would you stay in a relationship because it's

[mydogsandme]

Married for many,many years my husband and I have come to the sad conclusion to seperate. At the moment we'll be living together as cannot afford to move and too emotionally upset to handle it all at once. There's no violence,nothing awful,he's a good man and a great father. Our kids are grown and we have a baby grandson. Basically now the kids are grown for a few years now I think we've been treading water,plodding along. It was never a relationship of great love or passion,we both found each other when we were lonely and at a low ebb. We've had many happy years,there's no cuddles or kisses between us,we are very different people now but still care for each other. The thought of seperating terrifies me but staying together depresses me too-living the same for another thirty years. I've spent my life bringing up the children,don't drive and left all major desicions,bill-paying etc to my husband. I feel selfish for my family for ending things but isn't it selfish too to stay as we are because I'm terrified of managing in the world on my own? We want to try to keep things civil-I know my husband will never change and I guess I could try but how long would it last? I guess what I'm asking is it fair to stay together living a life that is less than it should be,more like brother and sister.Would any of you?

[debbz1969]

Thats really sad mydog. No advice but just best wishes and I hope everything is sorted out soon for you. x x

[happyone2]

I think you are being very very brave................... it is easy to do nothing and try and accept something that you know is sucking the life out of you because the alternative seems even more scarey !

i think there are a lot of people doing that and living a half life !!

You at least are prepared to think that there might be an alternative life both for you and of course for your husband and for that brave ness both of you deserve to be appaulded !!

You dont say if he agrees with your decision and whether he also wants this........???

However, there might be an alternative..................... do you have to make the split so final ? I wonder if you could agree that you rent a flat on your own for 6 months and you and your husband have evenings out together....... that you both have the space to try new things but also the time to get together and see if you can find the things that you liked about each other again.

What you have written suggests that whilst you might not be passionate about him you do care about him and he about you - there is therefore no need to experience the brutality of a complete split............... you can both take your time and be the support and bridge into this new life for each other.

When either of you have a problem, or a lonely moment you would then be able to support each other and gradually over a period of time, you would either grow back together or become friends............

a friendship borne of shared life experiences is one of the best you can have and is well worth the effort to achieve it.


Good luck

[mydogsandme]

I was expecting a few silly answers-thankyou for your thoughtful responses and very good suggestions. Yes, there is a possibility eventually we find we're best with each other-that's why we're taking it slowly. At the moment I'm just very sad-things come up every day that reminds me of the past. When we agreed on this solution it was a joint decision - that we have time apart and maybe find someone else one day. Off and on my husband says he tried to make me happy and has done everything for me over the years-diy,driven me about etc and he'll probably always stay alone and then I feel it's all my fault and feel so guilty and sad. We haven't said anything yet to our children-I'm too afraid to yet and scared they'll hate me or our families but he upset me the other night by telling his Mum. I have no money at all at the moment to rent anywhere-I need to find more work but it's hard as I sit for my grandson quite a bit. I keep waking up wondering what I'm doing but can't go back.

[happyone2]

Much as it hurts him, your husband can not possibly say that he will be on his own...............he might meet a lady friend very quickly and against all expectations find that he enjoys all this new attention !!

He may well find that actually he likes living alone and will embrace all those nerdy hobbies he would like to have done but didnt.

He may hurt but always want to be in your life....................... but if you are to let him stay in your life, then you have to learn not to put everyones elses needs before your own.................. ie. dont give up just cos it could possilbly make him sad.

however, at some times in your response, i wondered if you really do want to leave - you were upset he told his mum...........why ?? this is what you want isnt it ? you cant get extra work because you look after you grandson - dont you think thats a convenient to allow you to not have to do what you keep thinking or saying you want to do.

I dont know your circumstances, but if you split up and have a low or no ncome then you would be entitled to housing benefit etc etc............................. you dont have to stay unless you want to - be very clear on that, if you really really wanted to you could be out in a week ...................

So be honest with yourself, if its not what you want - then what do you want really ?

Best of luck

[mydogsandme]

The reason I was upset he told his Mum was because we said no family yet. Also we have history-I knew his Mum would start straight away with organizing and planning things-obviously with what's best for her son which is understandable-and know that whatever she doesn't say she'll blame me totally. If I don't look after my grandson my daughter can't return to work,it's something I told her I'd do before the baby was born. Also and I know may sound stupid if you're not a dog owner but I wouldn't go anywhere and leave my dogs behind or take them to a tiny unfamiliar flat. They are both oldies and one is blind. I love them to bits and won't make them suffer. Thank you for advice. I think we can manage for the time being in the same house-what I'm struggling with is how easy it would be to say on the spur of the moment,oh let's forget it,we'll be okay when I don't think we will because it saves so much pain initially and I feel guilty.

[andres]

Reading between the lines I don't think that you actually want to split up. You are probably going through a bad patch in life and just need to give yourselves time to sort things out. The grass is always greener on the other side --at least until you get there. Try to work things out,perhaps some hobbies that you have in common .?You seem like a loving person crying out for affection. A few kind gestures towards your husband might work wonders.It might be what he is hoping for . He may not be a demonstrative person. I wish you luck with whatever you decide