Being rude / standing up for yourself

[salisbury]

I have always shyed away from confrontation and it seems to be affecting my standing at work.

We were talking at dinnertime (me and 2 colleagues) and they told me that unless I am extremely rude to my boss, he will carry on treating me like a doormat.....they basically told me that he is VERY RUDE to everybody but everyone else gives him a mouthfull back, whereas i sit and take it and get on with things.

I want to change as I have always recognized this weakness in me but it feels more highlited at work because everybody else stands their round with him but I back down to avoid arguments.

I just want to know how to change, as it also affects my lovelife and everything I do, I feel useless and helpless , i feel like a normal young lad but without an attitude , so therefore I get taken for granted and taken advantage of a lot of the time.

[Imp y Celyn]

your colleagues are talking shite. don't follow their advice. there is a big difference between standing up for yourself and being rude. your boss sounds arrogant it don't mean you have to be arrogant back.

lots of info on self assertiveness on the net if you are prepared to change.

[devilwoman]

i think the trick here is not to be rude to your boss as that could get you the sack, if he is bullying you or being rude stand up for yourself by being very firm with him without being rude back, i dont know what your job is extacly but if you're always chosen to run errends or make tea or whater point out very politlt but firmly that is not your turn ect. practise being assertive at home in your bedroom in private use a mirror if need be, you sound like a good lad but you dont need an attitude to stick up for yourself, dont be a doormat. good luck

[PinkFizz]

I agree with IMP - mouthing yout boss back is hardly the right thing to do,but you can certainly stand up for yourself and speak your mind clearly and politely,but firmly.
Sounds daft,but practise at home in front of the mirror how you would reply to certain things he says.iE:If he was very rude just say back,"Im sorry sir ,but why are you speaking to me in that way?".
Good luck.xx

[PinkFizz]

I agree with IMP - mouthing your boss back is hardly the right thing to do,but you can certainly stand up for yourself and speak your mind clearly and politely,but firmly.
Sounds daft,but practise at home in front of the mirror how you would reply to certain things he says.IE:If he was very rude just say back,"Im sorry sir ,but why are you speaking to me in that way?".
Good luck.xx

[China Doll]

Being really rude to your boss back isn't going to help matters and will most likely end up with you in an even worse place to be honest.

Being assertive isn't just about having or avoiding an argument, you don't have to shout or be rude to say no to something or to have your voice heard.

Is there anyone in the office who you think handles your boss well but who doesn't seem to argue with him or a friend who always seems really confident? If so, it might be worth just observing how they handle difficult situations (at work and play) and trying to learn from it... obviously observing in a non-stalker type way tho ;o)

[salisbury]

thanks for the answers they are all good.
It was just getting me downt today in particualr as somebody pointed it out to me.

I just wish i was more abrupt / confident in dealing with people
I have noticed that the poeple who make a song and dance (like nikki off BB), always seem to be able to get what they want done and quickly, whereas people like me who dont moan seem to never get anything done.

For example if me and my colleague at work wanted something done (new computer say), he would make damn sure they did it for him whereas i would feel bad for asking

i am a GRAPHIC DESIGNER by the way

[WendyS]

I think there's a difference between being rude, and being assertive, and the trick here, perhaps is for you to start doing things which help you develop more self confidence. Local Authority Evening Class Brochures for the coming September will be coming out soon. Why not get one from your local library and book yourself on a Confidence Building or Self-Assertiveness course, or even Public Speaking. The thought of doing something like this may be rather scary, especially if you admit to being a little shy, but everybody on these courses will be attending for the same reason and you will find yourself in a supportive environment. It will also get you used to hearing your voice spoken out loud and being able to project it in a confident way.

In the meantime, why not start practicing saying aloud in front of a mirror "I really don't know why you are always so rude to me. I find it very offensive and intimidating". (or words to that effect. Then, one day when your boss is very rude to you, say the words out loud so that everybody can hear you. He may be so shocked that "the worm has turned" that it mightcause him to rethink his attitude. And if you include the words "Intimidating", he may start to wonder whether he could be putting himself in line for a case of harrassment.
If your colleages at work are supportive, could you share your problem with them and role-play with them in a quiet place?

[Cheekystar]

perhaps you should attend an assertiveness course

[jump79]

salisbury, you don't need to be rude or overly aggressive to get your point across. But you have to know when people are taking advantage of you or manipulating you - which is when you stand for yourself. No one else is going to stick up for you.

If you know you are being treated unfairly, do something about it. Your boss is not the only one who has a bad day (all the time it seems). Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. It will only make you feel like the victim and you won't get anywhere. Be polite but firm. If someone is being rude, tell them so. Most people like frankness, more so at work. If you take a stand once, you will never back down.

[joko]

have you ever actually seen your colleagues be 'extremely rude' to him?

i would be careful of believing things like this - some workmates can be very cruel and love wind-ups.

they could just be trying to cause trouble for you.

as has been said rudeness and assertiveness are two very different things and will illicit a very different response from your boss

[mosesg]

If it is just his manner that is getting you down, just say to him the next ime he uses the wrong tone of voice 'I don't like the way you are speaking to me' and walk away

[muppeteer]

dont fall for it! i can just imagine them now standing behind you prodding you & then sitting back & watching the fireworks when you get a rollocking rubbing their devious hands together.
its not about standing up to the boss, rather letting him know how you feel. when most people find they upset others with their negativity, they are mortified as they did not realise they were that bad. if this is not the case & he is still awful, them maybe you are best to leave.
having gone through this myself i know what a big deal it can be to bring it up, so my advice is this. in the middle of the day just tell him briefly that at the end of the day you would like to stay behind for a chat. that way have given warning there is a problem & not put him on the spot (making him defensive). give him a few examples of what he does/says & tell him how it makes you feel & that you want it to stop. have this already written down incase you get flustered & need to refer to it, or if you cant do it then just hand him the letter & let him read it. i GUARANTEE it will have a better effect than just being rude to him & he will have more respect for you this way.
whatever you decide i wish you best of luck as its bad enough having to go to work in the first place without having this cr4p to deal with while your'e there.