How Can I Make Him Understand Its Over?

[BettyNoir]

My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years, and things haven't been going well for a long time. Basically we have become more like brother and sister, I am not attracted to him any more and when we do try to do things together I don't enjoy myself, it's like being out on a date with my dad. In March this year we lost our first baby to stillbirth, which was the final nail in the coffin. I have struggled through for the past 6 months, and finally told my husband that I would like a divorce just over a week ago. He was understandably very hurt and keeps saying things like he can change, and that he knows he makes our relationship boring and that he loves me and wants to try and work things out. He has been messaging my friends behind my back trying to find out if I have been having an affair, because he doesn't seem to think that I can manage by myself so I must automatically be seeing someone else, which I'm not. I will always be very fond of him, but the romantic side of our relationship has gone and I don't believe we can get it back. I would like to move on, but he doesn't seem to get that our relationship is broken beyond repair. I understand that he is hurt and still loves me, but I don't know what to say to him to make him understand that this is over and that I just want my freedom now. I can't get a place of my own unless we sell our house, which we own outright, or he buys me out of my half of the house, which he had said would be his preference. However, I know he has no real intention of doing that because he thinks if he refuses to give me my half of our assets that I will be forced to stay with him. He moans that I won't sit down and talk to him, but its like talking to a brick wall. I don't want to cause him more pain than I already have, but he won't accept that I want to leave and I don't know how to make him understand how I feel without being unnecessarily blnt and hurting him any further.
Any advice would be appreciated

[jackthehat]

I suppose the first question to ask is, are you sure that this really is the end of your marriage based on a long-term decline, or is it some natural fall-out caused by the loss of your baby?

[andy-hughes]

I would be inclined to try counselling with Relate, or some similar organisation.

You have nothing to lose except a little time, and if it transpires that your relationship has reached a natural end, then your husband will see that, and not simply assume that you can be either talked round, or forced to stay with him because of financial constraints.

It has to be worth some thought.

[woofgang]

Have you tried writing him a letter with this in? It sounds as though, if you are set in leaving, the next step would be legal advice. Maybe a solicitor's letter would demonstrate your commitment to leaving?

[Sqad]

Your situation is more common in a marriage than you would imagine........it may even be the norm.

Only you must decide between the two options, one is to live your miserable life with him (many do) OR push for a divorce.

There is no half way house.

[BettyNoir]

This is definitely not just fallout from the loss of our son, I was feeling this way before we lost him - getting pregnant was really not a good idea to be honest. But now our baby is gone, I don't see any reason to stay. If he had been born I would have tried my best to make our marriage work for the sake of the baby, but I know deep down that would never have worked in the long run.
I have had counselling to help me with the loss of my baby, and told the counsellor I was not happy in my marriage. He turned out to be a Relate trained therapist and he told me that he sees this quite often - one partner who is desperate to leave and once that happens there is no going back and all he can do is counsel the remaining partner to deal with the end of their relationship. I realised that I could stay with my husband and be desperately miserable for the next forty years, or strike out on my own. He won't let me go though, and it's frustrating. I felt trapped when we were still together, and now I feel even more trapped because he knows I want to leave and he won't let me.

[Eve]

If you do go to somewhere like Relate then this may make it easier to speak to him in a more neutral environment and give him some kind of back up that he knows he has somewhere he can go to talk if he is still struggling with the prospect of breaking up, even still about your baby, and to help him move on. It may help with negotiations as to what happens about the house and you being able to physically move on.

Is your financial and other interests protected? If you re not sure then some legal advice would be beneficial.

When you know where you stand legally, if appropriate, have you got any family nearby you could stay with, even just for a little while initially to try and help him adjust to the thought of you leaving?

[BettyNoir]

No there is nowhere else I can stay really. I have been spending odd nights at friends houses just to give myself some space from him and to give him space as well, but there is nowhere I can stay permanently and I can't afford to get a place of my own. In may ways I don't see why I should have to because the house we own is as much mine as his. He knows the only way I can leave is if he buys me out or we sell the house and he is digging his heels in about it, which is so frustrating. I want things to be as amicable as they possibly can be, but I'm starting to find it hard to be polite to him when he's behaving like this. I know I have hurt him, but he can't seem to see that he's essentially keeping me a prisoner in a marriage I no longer want to be in.

[boxtops]

I can't help, betty, but can send big hugs (())

[grasscarp]

I think Andy Hughes response was a good one. If you lost a baby 6 months ago, and were willing to be married to him if this had not happened, I can see why he feels that the marriage is not beyond redemption.
I also feel that he deserves a bit more than a non negotiable - its over - decision. How would you feel if he had done this to you? Good luck for the future with whatever decision you make.

[ummmm]

It's only been just over a week. He needs time to get his head round the idea.

[joko]

maybe you need to do this in stages - say maybe you just need a break - don't talk about divorce etc - say you want some time apart to think things through - let him believe you might take him back just need time.
say you can talk about it all in a few months or something.

i know this may seem unfair but it will soften the blow for him - once you are actually apart, then as time passes he will get used to you not being there ... so when you do tell him its permanent it wont be such a wrench and he will accept it.

i remember times when i have split up - the finality of it was the most painful thing, the sudden huge hole in your life ... and the belief that it might all work itself out helped me cope, helps you get used to them not being around ...

it may take longer, but i don't believe making a clean sharp break is kinder especially when one of you is devastated.... its too much all in one go.

[Purple_Popple]

Difficult situation but you can't help How you feel. It does sound as though your mind is made up. However you may still be grieving for the loss of your baby which may have an impact on you wanting to end your marriage bacause you can't see any other solution? Please at least hear your husbands side of things. .. is the least you can do if it really is over. It takes two to work at a marriage. Good Luck.

[beso]

You think talking to him is like talking to a brick wall? Read what you have posted and reconsider who is really emulating the masonry.

[Canary42]

Good point beso

[Dizmo]

Reading this just gave me the biggest flashback of my life you wouldn't believe. This is kind of how my marriage went and in the same sort of pattern as well. My wife had the same kind of feelings as you do even down to the point of intimacy and feeling like brother and sister. I was like your husband, pleading to make it work.

I also got paranoid and thought that she might be seeing someone else. She used to stay at friends houses and all it did was make me even worse. I can't speak for your husband as I don't know him but what I will say is that he is going to need support, probably more than you as you've already decided. My wife had the luxury of just moving out unanounced while I was at work and I've not seen her since (nearly 4 months ago). I think the best thing to do is try and end it as quick as possible because staying with him is only going to give him hope which you know he hasn't got a cat in hells chance of getting the marriage back on track. It is also going to make you even more miserable until you get to a point where you start purposely hurting him emotionally.

Does he have many friends? He's going to need people he can talk to. I was also advised to go to Relate but I never went because I didn't, and still don't want to accept my marriage is over.

I hope you the best of luck, I certainly don't envy your husband.

[bednobs]

having lost our first child to stillbirth as well, i can say that with the friends i have made who have had the same experience it is very common to either make the relationship stronger or to split it apart - for one thing it totally concentrates the mind on what you want out of life.
i also think grief is a strange thing - it might be that he doesn't want to let you go because you are all that ties him to your child - without you he has to face the massive burden of grief alone with no-one to share the special days with, the "firsts" with and so on. Whatever the reasons, as dizmo says, don't hurt him unecessarily. I can't see how the relationship can possibly end while you are still living in the same house: it just can't. You need to concentrate on how you are going to move out - only that will i think "prove" to him it's over