22 year old daughter is out of control

[anipeet]

Ok, where do i start. I really think I need help and for sure my daughter needs help!! Shes 22 years old, moved out when she was 16. Very much in love, didnt want to listen to anything we had to say and choose him above us....Lot of domestic problems followed. But still she is our daughter so we arranged a nice house to live in and decorated it for them. She was working at that time. But after a while the relation went busted and she went into the single life! Lost her good job, problems with rent and other bills. Helped her out again and found her a new job. But again lost her job, because of gossip and sleeping around with collegeas. So no job, dont want to look for job. Just want to do nothing at all. Says shes depressed and got medication for it. In the meantime we found out she was lying about a lot of things in her life. Never paid any bills or rent we now found out. Last year she would be evicted from her house but we helped her out again and she promised to do better.... And now again she came home this week she is evicted again and had to be out in 2 weeks time. Because after our help she still dont pay rent. Benefits she said has lost her application forms at least 3 times!!! Council say she cant get help because she still got her house. Yesterday weve been to her house and i cried my eyes out Its more than a tip!! Shes called the slapper and the lyer of this little village. Weve got 2 other kids, 19 years old and 12 years old. They also are very worried for her. Shes talking bad about her sister&brother (she says she dont know why?) So the whole family is for 6 years now trying to help her out. Dont know what to do anymore. For the last couple of years shes a strain to the family. We think we tried all we could! Screaming, crying, talking new promises etc etc but she just does whatever she wants and it feels that she just doesnt care. Not about us or herself. SO please please can anybody give some advice............... xxx thanks xxxx

[Ethel]

Hard as it is going to be, you have to stop bailing her out and make her stand on her own two feet. She is an adult and should be responsible for herself and take the repercussions.

She wants to do her own thing her own way - so let her. The more she can rely on you to sort her mess out, the less she'll do for herself.

[baileybird]

10 out of 10 Ethel!

[raysparx1]

I agree with Ethel, why should she sort herself out if you keep doing it for her? she is not a little kid, she is at an age where she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own life, but while you are there to pick up the pieces why should she? you need to wake up to the reality that she is taking the P read what you have written, imagine it was me asking you what to do, what advice would you give me? give her a kick up the arse and leave her to clean up her life and the crap she is leaving in her wake.

[Nannyjillx2]

Agree with the other posts she knows she has no responsibility so she will continue to act like this unless you take a step back.

In the long run you aren't helping her deal with her problems just postponing the harsh reality that she needs to be accountable for her own actions.

[Jenga]

I totally agree with the above answers. You have to give up now. She has no respect for you. She will learn the hard way. You have over mothered her and she is not going to grow up if you continue doing everything for her. You even said you got her a job. Do yourself a favour and quit.

[anipeet]

Oops!!
Pffff thats difficult to read and then to admit that indeed you all are right with your answers. Btw thanks alot for reading it all. In my head I know I have to let her solve her own problems....i trully mean it. But I think for me it is a fight between my heart and my head. Im not a stupid person but still she is my baby......... and knowing that she is in a lot of **** and we cant, even if we want to, help her anymore is very hurtfull. I wonder where I went wrong or what I could have done for her far before it all went out of control.....It breaks my heart everytime we have an argument and she goes away looking like shes got the whole world on her shoulders. In 2 weeks time she wont have a house to live in anymore.........Its kills me knowing shes out there in trouble and not trying to better herself.....Nobody wishes this for their kids. My son asked me today what will happen to her if she is kicked out of her house?? I couldnt give him an answer because i dont know and that makes me feel so helpless... She is deep down a nice and good girl (no drugs involved thank god for that) Her only fault is: I think she makes all the wrong decisions and because she is so subborn she cant or isnt willing to admit it. She wants to feel loved and its hard to give her that love if she is hurting us so much (and herself).
I cant thank you enough for the reactions you all gave.. I let my husband read it as well and then we need to think how we can carry on.
Thanks again.....i needed some advice so I can read it back..
xxxx Anita xxxxx

[raysparx1]

Hi anita, you so obviously love your daughter, and that is brilliant, if our children get cut, we bleed for them, we will always feel the pain they feel and wish we could take away the hurt, but sometimes we can't do that, they have to fight for themselves, all I can suggest is you both sit her down and have a really serious talk to her and hope you can get through to her that life is not a game, it is hard and the world we live in is tough, she will turn out ok with the love that oozes from you, it could be that she is actually suffering from depression, so maybe a doctor might be able to help I wish you all good luck, and hope you can all find the strength to see some light at the end of the tunnel, take care, Ray xx

[lil75]

Sounds like she lost her way after the breakup of her relationship, and cant seem to get back on her feet, as everyone else has said, she will never help herself whilst you and her dad are doing it for her, as hard as it is, sometimes you have to take a step back, and let her make her own mistakes and learn from them, I would let her move back to yours when she loses the house, but I would make her fill out the necessary forms for council accomodation and benefits, sit and do them with her, and go with her and let her hand them in, make sure you check all correspondence and she does the necessary.....its a 1st step....good luck!

