I Think I Have A Mental Disorder

[zzoevog]

Hello everyone, I think I have a mental disorder. Before you answer, I will give some context first. I am a 14 year old girl from Australia, I would say my home life is average. My parents recently divorced and I think that may have affected me as they would constantly fight, I vividly remember a period of time when I was around 11-12 years where I felt worthless at home, Just cause the fighting made me upset, did I experience symptoms of depression? I guess we will never know. But anyway, from there I think there hasn't been too much, my mum struggles and I don't see my dad very often anymore, my mum has to support him because he does not work. Although sometimes I like to say that these problems aren't to serious because I know some people have it worse. My school life hasn't been the greatest either lately, I am not being bullied or anything and I actually have many friends, but I am a 'floater' and wander around to different groups because although I have things in common with most people, secretly they just aren't my 'type'. I'm not sure if that makes much sense but in bed I mainly overthink about the different trait or qualities people have and how ultimately I just wouldn't be able to fit in with them as a CLOSE friend. I had some 'drama' (if you would call it that) lately, when I finally formed a group with two girls (I go to an all girls school), they both went their different ways and I lost multiple friendships even though it was not my fault. At school I just feel most of the people are irritating and sensitive, sometimes I feel I should try and become closer with the 'druggo' group, just cause they are so chill hah. I get bored easily of most people and in this period of time I have just been feeling like I need to break a law or something, just because my life is so boring and uneventful, I think I feel this way because my life is just repetitious, eat. school. sleep. repeat. And this continues until I finish school and then I have to find a job and do the exact same thing for the rest of my life until I retire and eventually become a living vegetable. This is why I: 1. Don't want to live until 100 (or as long as I can) and 2. want to be rich. They say money does not bring happiness, but at this point I think when I am older my quality of life would be so much better if I was rich? It angers me to see my mum work in an office everyday as she has done for most of her life. Anyway, despite that little rant, I also have a bad relationship with my older sister and I always for some reason purposely irritate my younger sister? I guess some would say that those behaviors are just 'sibling love' but I am really not sure. I have researched multiple disorders and think I might have BPD (borderline personality disorder), I go through phases where I can be happy and talking to my mum one second, although I will become frustrated easily and then call her rude words, it feels nice at the time to get those thoughts of my chest but I know deep down that it is wrong and I am unsure why I am like this. I will irritate my sister for my pleasure and i'm not sure why, sometimes I think of lashing out and jumping in front of a train or murdering someone? But iv'e heard thoughts like this are somewhat normal for the human brain. I like to listen to depressing music (maybe just my taste?) and many would see me as the 'happy girl with a perfect life'. In fact, I recently opened up to a friend about my home life and previous problems and she even admitted that on the outside I look like the happy normal girl with a perfect life :/. The symptoms for BPD are "emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity and impaired social relationships" which I think I experience most to nearly all. I study hard and do really well in school to occupy my mind, and I am very organised, and active. I play many sports with others and I love sport because it takes my mind of things. I do not think I am depressed, just bored of life

[kvalidir]

You've pretty much described me under slightly different circumstances and no I don't think you're mentally ill, I think you sound very normal. Life doesn't have to be constricting and boring, that a choice eventually, but you're right life is easier with money than without and so far you're doing all the right things to get that, doing well at school etc, so carry on. Life's a trade off all the time, there is no such thing as a free lunch, and if you want nice things, a good standard of living, whatever else, there are prices to pay, and at the moment it's being bored witless by people you don't really gel with. It'll pass, just don't do anything ludicrous to try to break the monotony, just surf it and before you know it you'll be 20 wondering where the last five years went and in a much better place to do what you really want. I'm pretty sure you're not mentally ill- well if you are I probably am as well and I just think I'm a normal, easily irritated 20 year old who wants as much as she can have and overthinks things sometimes. That's all the glories of human nature. Just chill, you're fine.

[Old_Geezer]

You sound normal for an adolescent to me too. If you can take one small bit of criticism though; massive blocks of text are difficult to read and keep one's concentration, which put many off reading. Paragraphs are worth using to avoid that. Apart from that, soldier on with life, it'll likely seem better when the hormones have settled down. Was less awkward beforehand wasn't it ? So it will again.

[Peter Pedant]

No I dont think you are ill
I dont think you are 14 either

[Peter Pedant]

normal teenager ? more articulate than an Oz MP.
most of the teenagers I know communicate in grunts and cant string 3 words together ....