What to do??

[funkyflower]

Help please! I have been married for nearly 18 years. All this time my husband has had his hobbies, snooker, darts, football, golf, pub etc. When the kids came along (eldest 13) obviously my life changed and I was more than happy for this to happen. I loved being with my baby. Although I returned to work full time (reluctantly due to finances) when my son was 6 months old, he carried on regardless, football all weekend, pub saturday night etc. He never helped around the house. I only recently realised that he didnt even know where our childminder at the time lived!! Now the kids are older (youngest 9) I feel that it's time I got a bit of my life back. I didnt go back to work when the youngest was born (he had problems in his first 1.5 years). I enjoyed staying at home with the kids for a few years, but I feel he was resentful that I wasnt bringing in a wage. I have worked part time for the last few years, which means he now has to collect the youngest from school and look after him until I get home. I get school holidays off. But still he seems resentful. He wants me to earn money, but doesnt seem want to help with the child care. Now the kids are older, I would like to go out with my friends, as he as been doing all along. However, he has got real issues with this. He has got nasty saying I am going out to get men, my hobby is drinking, etc., which is so not the case. I just want to meet my friends and have a giggle! I only go out once a week to the local pub on a friday evening and that is it! He goes out 4-5 evenings a week to the gym buts thats ok! He has become completely self obsessed. He needs to have at least �90-�100 a week to spend on himself and will not contribute towards kids birthdays etc. which I have to pay for. He has accused me of taking all his money. I have really had enough, for the last 18 months all we have done is argue. I want to stay together for the sake of the kids, but am so unhappy.

[Ice-Maiden]

Bless you - I don't know how you've stuck it so long! Refuse to be drawn into an argument, and just make a calm statement that you're going to start enjoying your own hobbies from now on - with or without him. There comes a time when you need to assert yourself. You could take up classes in something which you've always wanted to learn, or suggest to a friend that you go to the cinema, bowling, swimming, etc. There's far more to life than just going to the pub, but I think you need to insist on some time for yourself. If you stick to it, you'll start to feel more confident & happy.

[lizzydrippin]

Funkyflower, You can't possibly stay with this unfair selfish man for the sake of the kids. It wouldn't be right for either you or the children. If you 've been rowing for the last 18 mths then I doubt whether the atmosphere in the house is that good for the children anyway. Do you still love him? Is he a good father? (doesn't sound like he enjoys spending much time with the children). What benefits do you think the children will be getting by you sticking it out with this man? I'd much rather grow up with both my parents happy apart ,than them being together and having a miserable home-life. Apart from all that, you deserve more.

[LittleMissxx]

Classic male me thinks !! Sounds like he's been moaning at you to earn money to fund his hobbies. And as for gettin shirty when u go out , probably cause once u start mixing you will find out what he's really been up to !!!

[Reverandfunk]

Call him a taxi.

A selfish man with no time for his kids is no man at all and you deserve better.

[Psychick]

Are you sure staying with him for the sake of the kids is really the best thing for the kids? They seem to have a pretty absent father anyway and having to deal with all the arguing is not good for them and Im sure you realise this. If you sat and spoke with your husband, explaining how unhappy he is making you and how selfish he is being, and thats it making you think twice about being with him, are things likely to chnage between the two of you for the better? If not, then maybe its time to put yourself and your children first, and let him carry on putting himself first like he has always done, stand on your own two feet and get that life you want and deserve!

Either way, good luck.

[Pippa68]

My sisters husband is the same.

She has to work in order to feed & clothe herself, as well as pay for the kid's things. I will tell you the same as I told her.

Leave!

[Pea Pod]

I was going to leave my husband years ago and the eldest daughter then 13yrs.kicked up one hell of a fuss. When she got married and subsequently left her husband I reminded her of what she`d said to me. I`ve never forgotten her words..More fool you. I am still with my husband 27 years later and still unhappy but now feel trapped. Don`t stay for the sake of the kids, do what you need to do for yourself.

[China Doll]

Kids need to be in a secure loving enviroment.

They detect unhappiness and absorb it.

By staying with this man you're saying that his behaviour is ok.

Staying together for the sake of the kids is not sensible.

[nutgoneflake]

I'm sorry I've found this post so late. How are you now? Did these answers help? I agree with all of them, and it's heart-breaking to read of your problem.