[Ice.Maiden]

Hello anipeet. Good advice from everyone here, but I favour lil75's answer - merely because it sounds as though you've done everything possible for your daughter, and it's obvious that you love her. I would also let her move back home - just once more. See if you can get the doctor to have a word with her, and treat her for any depression that she may be going through. After a short break, try and get accomodation and any benefits sorted out, and sit with her and help her with any mail that needs attention, but let her make the first effort. She's probably finding it very difficult to move on from her broken relationship. Be there for her, and let her know that you love her, but also try and get through to her, in a gentle way, that she must stand on her own two feet. The very best of luck. x

[brenda]

I recognise your dilemma all too well .But at 22 she is no longer your responsibility.Cut her loose and that's it .Everyone is the master of their own fate in the end.It will break your heart to do this ,trust me I know ,but you have a life as well so get on with it.

[lil123]

I had similar with my 20 year old daughter.
I stopped bailing her out and let her get on with it.
She hit rock bottom, pulled herself out of it and is now getting on with her life.
Sometimes it is the only way

[pastafreak]

I don't think you made any mistakes per se...but-I think you may have loved her TOO much.....and that is what made you do so much for her. You just need to know when to let go,and let her get on with things.

[Tisha33]

I dont think you can love your kids too much but i do agree that at some stage you have to let them make their own mistakes. i was just like your daughter and it breaks my heart now to hear my mum ask what she did wrong...she never done anything wrong as am sure you havent.

I live with depression and it has at times sent me in to mad spirils of high and low behaviour. my mum did her best to help me out of any scrapes but in the end i had to learn for myself. When i was on ahigh i just wanted it to last and never wanted to bother with bills rent etc. i had to learn that the highs werent good either and that the crash of reality was hurting me and my family.
my mum was always there to love and support me but in the end i had to realise that it was my cycles of highs and lows that caused much of the problems.

talk to her tell her how you feel. dont judge her; and find out as much as you can about her depressionand encourage her to do the same. you've got to understand it to over come it. Depression takes many different forms and part of mine was promiscuous behavior which put me on a high and then a low when i realised what i'd done in the cold light of day :(

[ldalton2]

i am going through pretty much the same thing now with my 20 year old daughter. I will take the advise of everyone on here and let you dig herself out of her mess ups. I have done all i can do for her. ( which was bailing her out of everything) all i get from her is her telling me how much she hates me and how she uses me to get what she wants. she moved out 3 days ago and then when i got home from work today she was here at my home. I told her she had 2 weeks to get job and get in to counciling or she had to get back out. I have a 17 year old still at home myself and she doesn't even want her sister here with all her drama... I have had to call police on her a few times. my kids 4 girls ages 28 25 20 and 17 lost their father in 1999 and then their cousion (who was more like a brohter to them) died of cancer in 2002. I know she has a lot of anger issues because of this. everytime i would take her to talk to someone she wouldn't go back to see them. So now it is her turn to get her life togeather I can't do it anymore.

[anipeet]

Update :)
Thanks again and alot for all the answers.... I've took them in and thought about it alot. We're now half way of April and she is still living in her house, the landlord is now trying to get her out of her house by 18/4 In the mean time we now also know that bec we signed as gaurantor on her rental lease we are responsible for the arrears :( Her housingbenefit is now also dealed with she only get it for this year what means that theres still a debt of about 1500 and thats exclude what she already got and what she dont know of. So we still far from an end here. But for now there is no fight because we trying not to change her decissions anymore, shes an adult and need to make her own mistakes. The more we tried her to listen to our ideas and opinions the more she is going the other way. So we decided to let her do what ever she wants to do and told her that we wont support her anymore with money. The debt she has she needs to arrange a payment for it and if the court still wants the money of us she needs to pay back every penny (our lawyer will make an agreement for it). From the moment we told her she dyed her hair in bright yellow waiting for a response and the only thing i said was that i was disappointed that one of our kids wants to represent herself like that but that it was her own choice. I truly hate the way she looks, act and behave at the moment but she is still our daughter. We try to look beyond it and see whats gonna happen. I am honest when I say I dont have much hope for now but I also know deep down inside that she has a good heart so fingerscrossed and lets hope its just a fase what took a bit longer with her!
Thanks for all your advise and i'll pop around to keep you informed.

xxxx Anita