Advice Needed Emotional Abuse

[sheri1980]

Hi everyone.
Ok, I need some advice please. Might be a long post.
Ive separated from my husband (together 16 years) due to what I believe was emotional abuse.
I am struggling to 1.come to terms and deal with all the stuff that's in my head, and to understand why he hurt me so bad, and 2. the guilt of supposedly me causing his behaviour.
So I cheated on my husband about 7 years ago, no excuses, I did a terrible thing and I am ashamed. I was very unhappy and thought the answer laid with another mans attention, it didn't.
So my husband found out, took me back, but became unwell, depressed, anxious and couldn't work, he hasn't worked since.
The controlling behaviour started soon after, so did the little digs and the manipulation, too much to go into any detail, but basically he told me what to do and I did it, I was scared of his reactions to things and felt like I walked on egg shells.
So, since our separation he has told me all his anxiety, depression etc stems from me cheating, I turned him into this person, the man he truly isn't, through what I did.
He was so afraid to let me out or allow me to do stuff in case I cheated again.
I feel incredibly guilty and am seriously struggling with this. But, can all this really all be laid on me? I told him a few times I would leave if he continued to hurt me, and he still carried on, he says it was because he was ill.
I wanted our marriage to survive this, I love him, but I cannot get over what he has done, I still have flash backs of things he has said or done to me, the sick feeling of control he had over me, some thing will happen and its like im right back there with him manipulating me, controlling me.
He says I need to have councilling, as this will help me move on, that I have to get over it all, and he hopes we can try again.
What I need advice on I guess is... is he right, is this all me fault (plz be honest)? Did I cause him to emotionally abuse me, did I deserve it? How do I best move on from this? And is it me with the problem? as he has sought help and is on the road to recovery where as im just stuck here, feeling very unworthy and depressed myself, I feel lost without him.
We have 3 children, and they too suffered with hs jekyl and hyde personality too.
Sorry, long post x Thanks guys x

[Buenchico]

Forget the 'black and white' ideas of EITHER "it's all MY fault" OR "it's all HIS fault". You won't get anywhere unless you BOTH accept that something needs to be done.

Let's examine this part of your post:
>>>So, since our separation he has told me all his anxiety, depression etc stems from me cheating, I turned him into this person, the man he truly isn't, through what I did.

Firstly, your husband DOES seem to be exhibiting some of the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Symptoms.aspx
so he may well have a valid case for laying SOME of the blame at your door.

However if he's now recognising that he's become "this person, the man he truly isn't" then he needs to accept that he should be seeking to get back to his 'real' self. (i.e. HE needs to seek help himself, perhaps in the form of CBT, if he's to start finding happiness in his life again, irrespective of whether that happiness is to be achieved either with or without you):
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Treatment.aspx

But that statement DOESN'T invalidate his argument that YOU would also benefit from some form of counselling. It's clear, from your post, that you might well do so. So, since you've got nothing to lose, why not give it a try?

You've taken the first step by posting here. Now's the time to find someone to talk to, either individually or perhaps even as a couple (if you BOTH think that you're ready for that).

So the obvious question is who do you turn to now? Some GPs can help greatly but a large number would probably feel out of their depth and either largely ignore you or shunt you from pillar to post seeking some sort of help. That most definitely does NOT mean that you shouldn't approach your GP to help with the immediate symptoms of depression. (Indeed, I'd strongly advise it). However the people at Relate are probably far better (and vastly more experienced) at dealing with relationship problems:
http://www.relate.org.uk/

[woofgang]

To add to Buenchco's post, I think that neither of you sound like you are in a good place to make decisions right now. Get some help, both of you to get some perspective on what has happened, then decide what you want to do.

[murraymints]

A time apart may be good, but you must seek help also for your guilt complex and associated anxiety...it's very difficult to get back on track once infidelity has occurred...and trust will long be an issue..if you both want to save your marriage then as Chris said ,you both have to work at it with complete honesty !

[ummmm]

Some blame lays at your feet but he shouldn't have taken you back unless he was willing to forgive.

Go back to before you cheated and look at the reasons why.

He's punished you enough. You can't spend the rest of your life like this, no matter how much you love him.

[cassa333]

There is blame on both sides. Has he accepted that your actions (having the affair) wouldn't have happened if you had been happy and your communication had been better?

Has he accepted that he has treated you badly?

Or has he just off loaded blame and his emotional baggage onto you?

He has suggested you seek councilling. Has he offered to go to with you to mediation or such like?

It is obvious that you feel guilty for what has happened but he has stepped over the line by blaming you for his present situation. He is a grown man who could have moved on.

[Arksided]

Some blame lays at your feet

Are you serious Ummm... all blame lies at her feet, If she feels guilty for cheating on him then she should. I wouldn't have taken the heartless hussy back... respect the fella for trying to forgive her. The best thing she can do is let him go so he can move on. This woman clearly does not know what the word love actually means.

[ummmm]

I also said to go back t before she cheated and look at the reasons why.

I wouldn't be so harsh as you but I wouldn't have taken my partner back after cheating. Like her husband, I couldn't forgive, so I would have moved on and not put myself through years of insecurity and emotional torture.

But...he chose to try and work it out so he should have forgiven her instead of making 5 peoples lives a misery...

[WELSHYORKIE]

Single are you Arky? Not all the blame lies at her door - as Ummmm says, they BOTH need to go back to before the cheating to examine why she felt she needed the 'other guy'. If they both want to make a go of this marriage then they need to seek counselling through relate (or similar). The biggest issue as I read this, is going to be trust.

[Arksided]

Yes agree he should of moved on, if he's not capable of forgiveness. At least he tried. Although the emotional manipulation stuff is wrong it sounds too one-sided IMO.

[Arksided]

Yes I'm single... is that a proposal Welshie?

[ummmm]

Just going by the OP (obviously there are two sides) he didn't try...he used it as a weapon and he's beat her with it for the last 7 years.

[WELSHYORKIE]

Indeed not Arky - your initial post was what I would call a typical single blokes response. 'Blame the woman - it's all her fault' when quite clearly it wasn't. She from her own post said
'So I cheated on my husband about 7 years ago, no excuses, I did a terrible thing and I am ashamed. I was very unhappy and thought the answer laid with another mans attention, it didn't'.
So what did make her unhappy in the first place? If this had been a bloke posting would you have posted the same response? Please don't misunderstand, i'm not 'having a go', I just think that a single bloke giving advice on a marital issue a little puzzling!

[Arksided]

That' what she says... he's not the one that cheated. I agree with it shouldn't have made all their lives a misery with his behaviour. Going back as to why she cheated makes no difference to them now surely.

The OP asked for an honest opinion I gave mine.

[ummmm]

I agree with you Arksided. Draw a line under it and move on. 7 years of punishment...it's become a habit.

[Arksided]

Welshie, Just because I'm not married doesn't make me ignorant of relationships.
Once you've being married longer than six months maybe it'll be less puzzling for you.

[WELSHYORKIE]

Ummmm - from what I read into this, I would say his biggest issue is one of trust - 'if she can do it once, she can do it again'. As we both appear to agree, they need to turn the clock back to the point where she felt as though she needed someone else and find the root cause, fix it and try to move on.

[WELSHYORKIE]

Arky, my first marriage lasted 36 years before my wife died - we had our issues and I believe that I am a little more experienced of married life than you seem to realise

[ummmm]

Some people will never trust again. I wouldn't.

[WELSHYORKIE]

I guess I would be the same, Ummmm

[Arksided]

Once burnt twice shy.

Sorry Welshie no offence was meant.