ex partner refuses to discuss inncidents that happen during his contact

[neil&cinders]

my daughter has come home from contact with a bruise and lump on her knee, she told me she fell downstairs while visiting her dad.i phoned him to ask what happened and why was'nt i told and he is just being an *******, refuses to tell me what happened all i got was "she fell... end of" we dont get on at best of times and in actual fact he doesnt have contact order either, my daughter goes to his mums but visits her dad at his house.. i told his mum i dont wont her going anymore if they carn't be cival and all i got was "you car.nt stop it" i cannot afford a solicitor and am worried. i am taking my daughter to our gp tomorrow to get it on file.. anyone got any advice

[bednobs]

what on earth makes you think she didn't fall down the stairs as she herself told you this plus he did? Out of interest, do you ring him every time she bumps or knocks herself to inform him? yo should do, if thats the way you want it from him. really, if you were ringing me up regarding a small fall i would also probably tell you the same thibg ... ie she fell ... end of! I cant see really how this isnt being civil?? Perhaps he wasnt there so had nothing else to add?

my advice is to calm down really. Why on earth would you want to deprive your child of a relationship with her father simple because you dont get on with him? at least he wants to see her! you sound very manipulating and controlling, using the threat of withdrawal of contact is a really really mean trick.

Unless you have other reasons to suspect it's not in her best interests to see him, and if thats the case, how come you've allowed it up till now?

[jen78]

Would you ring him everytime she has a bump or trips over or similar?

I understand you are worried but have you got any other cause to be worried, have things happened before, does he have a history of violence or abuse etc...

Maybe he was being defensive if it sounded like you were accusing him of something, thinking he maybe did it or blaming him for what could have been just a normal childhood accident (has she never had any kind of bump, fallen over etc... when she was with you?).

Maybe he didn't feel the need to tell you if it wasn't serious and your daughter was perfectly capable of telling you herself.

You're a mum, you will worry, get overprotective etc... just try and have a think about whether it warrants your reaction and whether the potential ramifications of it are really fair on your daughter.

[terambulan]

The best answer comes from your daughter; if she is happy to visit her dad and grandparents then you must try and be happy for her.

Every child needs the extended family and your daughter is lucky to have them to share their affections. No-one has a closer bond with a child than a mother, comfort yourself with that knowledge and allow your daughter to bond with father and grand-parents.

[Blueflame]

The advice that you have received is very sound but as a grandparent who was denied contact with my granddaughter over very long periods i feel that your child's father and his mother might do well to be civil to you and where's the harm in explaining the injury to you.After all with no court order in place they do not have an automatic right to contact and you can stop it on a whim if you so wish. You are right to have the injury recorded but please don't assume there is anything sinister happening and do your best to maintain good relations (there is nothing worse than dragging a child through the courts because no one wins and the child will suffer in the long term whatever the legal outcome) I sincerely hope this all works out for your daughter's sake.with the very best wishes,Paul.

[jno]

I'd follow Goldfinger's principle here: once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action. Kids fall over all the time. But if it happens again start getting suspicious. If your ex's mother has a child in the house perhaps a stair guard is called for?

[neil&cinders]

blueflame i am with you 100%, i am not goin to hang all my dirty washing on here and dont feel i have to explain myself BUT you are right, i am not making accusations, neither am i expecting 24/7 diary of my daughter when she's there, but an ACCEDENT happened and fully aware it was just that but i should have been told, she did'nt trip,walk into something or something minor, SHE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS and that to me is a serious accident which should of been bought to my attension, i took my daughter to get it checked and glad i did, she has twisted her knee cap... on previous occasions i have notified them come what may, good or bad news but next time i won't bother

cival makes life alott easy than a cocky,aggresive mannor which has only gone on to upset my daughter,

[bednobs]

hi neil&cinders, sorry you didnt like my advice, but hey ho, thats life.
Something i am interested in though is how did your exes attitude to you on the phone upset your daughter? if you told her about his attitude, then really really i would beg you reconsider what you are letting your daughter know about your relationship with the ex; if you drip poison in her ear about her dad, she really really wont thank you when she is older. plus, if as you say it upset her, surely it is best to sheild her from this?
I'm sure you are a loving parent who brings up your daughter beautifully in difficult circumstances that are not of your choosing, and i dont now all the circumstances, but if your daughter is to stand any chance of not being Fu**** up over hers/your relationship with her dad you really have to be the bigger person and not act like your out for revenge of some sort by threatening to withdraw contact

[DaisyMae]

Well for what it is worth, here is my opinion. It rather seems that your anger at your ex is likely to cause pain and or suffering for your daughter. You say that you won't tell them anything anymore, good or bad - what even if she has a minor reaction to for example, penicillin? Do you realise that the next treatment of that particular anitbiotic could kill her - so if your ex doesn't know that she had a reaction and she contacts a bug when staying with him, his medical practitioner may well prescribe penicillin with disastrous result.

I know that this is only a worst case scenario but even a slight chance such as this is not worth taking just to get back at your ex. I do sincerely hope that you will give this all a bit more thought and act rather than reacting.