Supporting Someone To Overcome Domestic Abuse

[Barmaid]

I have this week become aware that someone I know has been subject to domestic abuse (although I had suspected and had tentatively asked, I could do nothing until she asked for help). They have been married for 15 years and have a 10 year old daughter. It came to a head a couple of days ago when he lost it and she called the police (although she had in fact started taking advice on divorce proceedings a few weeks ago). It transpires that he is a very unpleasant individual and a very dangerous person indeed. She spoke to Mr BM in very reserved terms - he spotted the issue, probed a bit, stuff came out and he did what he could and then said she needed to talk to me. (My husband is an absolute star).

I have put her in touch with various domestic abuse support services and am helping her seek injunctions to protect her and her girl. I have provided such other support as I saw fit and that is ongoing.

I have my own ideas about how to support someone dealing with something so hideous, terrifying and soul destroying and have done what I believe to be best, however I am interested in the views of others - whether victims, survivors, supporters, perpetrators or human beings as to how someone can be supported through something like this.

Please - no judgment. I was hoping for a collaborative thread which might help someone who is either a) suffering or b) supporting someone who is suffering or c) recovering from abuse.

[MissTerious2]

It must be a dreadful situation, and you are already giving her your support. My only suggestion would be to let her know that your there for her at any time if she needs a shoulder to cry on. It's so important to have a friend to trust and respect confidentiality. It's worse when children are involved. We once took in a relation and her two kids for a while to help. That involved us in a lot of problems though. Hubby got nasty with us!

[Old_Geezer]

I've no direct experience of this and can only suggest being available to listen when she needs to offload, and if you know official help services maybe check out how they might help. But you seem to have all that covered already.

[Buenchico]

Possibly relevant:
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Supporting-a-survivor

[anneasquith]

I have in the past worked with clients in abusive relationships .
The first thing they must do is be prepared to leave the house at short notice. Pack a case, cash, telephone no of women’s aid.
A reliable friend with transport.
On average it takes many time to leave the abusive relationship before it is final.
I hope everything will work out for your friend.

[Rosetta]

If she hasnt already left and is still in the plucking up courage stage, suggest she gets/ makes herself a stash of money that she can keep secret from him for when she is ready to flee.
I wish her and her daughter well , its an awful situation to be in

[wolf63]

Gold medal to Mr Barmaid, he got her talking and he listened. He will make a good dad for your twins.

[New Judge]

I think that very often the biggest barrier to a successful outcome (see below) is the victim herself (I’ll use “she” and “her” because of this particular example, but I realise that DV victims are not necessarily female).

It is common knowledge (I think) that DV victims suffer a large number of assaults before contacting the police. Last time I looked the average number was around twelve. But on top of this, police and CPS files are littered with failed DV prosecutions. This is because of, what I call, the “he loves me really” syndrome. A victim gets beaten, contacts the police who arrive, arrest the alleged assailant, take a statement from the victim (almost always the only witness) and off the matter goes into the judicial system. At some point between then and trial day, the victim decides she only called the police to frighten him, wants no further action taken, does not want to see her man in trouble because “he loves me really.” The CPS has a policy of prosecuting DV matters even without the victim’s support whenever possible, but it is a big ask. I have seen victims served with a witness summons (something the CPS does very reluctantly), turn up in court to find that their memory of the events (which led to them receiving various injuries, the signs of which are often verified by a police doctor) have faded. They “cannot remember” having seven bells knocked out of them, or who did it and how.

The only satisfactory outcome for a DV victim is complete physical separation between the victim and her assailant. Nothing else works. DV perpetrators do not “get better”. They get worse. Your friend, together with her child, needs to get away from the partnership immediately or sooner. She needs to support any prosecution the police and CPS instigate. She needs to attend court and give evidence if necessary and ask the prosecutor to request that the court makes a restraining order (which can be issued with or without a conviction).

I know I have made this sound simple but I fully appreciate it is anything but, especially when there is a child involved. But it’s the only way.

[lady-janine]

Unfortunately it takes years to deal with this and then years to get over it.
My very best wishes to you all.

[ladybirder]

Things are a lot better now NJ. I called the police who came and took my abuser away after he threatened I would get worse if I called the police. They dropped him off a few streets away and he was back inside 20 minutes carrying out his threat. That was in the mid 1960's.

[bednobs]

one of the things for a supporer to realise is that it's not a quick job, and in fact will sometimes get worse before it gets better. OK so you're not living with the abuser any more BUT you don't have anything, you dont have a stable home, you suddenly have to change all your routines, schools, maybe even friends. you may no longer be financially ok. some people find that harder than putting up with violence

[jourdain2]

I'm talking about 15 yrs ago now. I didn't think anyone would care; that I would lose what friends and lightness of life I had if they were placed in the situation of helping me. I was wrong about just a few. Knowing that I would have somewhere safe to go and friends to support and help me was life-changing.
Well done Mr.BM, a choir friend spotted the same where I was concerned and things moved, quietly, on from there. It is really trusting other people not to back out when push comes to shove that makes the difference. That and that people believe what is so often seen as minor things because you can't explain the cumulative experience.

[Hopkirk]

You ask for no judgement but I'm afraid you are going to get some.

You and Mr BM are absolute stars.

[david small]

I cannot abide bullying. Most bully’s are cowards at heart. Personally, a warning to the bloke about the consequences to his person should he persist in his despicable actions. Unfortunately this retribution is not available to most, so intimidation is unfortunately unobtainable.

[Barmaid]

I have spoken to her tonight. She is safe and her daughter is safe. Her ex is on bail and she is under no illusions as to calling 999 without hesitation should he turn up. She has an emergency strategy and she has several safe places (one of which he would never even consider).

New Judge - I absolutely agree. Years ago, I used to prosecute and would often get DV or sexual abuse cases. I saw the rinse and repeat cycle time and time again. However, I do not think she will go back. She has cut ALL contact (save through an intermediary for practical reasons surrounding their child). She know that abusers are very good at "hoovering up" their targets to get back in. Although what she discovered about him at the w/e and the way he treated their daughter makes me fairly confident she never wants to speak to him ever again.

This evening she has taken some advice which was to have to some time out with her girl and do something nice. Self care is very important.

[lady-janine]

I do so hope all goes BM.

[Heretoaskandansw]

I'm a single young woman living in shared houses with men and women and during the past months I've experienced terrible interactions with men and one of my landlords actually drugged me. When I woke up I rushed to the hospital and asked for a checkup to make sure I'd not been raped and there was no evidence of rape but I was wearing clothes different from the ones I wore before I was unconscious. They got my blood tested and the doctor advised me to stay silent about it, because the blood test showed I had consumed drugs. I called the police anyway and they laughed at me and said they've had many false cases like this before. So in my experience I'd say any sign that shows you actually care is considered support.