Ridiculous I Know...... But Parent Advice Needed Please

[bednobs]

hi, my daughter is nearly 3 and has been going to nursery full time since she was 9 months old. Before she went to nursery we didn't go to many baby type groups for many reasons, and we are older parents, so don't have many peers with young children.
I am worried that my daughter isn't/wont be popular at nursery, or have any friends. We never really see the other parents at pick up/take in times because people are so busy they just want to do it, so don't get to know the others that way. i know one of the other mums who i got talking to at a nursery day out last year, but her child is in a different room than ours. i noticed from her FB this weekend there was a party for one of the children and i recognised a few of the children form nursery in the pictures, but my daughter wasn't invited. I assiduously wrote xmas cards from her to all the other children in her room (about 25 full and part time) and she got about 3 or 4 back.
How can i widen her (and my!) circle of friends when i work full time? And do i need to care anyway?

[pixie373]

Is she happy? Can you invite any others back to yours after nursery? They don't really start making friends until they are about 3, I'm sure she'll just make her own when she's ready. Don't worry, if she isn't.

[mandimoo]

Hi bednobs, I'm gonna get the puta to answer this as I cannot bear to type it out on my tablet... Back soon x

[ummmm]

I wouldn't worry just yet. Most 3 year olds will play with anyone. The reason she wasn't invited was probably cost more than anything.

As for the xmas cards....some people don't place much importance on them, me included. She'll probably receive loads more when she starts school. That's about the age that kids ask for them to send to their friends.

[ummmm]

And btw...it's not ridiculous.

[Gavmacp]

Do not have children myself but a couple of friends do.
10 year old occasionally talks about fitting in.
Also my dearest friend when collecting her children stand quite far back from gate. I think she finds the mothers quite daunting.
Don't think major issue at the moment. Things that helped me was having various groups and activities outside of school so met many different people and had different friends.

[anneasquith]

nothing is ridiculous when it comes to our children. she is very young. does she enjoy nursery ? she is surrounded by loving parents and I'm sure family. 3 year olds don't understand who goes to parties or returning xmas cards. relax and enjoy your wee girl, she will be fine. she will be popular.

[sherrardk]

We all worry about our kids being popular. I worry if one of the things gets a party invite and the other doesn't (it's usually a girl/boy thing). As she is so young I wouldn't be too concerned and I'm sure she will get plenty of invites and cards when she starts school. Try not to worry.

[mandimoo]

hi, im an older mum too (43 with a 2 year old). I have similar worries. She is an only child and having older parents who themselves are a bit loners, keep themselves to themselves and aren't really into the stuff everyone else is (never listen to radio 1, don't wear make up) and I worry where my daughter will learn to be a popular kid, rather than the oddball on her own in the corner as I find it hard to make friends at groups. I go week after week and everyone seems to be friends, but no-one really talks to me and I don't like to really impose myself on people.

that said, I think I realise that these are my issues, and my anxiety, if I don't keep it in check, WILL rub off on her and give her issues!

I doubt that your daughter has been bothered by the xmas cards thing (it would have bothered me too btw).

I think the right answer to 'do I need to care anyway' should be NO. You are what you are, and your daughter loves that person (and she's the one that matters).

How to widen the circle.... when is your daughters birthday? can you have a party? maybe you could host an 'aloe vera' party( do you know what I mean, you get the 'forever living' rep to come to your house with loads of samples. I went to one recently. one of the ladies got a face mask, I got a wrap done on my arms, free samples were given out. as a host you put on some nibbles for everyone) and invite some of the mums somehow? would the nursery allow you to distribute invites?

or perhaps look up your local NCT 'bumps, babies and beyond' group. they usually organise regular socials and might be able to point you to some weekend socials.

[Retrochic]

Children tend to make friends regardless of what parents do.Three is very early for making 'best friends' unless its someone they live very near to. Some children are shy, some extrovert, don't be pushy or force her do be 'popular' -she will find her own level as she gets older.

[bednobs]

ha, mandi, im giving you best answer, because you could be me!
i found it hard to breakthrough at groups and especially because i lost two children before we had our daughter (my first daughter stillborn and my son lived for a day) and i found the "is she your first" type of questions really difficult to cope with, and also found it hard to connect to people who moaned about parenty type things, as i used to just think "you don't know how lucky you are you silly cow" - not all that conducive to making bosom buddies! i am suspicious abut NCT too

[anneasquith]

your wee ones Heather and William make your daughter so precious I'm sure.

[mandimoo]

what a heartbreaking journey you have had bednobs. don't suppose you live in west midlands do you?

[bednobs]

nah, not near enough to invite you round after nursery anyway :)

[sherrardk]

I wouldn't try and force being friends with the other mothers, I found most other mothers a bit 'irritating' (for a variety of reasons, including their dithering and my complete lack of patience with them). I am good friends with someone I met at playgroup but that is not due to our children although they all get on brilliantly (they haven't got much choice really).

[Mosaic]

It's sad when other mothers are basically big kids. The only thing worse than the mum clique is feeling you want / need / ought to belong. Do yourself a favour, just roll along. Kids of this age only notice what adults tell them about. Take your child to swimming classes, creative workshops for families (libraries and museums do these), all these sort of things. Why would you want to be accepted by people obsessed with status symbols, and who are happy to enroll their kids as part of the game?

Just keep being nice and sociable, like you are, and on your own terms.

I bet when the kids aref 11 these are the same mums buying ballgowns and limousines for 'proms'. Silly so n sos.

[bednobs]

hello everyone thatnks for your thoughtful replies. When i dropped her off this morning, some of the children were talking about the party and i felt bad till i realised she was much more interested in the glitter and scissors on offer! You common sense replies have helped me, and watching hte news tonight and seeing photos of infants that josef mengele then experimented on made me realise that party invites are totally ridic to worry about!

[anneasquith]

well done, glitter is far more important than parties, enjoy your wee girl.

[B00]

Before you know it Bednobs, she'll be inundated with invites to parties, to the point where her social life is spectacular and yours still sucks :-)

[China Doll]

What B00 said... at some point you're going to bed fed up ferrying her around everywhere. Plus, if she gets invited to parties then you're going to have to invite shed loads of snotty, loud children when it's your daughters birthday; good excuse for home schooling in my opinion! ;o)

[B00]

We've now (mine's 10) luckily got to the stage where parties are tailing off, it ain't half a pain in the rear when nearly every weekend is swallowed up ferrying your little darling to and from parties, not to mention the expense of having to buy presents for children you (probably ) don't even like.