Time to move on?

[Rubyrose]

Hello,

I need some help!

I have a friend who is 'on/off' dating this guy... he's a nice guy, if a little screwed up emotionally but he messes her around so much and she just seems to put up with it!

We all work together. The two of them had an affair and he told her his marriage was over and he was leaving his wife. 6 months later his wife had a baby!!
He hadn't told anyone so you can imagine how shocked my friend was!
My friend ended their affair and moved on... then his wife found out about the affair he had as she read an old email of his and she kicked him out. Marriage over. 4 months later him and my friend get back together and have been together for 8 months now... on and off... but he basically told her when they got back together that he just didn't want to be on his own!
She does like him but he messes her around all the time and when his wife and baby come to stay he won't contact my friend for days on end. He hasn't told his wife he is seeing her either. It's basically like she is the mistress again!
She is in her late 30's (he is in his early 30's) and thinks that if she doesn't settle down now and have a baby, she may miss her chance. I keep telling her that she is never going to meet Mr Right while she is wasting her time with Mr Wrong but she looks at it that she is better off being with someone that being single!!

I may send her the link to this page if I get helpful replies! I just need to snap her out of it. She has already said she doesn't think he is right for her but she needs to be with someone as her time is running out! Just because she is with him, it doesn't mean she is any closer to having a family. He has a baby from a broken marriage already and the child isn't even 1yr!

I'm all for 'letting people make their own mistakes' and not interferring but this one is driving me mad! I'm not forcing her to break up with him or anything...

[redcrx]

hello ruby, long time no see

Sorry but you need to just let your friend make her own mistakes here, and like you i think she is making a BIG mistake. If he cant even tell his wife the truth after they have split up then he cant be trusted can he!

and if said he was only with your friend so as not to be alone then that should hyave rung warning bells in her head straight away.

All you can do is try and distract her, get her out enjoying life on her todd

[Rubyrose]

I was meant to add 'I just want to give her friendly advice and make her see sense. If she takes the advice on board but still wants to be with him, then fine. It's her funeral.. but she seems so undecided right now and seems to stay with him for the sake of not being alone'.

[Rubyrose]

The thing is... this is one mistake I don't think she will learn from. She got back with him after he lied about the baby... and said to me 'If I don't give us a go, I will never know'... Then he didn't call her for 8 days as his wife was visiting with the baby and my friend ended it again... He has been trying to get back with her I think and she was adamant that it was over... until this morning when I spoke to her!!! Now she isn't sure!

Hi Red, btw.

[weeal]

Sounds like the guy has both of them twisted around his little finger. Its great that he sees his kid, but for the wife to come and stay too? bit strange?

She is wasting her time, and she knows she is wasting her time but its sometimes hard to break off a 'bad habit' which is what it is for both of them really, biding their time till they meet someone better.

She does need to finish it and meet someone who is single and interested, and not just using her.

[RevFunk]

She wants to get a grip and ditch him
Saying that she had an affair with him so I have no sympathy

[stonemonkey]

Oh dear, this reminds me of my old school friend L. She was in a similar situation, Ruby. Loads of us tried to tell her he was using her and she was wasting her time. He humiliated her quite badly in public, but it took that to make her see sense. I hope your friend finds happiness.

You're a good person to have around, and I hope she can see that. x

[tigerlily11]

Been here done this.
I had a friend in the same possition as urs.
She continually hapred on about the bloke and how she wanted to be with him but his ex-wife and kids got in the way.
I told her if he has cheated once he will do it again.
He has cheated on his wife and she found out. The likely hood is he will cheat again on ur friend if he is not already doing so.
But you can't make her dump him. All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces.
I don't have this friend now because I knew he was cheating on her and told her so. She chosse to take his word dispite the fact I wasn't the only one to tell her what was going on.
Last I heard she had married and was in the prossess of divorcing him. She had two children with him and he's moved on to the next girl.
You can't do anything else but wait to see how it pans out.

[Rubyrose]

Thanks everyone... I went to lunch with her and told her I posted this.. I have just sent her the link... she is gonna kill me! Lol.

But I just hope she will see sense one day. She is waaaaay too good for him... and I think he knows it.

[andy-hughes]

Hi Rubyrose

I think you already know the solution to this - there isn't one that you can help your friend to find, she has to find it for herself.

As much as our rational thinking mind tells us that we are heading for a fall - and we listen to it, or emotional non-thinking mind is far stronger, and that is what holds the power here.

Your friend is so smitten with this guy that it may well take him hurting her before the feelings she has can be 'over-written' by hurt and mistrust.

It is always sad to see someone we care about making mistakes, and feeling powerless to help them, but that is sometimes what we have to do.

Be there for your friend when things go wrong - and it seems they will - and she will appreciate your non-judgemental support in her time of need.

Good luck.

[Rubyrose]

Thanks Andy. I'm not so sure about the 'non judgemental' bit though. Lol.

I told her 8 months ago when she wanted to get with him that it was too soon after his marriage ending and he needed time to sort out his head and be on his own and she should give it 6 months... she didn't listen.. and today she told me I was right and she should have waited! I knew I was right 8 months ago... she just won't learn! Tut tut.

[andy-hughes]

Thing is, she will know that you were right, and she was wrong, and she won;t appreciate you showing that you remember - even non-verbally.

I am sure you are a kind person, so you will be there for her, even though you both know she has been foolish, and ignored sound advice in the past.

[Rubyrose]

I am a kind person and I will be there for her no matter what. She knows that.

[MrLee-Gend]

Ruby nice to see you.Hope you are well.




" Nice things come to those who are nice to others."

[888sally888]

She is wasting her precious life. He really sounds like a weak ans selfish man.

Please tell her to move on - she deserves much much better.

[Rubyrose]

I spoke to her after work last night... while playing tennis... I think she knows all this.... she just honestly thinks she is too old to let opportunities pass her by!