitors anymore. No-one asks for him, and when they do my mum lies about it all as she is ashamed.

Don't know what else to do.

Am seriously at a loss, I know what he does is wrong, so wrong, but I know that he will probably end up on the streets if they sell as the mortgage won't get paid on mum's age alone, and the house is getting to be in such a state of disrepair by what he does, they won't get the money it's worth- it;s a beautuful house, just in need of paint and TLC, I live 50 miles away and can't just take a weekend out to do it - it's a huge house.

[roosi]

any good tips on how to cut and paste what you guys have been saying today and put intoan email, as when i try i cut and paste the whole page, sorr caps, couldn't be bothered switching them off.

am going to try and send this info to mum and tell her what i plan on doing once i figure it out.

thanks
again
r
x

[luxury]

Hi roosi,

I'm so sorry to read of this distressing situation you're in and the answers given are quite lovely, especially the hug :)

To copy and paste on AB you have to hold the cursor at the bottom of each answer, so the little line is showing by the last letter.

Then left click 3 times, it will highlight the answer of the individual poster, not the entire page, so you will have to highlight each one individualy.

So, after 3 left clicks, then press Ctrl v then to paste, Ctrl c.

Hope this makes sense :/

Lux.

p.s Good luck and stay strong xxx

[Lil O'lady]

You have to bear in mind the addiction means this person is not the same person you all loved. Don't feel sorry for the change - but do get him breathed by the police as he may kill someone. The process will no doubt activate the involvement of other agencies that can help you - but allowing him to continue as he is is helping neither you nor him.

[jkkerr]

This will sound harsh so apologies in advance....

Who cares if he loses his job if he kills someone in the meantime?! Report him to the police.

[Panic Button]

Somebody strong needs to approach him and tell him forcefully that if he doesn't stop drinking and driving then they will call the police.

The consequences of this need to be spelled out clearly, and he must be made aware they are not bluffing.

That way he has a chance to mend his ways, rather than an underhand anonymous reporting.

He won't mend his ways of course, and he will be stopped by the police. However in his wrath that it has been done, the person who did it can stand up to him and say he was given fair warning.

Not easy I know, but someone has to grasp this problem. If no family can, could a strong family friend be enlisted?

[Tups]

It's that awful question of loving someone enough to shop them. Sitting back and letting these awful things happens because you love him and don't want to hurt him is absolutely the wrong thing to do. As gut-wrenching as it will be for you all, you MUST report him. Imagine how you'd feel if he actually killed someone! You could go to Al Anon first as they support and advise relatives of alcoholics. There must be one near you. Hopefully, they could tell you the best way to go about it. My heart goes out to you. Good luck and DO IT - NOW. 'Later' may be too late. x

[roosi]

There are no strong family friends as if this had been the case we would have "enlisted them" by now. I know what you are all saying, I think Panic's right in saying that we need to forewarn him first, as this way he can fall out, spit the dummy, hit or whatever, but it may make him realise that we have all HAD ENOUGH of him and his behaviour.

If we leave it it will be me that feels guilty as I did nothing, so doing soemthing or doing nothing - that's the question, and although it sounds obvious, it's so hard when it's someone you love. Not just that, but it's almost like everyone is being punished through his drinking, and not even an hour after it happening last weekend, my mum was talking calmly almost like she had forgiven him again, and I know it's only her putting up her "protective" cover for my brother and everyone else, but I wish she would stop as this behaviour is ripping the family apart and it needs to stop and now. I am going to talk with my siblings to ensure this is what they think is right too.

His bullying got so bad at the weekend I was almost doing something I hugely regretted, and not shopping him - far worse, he had me reeling. I think my brother will get there first anyway, and that's hat everyone fears is them coming to loggerheads over it as they are both about the same size now.

I just don't know what to do for the best, although Panic's suggestion of telling him sternly that if he goes out in that car I am going to call the police on him, and see his reaction.

It's all so near Xmas now too, and there is no good time, although I can't sit back and watch this all happening, I only visit once a week or fortnight, I am not constantly living with it although I feel sometimes this is how it feels, as it's constantly there if not happening, being spoken about wihtout his knowledge.

Thanks again folks
Any more suggestions, do feel free will be logging on again

[roosi]

...either tonight later on or tomorrow, really does help to talk on here sometimes,

Thanks again folks

R
x

[Panic Button]

I really feel for you. It must be horrendous.

I think he should be told of the possibility of being reported when he is sober, not when he is drunk and about to drive. It won't be possible to reason with him when he is in that state, and I would think he is more likely to turn to violence.

[roosi]

Yes, you are right and that would've been my fear was that he turns when drunk if accused / told that I was or someone else was going to call them.

I do also think this fighting will happen when he is "sober", it beats me how he is still ok to work, in everyday on time - very punctual and good at his job, although at home is a completely different person.