Troubled past & current difficulties

[alexandrias]

Hi please can someone offer some advice or guidance. Before I met my partner 6 years ago, I had no self respect. I was raped at 19 and spent the next 4 years drinking and slept with a lot of people I now regret. It was my coping mechanism at the time as I had no self respect and I tried to make sex not matter (as if it wasn't important in the first place) but I am so ashamed. 2 months ago my partner proposed and I was looking forward to spending my life with him. But every now and again out of the blue he starts bringing up my past and says he keeps thinking about other people sleeping with me. (I am his first). I have tried so hard to move on from my past and have got a degree and a really good job helping others, but I am really struggling. I dont drink anymore (nearly a year) and have been faithful to my partner. I have tried telling him my past is my past and he is my present and future and he's always apologetic but it's destroying me.

[lil123]

Hi alexandrias
Have you tried counseling or psychotherapy to deal with your past?
I have had a bad past too and when I tried to have a serious relationship all my crap came up and I had to end the relationship in the end. He wasn't right for me anyway.
I am now starting some intense therapy.
Good on you for doing a degree my hat goes off to you how far you have come you should be so proud of yourself.
We all have a past and it's the future that's important x

[Octavius]

Hey Alexandrias

You need to have a proper chat with the fella really, it sounds like he has insecurity issues surrounding his own inexperience rather than anything you have done. He is either seeking reassurance that he is the best thing that has happened to you and you will never wonder about your old life, or he is wondering whether he is good enough compared to all your previous experiences.

Some areas you might want to discuss:

Does he really have a right to judge your past?

His inability to get beyond your past is his problem. You didn't do anything to him, so its his decision whether he can get beyond the past. But you need to tell him random ad hoc accusations cannot go on.

He needs to realise that you were not born the day you started dating him. No one has a totally clean slate.

He needs to accept you for who you are - both the good and the bad. Use that acceptance to create a bond that holds your relationship together.

If you or your partner allow your past to define either one of you, you are living up to a label, not your personal truth.

If you're being judged, tell your partner: "You can either trust me or not � but get off my back!"

Don't hang on to bad feelings from a past relationship or experience - as difficulkt as that may be - they will only infect your current relationship.

Define a new standard for the relationship. Commit to it together, and make a new plan for your life together.

Everything you do in a relationship either contributes to it or contaminates it. Ask him what is focusing on the past doing or achieving?

I wish you all the best, but it is something he needs to get over and deal with. If he can't do that through honest and frank discussion, then can you ever rest and relax, knowing that these thoughts are forever churning in his mind?

[MiniN]

can i suggest relationship counselling for you both to work through these issues together?

don't stay in a situation where you feel bad about yourself or your past. what's done is done. you didn't hurt anyone. if you were a guy you/your partner wouldn't even be questioning your 'promiscuity'.

live life and be happy alexandrias

[gucciman]

this is a very very common thing with us men, i'm not even sure why we do it and even if we've had hundreds of sexual partners ourselves we still want to know how many you've had and were they better than us etc.

im sure your partner is insecure because your his one and only, he probably thinks hes not up to scratch and that your perhaps not happy with his performance in bed.

firstly, the problems not yours, you've done so well to turn your life around after a horrible experience. sleeping with lots of partners is not the end of the world, and as a man the more women we have the better!

the past is the past, we may have regrets but we can't change it we just have to strive forward and enjoy the present and the future.

have a long chat with him, tell him the constant questions are making you unhappy and you dont want to hear it again. tell him he means the world to you and no-one else matters.