International Joke Day

[AB Editor]

Morning all,

Today is International Joke Day and in the spirit of fun here are a few chucklers from the king of one liners Tim Vine:

Exit signs? They're on the way out!

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!

Velcro? What a rip-off!

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes (this year's Lafta winner)

So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

Enjoy!

[jno]

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

[jno]

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

[jno]

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

[grasscarp]

Veni Vidi Velcro. I came. I saw. I stuck around.

[elliemay1]

Those +jno's are all hilarious. I love Tim Vine's sense of humour.

[Ellipsis]

> Hello, IT Support. What appears to be the problem?

>> Eggshell.

>Eggshell???

>> Yesh.

> Oh, hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet problems?

[whiskeryron]

Dad there's a man at the door with a bald head. Tell him I've got one. When people take their little ones to the Baby changing room, what happens to the ones that are left behind ? In the old days ice cream vendors had a sign that read stop me & buy one. Nowadays chemists who sell condoms have a sign that says buy me &stop one.

[zebo]

A man phones the Salvation Army, Do you save fallen women?
Indeed we do
Can you save one for me for Saturday?


Clearly my tablet has more in common with Moses than Apple!

[marval]

This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."

[AB Editor]

Thank you for all those jokes made me chuckle :-)