Is This The Final Nail In The Coffin For...
News0 min ago
Help In English Please
2 Answers
Hello everyone! I wrote an email which I have to send a university. Can you guys please help to proofread this email. Thank you.
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Dear Sir,
I have come across to know that your university is offering the International Marketing course. I, “abc”, am ambitious to enroll in the aforementioned course and become an esteemed student of your prestigious institute. I recently completed my Master’s degree in International Relations in 2018. With regard to work experience, I have worked as a social media executive and recently, I am part of a well-known company "" and working as an SEO Manager.
As I have a vast experience in digital marketing, therefore, I would like to apply in International Marketing course because I have known for this institute to have a good reputation and I believe studying this course at your university will be very beneficial for my career, as I am quite interested in marketing, and I believe studying this course will grant me a better understanding of business growth and better understating of products and brands of any business furthermore I can understand how to bring new opportunities in business by marketing locally and internationally. I believe one of the major benefits of this course is a better understanding of a competitor’s analysis. I can better understand the strengths and weaknesses of rivals, and I can have a better idea when, where, and why we should invest in international marketing and how it can benefit in any business.
I kindly request you to go through my all documents which I have attached with the email and let me know if I am suitable for attending this course or not.
Before sending my application, I would like to know is there any possibility to apply in IT management course based on my profile? I have worked as a PHP developer as well and I own three years advanced diploma in software engineering.
I hope I will select based on my qualifications and merit.
I look forward to hearing from you.
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Dear Sir,
I have come across to know that your university is offering the International Marketing course. I, “abc”, am ambitious to enroll in the aforementioned course and become an esteemed student of your prestigious institute. I recently completed my Master’s degree in International Relations in 2018. With regard to work experience, I have worked as a social media executive and recently, I am part of a well-known company "" and working as an SEO Manager.
As I have a vast experience in digital marketing, therefore, I would like to apply in International Marketing course because I have known for this institute to have a good reputation and I believe studying this course at your university will be very beneficial for my career, as I am quite interested in marketing, and I believe studying this course will grant me a better understanding of business growth and better understating of products and brands of any business furthermore I can understand how to bring new opportunities in business by marketing locally and internationally. I believe one of the major benefits of this course is a better understanding of a competitor’s analysis. I can better understand the strengths and weaknesses of rivals, and I can have a better idea when, where, and why we should invest in international marketing and how it can benefit in any business.
I kindly request you to go through my all documents which I have attached with the email and let me know if I am suitable for attending this course or not.
Before sending my application, I would like to know is there any possibility to apply in IT management course based on my profile? I have worked as a PHP developer as well and I own three years advanced diploma in software engineering.
I hope I will select based on my qualifications and merit.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Answers
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I think you are trying too hard, Fatema,
The opening sentence of "I have come across to know that your university is offering the International Marketing course. I, “abc”, am ambitious to enroll in the aforementioned course and become an esteemed student of your prestigious institute" is difficult to read, contains groups of words that are meaningless to me ( "have come across to") and the language doesn't sound natural ("esteemed student"
The principle of "less is more" applies here I think.
I suggest you redraft it using less flowery language initially and fewer and shorter paragraphs so it's more direct. We can then tweak it for you.
Good luck
The opening sentence of "I have come across to know that your university is offering the International Marketing course. I, “abc”, am ambitious to enroll in the aforementioned course and become an esteemed student of your prestigious institute" is difficult to read, contains groups of words that are meaningless to me ( "have come across to") and the language doesn't sound natural ("esteemed student"
The principle of "less is more" applies here I think.
I suggest you redraft it using less flowery language initially and fewer and shorter paragraphs so it's more direct. We can then tweak it for you.
Good luck
1 to 2 of 2
