Should we stay together for the kids.

[whattodo?]

Both my common-law and I have said we are unhappy and that we are together for the kids. However neither one of us will be the first to leave. He says he loves me and would do anything for me but then he'll turn around and call me a retard or stupid and tell me to f- off in front of my children 2 & 3. I am miserable and know my children can sence this. My daughter asks if i'm sad because daddy yells at me. I don't know how to get out and once i'm out how will i survive? How do you let go of all the materialistic things? will my kids really be more happy?

[libby1980]

I really feel for you in your situation, it sounds horrible! As you know, children are not stupid and can pick up on unhappiness and anxiety, so staying together for the sake of the children doesn't work. Will the children stay with you when you split? If so, it may well be better for your partner to leave as you want to unsettle the children as little as possible and they could stay in the house. To begin I think you need to sit down with your partner and tell him that his behaviour of criticising you around the children is unacceptable. Have you tried Relate? Might be worth a try.

[ChuffingHell]

I must say if my partner called me a retard or ever told me to f*** off, the relationship would be over on the spot. that's not love. that's just incredibly disrespectful. however, if you still love him then relate may be a good idea - my bf and i did that for a while and it was nice to talk about things in a non-argumentative context with neither one needing their point to be 'right'.

if you don't love him, then having been the product of an unhappy relationship myself, i look back on it and i'm glad they went their seperate ways. the arguments and the sleeping in seperate bedrooms wasn't nice. and there was always tension in the house. yes, splitting affects your kids. but so does your happiness.

As to coping, there are things to think about as to surviving on one income, having somewhere to live (unless he moves out of the house and you stay) but i know a number of people who have done it and it's definatley do-able. all of my friends, after getting over the shell shock of being independent, absolutely loved the liberation - they were all v unhappy in their previous situation.

So i think the first step would be to talk to someone for legal advice about the split; how it is decided who the kids will live with, maintainence payments etc and then look at accommodation arrangements. Obviously if you don't work, this is all a lot more complicated - i would suspect you need to talk to the council about housing in that situation, too.

[whattodo?]

Thank you both for your advice. We've trying councelling, with 6 different people, he doesn't like them because they turn the finger on him and tell him he has an anger issue. after this morning of my little girl having to listen to us argue again i think we'll be finished. i'm moving to my parents house.

[suzi-q]

My ex husband spoke to me like this for years. I stayed because I kept forgiving him and my 2 boys saw and heard verbally abusive behaviour all their lives. Eventually he asked me for a divorced when they were teenagers. I would say from my experiences that a divorce actually affects older children much more as they are aware of everything and feel the pain so much more.

If your man cannot change his behaviour, and unfortunately people who think they have the right to insult their partner are usually unable to, then you have to think how bad is the situation, do you want your children to grow up thinking this is the right way to behave and gradually becoming immune/used to it.

If the answer is no then start to take steps to change things for yourself and your kids. Even as a common law partner you have rights specially as you have children. Perhaps now is the time to speak to a solicitor and find out what would be your situation if you were to seperate.

Please dont let him make you feel bad about yourself and let him verbally abuse you for the next ten years just for the sake of the kids. This is your life too and you deserve to be respected in your own home.

[tradey]

you poor thing no one should put up with that at all,if it was me id end it,and if one of your children are seeing and saying things to you about the way things are then thats good enough for me to leave or tell him to go.you shouldnt stay together for the kids its just not fair on them,and you too do you want to be unhappy all the time,but at the end of the day you can only do what you thinks best and what your heart tells you,good luck whattodo

[Amara]

When I was in this situation my GP gave me some good advice, he said that if my son saw this behaviour he would act in the same way when he grew up, and that if I didn't want to leave for my own sake I should leave for his. Let me tell you it was the best decision of my life. If you can find the strength you must try and break free of this man. You will not regret it if you do I promise, Much love and light - Amara xx