whats going on?

[ansme]

I'm having a confidence crisis and I dont know how to snap out of it and its driving me mad.

I've recently had a major operation which thankfully went well but it's just made me realise there are so many things I want to do in life before I settle down with my boyfriend of 5 years. i.e. travel.

I tried to talk to him about it this morning and I get the impression he thinks its the end of us because I said I would go travelling/working abroad whether he was coming or not and that it was his choice to come with me. I dont see why I should sacrifice things I want to do because I'm in a relationship because I know I'll resent it in the long run.

I might be part of a couple but I'm still me and I've changed a lot since I met him and we got together and I just miss who I was. Anyone whos seen SATC think a Samantha turned Charlotte who just wants to be Samantha...although I want to be Samantha with the boyfriend in tow.

The bf is an amazing bloke we haven't really argued and we get on amazing I know I want to be with him

I feel like I've been given a second chance in life and I need to make the most of it...in fact this will be the third chance in life the operation is the second major thing to happen. the first was surviving a bombing in 2005.

I've been unable to get to the gym and I'm still unable to do so because of my op and I'm gaining weight now as well, whic his making me feel physically unattractive and to be honest dont like the thought of s*x although I am still very much physically attracted to him I just have no s*x drive. I've NEVER felt like this I've always been a confident person and never cared what anyone else thought of me but suddenly since the op it's all just changed suddenly and I dont know why and nor do I know how to stop feeling like this...whats going on?

[tinglepie]

everyone puts on weight. Have you tried fasting? Maybe you could think about doing what muslims do with the ramadam?

[ansme]

I'm not sure if you're being seriuos or not. but either wya its not really the answer I was after.

[tinglepie]

oh ya sorry I just thought it was a male writting this uintil I read it propperly. How old are you?

[tigerlily11]

First of all SATC isn't real.
Those women are not real.
It is all scrpited.
Life is neither a tv show or a rehearsle.
You have been through something very bad and it is going to take some getting over.
Operations and so on can temporarily rob you of your sex drive and so can just about anything else. It's part of life.
If you stopped worrying about what other people think and lived for the moment you might find that in the end it will all come back to you. Be patient.

[mrs_overall]

First of all, I'm pleased your op went OK. It must have been a traumatic time for you.
You may be unable to go to the gym but there must be some exercise you can do at home. As far as the weight gain goes, the answer is simple. Eat less. That sounds harsh, but it works!
I guess you are going to have to think long and hard about your relationship. I bet the poor bloke is reeling as it sounds like you've given him the ultimatum of travelling with you or getting lost! Think long and hard about what is most important in your life. If it's such a great relationship and you don't want to lose him, you could always compromise by taking a shorter trip of say 1 month. Do you think you can go travelling and expect your b/f to put the relationship on hold because it suits you? Relationships are about give and take.
I don't know how old you are but you sound fairly young (20's?). A relationship without sex is not good. Explain to him that it's as the result of the op that you've lost your sex drive. Don't stop physical contact. Have lots of hugs & how about giving each other massages?
Good luck. xx

[andrea81]

This might be a bit of a faze your having and after a good few weeks pondering over it, you will just stop thinking about it and get on with your life you have now!

Or if you're serious, you have to think about how you really feel about you bf, as you have to face up to the fact that you might grow apart if he doesn't come with you.

Question is, how much to you value your relationship and would you be sorry to lose it if the worse happened???

[jack daniels]

going through a major op does make you feel weepy, depressed, take stock on life etc...
I had a major op in 2002 (all of upper bowel removed) & I had an outside poo bag (colostomy) and a year later 2003 I had another major op and had a pull through done (poo bag gone completely) I have a husband and 2 teenagers and was thankful to go back to a relatively 'normal' life but I felt 'why me' since 1998 when I first had ulcerative colitis.
Talk about being the lowest of low in mind and soul and then to be given a second chance to be with my family again was absolutely fantastic. I can see where you're coming from.
Your bf is bound to think the worst & think you're finishing with him. You need to explain exactly how you feel & that it's something you feel greatly in need of doing (travelling). There's no guarantee that you'll feel the same about him when you come back, so whatever you do, don't give him false hope. I know you feel he is the one but things can change beyond your control.
Your confidence is bound to have taken a blow, I put on a few stones after my op and I only lost a little of it but I'm happy in myself and my family which are the most important things as well as life itself.
You do what you need to do & good luck. I hope your bf is understanding or does come with you but it is a huge thing for him. Just because he doesn't come with you doesn't mean he loves you any less.
Reach to your inner self and say You survived the bombing, you've come through the op and you're still in this world. What you look like is immaterial, there are people of all shapes & sizes out there, people with disabilities, people that are starving in the world & worse off then yourself, and they cope to the best they can.
Be happy and live for the moment!

good luck x