Partner spending afternoon with Ex!!!

[madham]

Hi my partner of nearly 5 months is still trying to sell the house which he bought with his ex, he still lives there, she doens't but he is in transition to moving into a flat. He needed to see her Friday about the house (it was his day off and she had had the week off) I knew she was calling round to the house... In the meantime he had to go to the local shopping centre to get some sun creams and stuff as he was going on holiday to see his Mum who moved abroad about 3 week ago - Short version she went with him to the shopping centre and they ended up having tea out and discussing the house. I am furious especially as we live about 40 miles away, we have had a big bust up over it and I told him to have his holiday think about what he wants and if he is over her and that not to contact me until he comes back as I don't want to speak to him before he gets back on Friday.

So what do I do, as I say I know they have things to discuss but he cancelled our plans for Friday night, simply because he didn't get back from being with her till nearly 7pm and that's why he couldn't see me. Can I trust him. I have up until this point but think it's gone a step too far, what's your thoughts?

Also 2 week ago, he text her to wish her a happy birthday, is it just a case he is with me get over her? He has told me he loves me already but I have kept my own feelings to myself for now.

[JackDanielsU]

Well you don't trust him do you? Im sure in your head you're imagining all sorts of things.

I can't see hes done anything wrong, hes getting the house sold, and is obviously on good terms with his ex, which is a rare thing these days.

Maybe he shouldnt have cancelled your plans though

You two need to sit down and talk...and you need to tell him how you feel, not keep it to yourself.

[madham]

Well my concern is that he hasn't been particularly nice about her when he talks about the split and the impending house sale, his family doesn't like her either, but I get the impression that's not true.

I don't necessarily see it as I don't trust him, he has planted a seed of doubt now. And whatsmore I did tell him to think abot what he wants from me, but I didn't even see him on the 5 days leading upto his holiday, this is after he cancelled our date and after spending the day with her. I have to assume they had some kind of "chat" about how they feel about each other and their split (they were together 4 years) and possibly he is still in turmoil, but I also think even though we have been together for 5 months it is better for him to try again with her, than realise he still wants to be with her in say 6 months.

I posted a thread about a month ago because he was worried about meeting my Son, we decided to wait but with hindsight I think he's unsure of his feelings for her and possibly of me. I don't want to wait around to have my heartbroken. I think just by answering your reply I may have found the answer :0(

[JackDanielsU]

Well I hope whatever happens it all turns out for the best for you.

Hopefully when all the cards have been laid on the table, things will look clearer, and you can progress from there.

[noxlumos]

If he has told you that he loves you I would imagine that he does, men by and large don't say that lightly especially if they want a get out clause.
all i can see by the things you have typed is that you are sacred stiff of getting hurt and so are almost setting yourself up for it by seeing ulterior motives in everything.
From what I can see he's done no wrong,I phone up ex's to wish them happy birthday and I also went over and helped one put up a Summer house which took 2 days, my wife never doubted me for a moment, because she's secure in herself and knows that I love her. I think that's what you are lacking, your own self security.
Have a good talk with him and explain exactly how you feel as Jack said, and i hope it all goes well for you.

[madham]

Thank you Noxumos, I don't normally worry about ex's but it's because they are having to have so much contact until the house is sold. I won't do anything rash until we have spoken properly.

[madham]

sorry Noxlumos

[Carakeel]

madham, as you say he still has things he needs to sort out with his ex, like the house. There is no reason why this should not be done in an amicable way. People can split up and still be civil to each other. Wishing her a happy birthday was a perfectly normal thing to do. I think it is a good thing that he is not bitter and nor is she, as otherwise sorting the house could become a nightmare. You really need to let him breathe, not crowd him with suspicions that may be totally unfounded. Ok, so you missed seeing him as he was later seeing her ... please try not to be so possessive! If you carry on like this and give him such a hard time for nothing, you will be rid of him very quickly indeed. He has told you he loves you ... so how do you feel about him, apart from being jealous? If you don't feel the same way about him as he does about you, then why give him such a hard time and why stay with him? If you do love him, be honest! He probably isn't sure where he stands with you, as you have not told him. I think he is doing nothing wrong. Try not to be so hard on him if you care for him. Being pushy never works! I agree with noxlumos, most men don't say they love you unless they feel very strongly about you. I too think you need to build up your own selfconfidence a bit. You'll be fine then. Best of luck to both of you..

[madham]

Thank you for that Carakeel. I have seen another side to myself today also I didn't realise I was being so jealous. I do feel the same way about him, but also don't feel I can admit this until his situationis resolved. I don't want to put my feelings on the line when I'm worrying it could all still go wrong. I have taken a back seat by giving him the space while he's away to think about our relationship. Whichever wayit goes I know it will be a true decision after not seeing me for 12 days. I will keep you all posted when he gets back Friday.

[Eve]

I'm good friends with some of my exes and there's nothing in it apart from a good friendship. If someone was a big part of your life for a long time it can be hard to switch off and unfair to make someone.

Feeling insecure can be understandable but try not to blame him for your feelings (if that makes sense). Like when we can be funny with someone who doesn't feel the way about us as we do as them, a very natural thing to feel but not their fault and something blaming them for can ruin what could otherwise be a good friendship - have learnt this from bitter experience.

He seems like a nice and reasonable guy and i think it's commendable that he's sorting things out in a mature and amicable way and has been open and honest about seeing her.

Talk to him and let him know how you feel but acknowledge that you understand that they are your issues and would welcome his help and support in dealing with them.

Maybe arrange to do something special together to make up for not having gone out Friday night.

Hope this helps xxx

[Carakeel]

madham, I really hope he comes back and gives you a big hug and you can start fresh. I know exes can be difficult to deal with, but I think he might just be trying to keep on the positive side with her while things are sorted. You are doing the right thing giving him space. If he is the man you think he is, he will appreciate that. Be strong and when he comes back greet him like lovers do, don't immediately smother him with questions and accusations. I Really hope it all works out for you and send you best wishes.

[sassenach]

I am in your partner's position at the moment. I have stayed on good terms with my ex, we split up several years ago. My ex recently split up with his long-term girlfriend and since then my partner has been very jealous of any contact between us. I have been interrogated and accused of doing things behind his back, which I haven't. It doesn't feel very good. This is just a warning really, you can't tell him who he can and can't see and if you try to you will only push him away. Sounds like he was a bit thoughtless about Friday night but I'd say just forgive him and move on.

[madham]

Thank you for that Sassenach, it's good to get a point of view from the other side.

[lynneylou]

move on!!