My mother is lonely and depressed

[MrsJ1]

My mum is 78 and hates living on her own but won't make the effort to make friends. I live 3 hours drive away so it is difficult to just pop in and see her but she won't move to be nearer to me as she doesnt want to live far from my brother. Lately, she has started to magnify everything that happens to her - if she has a headache, she's frightened that it might be a brain tumor; if her leg aches, she is convinced she has a blood clot. She then rings me in a complete state of panic - it breaks my heart to see her like this but it keeps happening and I am at my wits end. My brother and I are both married, with full time jobs, so cannot drop everything every time she has one of these sessions.

I love her dearly but she won't do anything to help herself. Everything I suggest is met with a negative response. She won't join anything, even though I've offered to arrange it. She won't go to a day centre, won't hear about going into sheltered accommodation.

Any ideas?

[Rosetta]

Is she on any medication from her doctor.?

Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand and negativity, isolating oneself, lack of motivation or drive are all classic symptoms.
Depression is more common in the elderly than many people appreciate.

Medication may help but she needs to talk to her doctor. If she is already on anti depressants it may be worth asking the doc for a review of her medication to see if any change in dosage or type is needed

[Velvetee]

I know exactly what you are going through MrsJ. I'm in a similar situation with my 83 year old mother, who lives 50 miles away. Unfortunately, when people become old and have few activities or interests the smallest problem is magnified.

My mother just called me and has lost a Biro pen, she is getting into such a state about it, because the pen wasn't her's it belonged to one of her carers.

Like your mother, mine won't go to a day centre either. I've arranged for her to try two different ones, but she refuses to go back. Unlike yours, mine does live in Sheltered Accommodation, but it's only Warden assisted, so it makes no difference to her situation.

I've mentioned before, I'm trying to get her into a place with extra care, but where she will have her own living area, but have help and mental stimulation. Unfortunately, if your mother won't co-operate, there is little you can do. I know it's not easy.

[carmalee]

If you could afford it would it be possible to pay someone to spend time with her on a regular basis. Some-one who shared her interests, playing cards, watching soaps going to galleries or country houses etc. I know someone who did this with her mother and it was a huge success.

[Lil O'lady]

Sympathy, Mrs J - this sounds so like my late mother, except she kept it up for at least 25 years! There was no solution I could find. With my mum, at least half of the problem was she needed to keep 'proving' that she was important by making family members do these things for her. It was a wearing time. I suggest you just go with the flow and be very very good to yourself when you aren't 'on call'. You have done everything you can, and all you can do now is be there for her within reason, and show her love when possible.

[MrsJ1]

Rosetta - She is on medication. They have changed it recently because she got very depressed about having a bad cold (which she was convinced was pneumonia). Today she hurt her ribs when coughing � the doctor has confirmed it is a pulled muscle but she was certain that she had �burst something in her lung�. I have asked my brother to speak to her doctor but would rather do it myself if I lived closer. Perhaps I should write to him? I would happily pay someone to visit her but how do you find someone trustworthy, especially as I live too far away to vet them? Did the person you know hold interviews Carmalee?

Velvetee and LOL � it�s just nice to know I�m not on my own in this. My father died some years ago so never went through the �getting old� bit, and I have no experience or knowledge of what is available in the way of help. I did suggest a day centre but she said she wasn�t that old yet! If she were closer, it would be easy to pop in on my way home from work, take her shopping and take her to some groups like the WI until she felt confident enough to go on her own. I feel guilty that I live so far away and sometimes I feel that she is doing it to seek attention although, she would never do this on purpose..� then I feel guilty for thinking that!

[lozzylou]

hi sorry i cant help you much but i know the red cross and a few other charitys have a centre that have taff to go and keep the elderly company. i knew a lady that did this for a lady. she walked her dog took her shopping or went shopping for her, she was on call 24 hours if the lady needed anything or even just needed a chat. these people are crb checked and have to take a training course. it might be worth looking on there websites

[carmalee]

yes she did and was really lucky to find someone known to the family. she put ads up in local shops etc then got the 'short listers' to visit her for a chat.and to meet her Mum . Maybe the local church or W.iI could help - - what about any retirement homes in the area - lots of the residents like to get out and about ? realise its difficult for you though as you live so far away - good luck

[Velvetee]

I feel the same MrsJ and do feel guilty that I can't visit as much as I'd like or should. I have a sister who lives close to my mother, but as I've mentioned here before, she is very self centred and often takes advantage of my mother, financially.

My mother's Local Authority, who organised the Day centres, also have a befriending service, where they find someone to act as a companion, taking the elderly person out and helping them to participate in activities. They have to be CRB checked beforehand.

Perhaps you should contact her council's social care for older people department and find out what programmes they run. You can only do so much, she needs to be willing to participate in the first place.

[Rosetta]

Another idea is to contact your mum's local Age Concern as they may also have a befriending service. Is, or was she a member of a local church, often they are quite good at taking someone "under their wing". Ultimately, as Velvetee and others have said, you can't make her join in or go places if she totally refuses.

Have you contacted your mum's local Social Services. If you could tell them how much of a strain it is putting on you and your brother they may be able to take her to see local resources so she can seethem for herself, and reduce some of her anxiety about going.

Withregard to her medication, some of the newer antidepressants take arounr 2 weeks to kick in. Are their any mental health services for the elderly in your area as these can be helpful. Her GP would have to refer her.

[Silvercat]

My mother is just the same and she drives me nuts...
I really made life difficult by moving my Mother next to me into a large static caravan so I have her moans and groans all the time.

All I can say is whether you are next door or 300 miles away it does not make a whit of difference, sometimes I think the old ******* love to be miserable.... not happy unless they are moaning about something or other...

Its hard to do, but at the end of the day, if she wont help herself by taking up any of your suggestions, just let her get on with it. Try and distance yourself emotionally as there is no point you getting stressed as well as her. I've had t learn that you just cant fix everything for them so let it be.... if you have done your best thats all you can do.

[pinktwink]

it can be hard to go out and meet new people at your mums age and given her low mood. Equally I am sure she is afraid of dying and therefore may over state all illness maladys. I dont thinhk its reasonable to expect her too move from her family home yet she also can not expect you to be at her beck and call. Perhaps setting up a daily visiting rota whereby someone drops in every day relatives friends etc . That worked well with my gran who is 85 now.
Have you thought of contacting voluntary agencies who can visit your mum at home say a volunteer or suggest community action groups for the elderly where your mum could get to meet others her own age
good luck

[Fairie]

It really frightens me thinking of getting old!! And wonder if my children, friends and other family will come to visit or if i'll be shoved in a nursing home the minute i cant remember where i've put something!!

Jokes aside, it must be awful and i'm sure she just needs something to occupy her mind, does she like animals? a cat could be good company, give her a reason to be and they dont need to be taken out. obviously cats are not everyone's cup of tea, my mum is petrified of them! but maybe something on those lines?

Sometimes depression etc can be brought on when you've not got a lot else to think about, and you know what its like if your bored, minutes feel like hours and hours can feel like days, she probably needs something to occupy her mind.

[MrsJ1]

thanks for all the helpful suggestions and support. I shall be contacting Social Services first I think. She had a dog that died in September and I have been trying to persuade her to have another. I think I shall have to insist. It would give her something else to focus on.

thanks again, and to everyone else with similar problems, you are not alone!