My situation has mirrored yours in terms of 2 babies, back to work and then staying at home, and now being on the verge of being able to get a part-time job and get a bit of my life back. All the time, my husband has had his football 3 or 4 times a week, which did interfere with weekends, but which I insisted he cut down on quite early on. It was a tricky time, but we negotiated a bit and got through it as a committed couple.

However, he's always been supportive and helpful and is still in no hurry to shove me out to work again. The point I'm trying to make is that there HAS to be give and take, and you obviously do ALL the giving. Normal couples have the same problems you describe, but they should be able to discuss the tricky stuff and reach a joint decision. This is no life for you. A couple should be able to share the responsibilities of family life - you shouldn't be shouldering it all, and definitely not paying for it all aswell.

Get some legal advice. Don't, in this instance, put the children first. Putting your well-being first will be what's right for them as a knock-on effect. My sister was in your situation, exactly, and one day her daughter asked "Why do you let Dad treat you so awfully?" and that was what it took for her to realise that staying was doing more long-term harm than leaving EVER could. They are now divorced and my niece is a fantastic 16 year old who sees both parents, and who has a healthy role model - a happy mum. Don't wait for the problem to resolve itself - it'll get worse. If you separate, it'll get worse, but then it'll get better.

If you ever want to chat or email, let me know - I really feel for you xxx

[funkyflower]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I know that you are right. I have a couple of friends who have given the same advice, but friends are naturally on your side arent they? Its good to know that you all feel the same too. I really do think its the end of the road now. I have tried to assert myself. Earlier this year I did an NVQ course which involved me attending classes every Monday evening for 10 weeks. This caused major sulks because he couldnt go to the gym! When I did a first aid course last year it was on two consecutive Saturdays, this too caused sulks because he couldnt play golf. In fact on the second Saturday I had to ask my parents to look after the kids!

Thank you nutgoneflake for your offer to chat or email, I may well take you up on that!

Anyway, again thank you all again for your advice and support, I know what I have to do, lets hope I can get the courage to do it! xx

[Psychick]

You can do it! I left my daughters father and started my life over with her when she was just 15 months old. Her father and I had hit bad times before she was even born and my only regret is not leaving him sooner and before it got so bad. I left in the end because I knew our rowing was affecting her, so I actually left him for her sake! I actually found it wasnt as scarey as it seemed. Money was tight but we managed and I could finally concerntrate on her rather than wasting time arguing and banging my head against a brick wall. That was just oer 5 years ago. Im now very happy in another relationship with aman who both my daughter and I adore, and who adores us, with another baby on the way!
Im not perfect and made many mistakes, but leaving him definately wasnt one of them!
Let us know how you're getting on!

[nutgoneflake]

Yes, keep us posted won't you? I'll keep checking back on here too - I mean it if you need any online chat or anything. My sister often needed reassurance that she was doing the right thing, as it's never an overnight change. Sometimes just a person saying it IS the right thing is all the support you need each time you wobble!

She ended up saving some money as and when (not easy, I know) and I kept it for her. It gave her a massive guilt trip whenever things seemed to be OK between them, but then he'd be his normal, controlling self again and she'd be glad she had a bit put away. I told her to think of it as either a second honeymoon fund, or an escape fund, depending on how she was feeling, although I knew without ANY doubt that it would never be anything other than the latter. She was so unsure about everything, she still felt she was cheating him somehow. Maybe you could save a bit?? A big maybe, I know.

These days, she says that she quite often needed to think it was for a rainy day together because she was unable to think anything different. It takes a lot of courage to leave, but it can be done! Good luck with everything xx

[VillageVicar]

Please, I encourage you to contact Relate where you can gain advice and counselling either by phone or in person. Sadly, your situation sounds quite typical of many relationships that have begun drag a bit, as well as being reflective of some of our country's less savoury traditions.

http://www.relate.org.uk/

Relate will help you in presenting ideas for your partner. Or should that fail, they can assist you with other options.

And 'perhaps' the following might offer you a kick-start for your own ideas.

http://bigworldsmallboat.blogspot.com/search?q =have+i+told+you+lately+that+I+love+you

I wish you every success

Fr. Bill