Xmas Lunch - Awkward

[chrissa1]

My daughter is coming up to our part of the world and bringing her husband and the twins to meet their uncle and cousins for the first time, for Xmas.

My son’s new partner who is a lovely person but quite clingy has taken it upon herself to include her mother into the Xmas Day lunch. I have never met her and of course neither has my daughter and family.

The thing is, is that my daughter’s mother in law is shelling out for the whole week and paying for the rent of the large house and I have said to my son that really she shouldn’t be having to pay for a stranger, too.

Also my daughter wants the twin’s first Xmas to be with Just, family and not have a complete stranger at the dinner table.

I have said that I will text a message to the girlfriend and explain everything.

How would you word it? TIA.

[mallyh]

I would tell son to explain to her x

[pixie374]

Personally, I would invite her. If that really is not possible, say that you are sorry you have already made all the plans, but you hope she can come for a meal.... whichever time. Is it worth the hassle? X

[calmck]

Maybe your son could contribute towards his partners mother. Is the partner going to be part of the family and would not your son be upset if she was not included. It should be your son explaining to the girlfriend and not you. Maybe this would be a good time for the family to meet her

[KARL]

Nobody can adequately advise you on how you should express your feelings to someone who does not see things your way.

[davebro]

So the mother can't be with her daughter at Xmas? I think that's a bit harsh. She may be a lovely person who will become a good friend. You should welcome her in - in the true spirit of the season.

[Vagus]

Maybe the mother would be by herself if she didn’t join your family, and even if she wouldn’t be by herself I’d be inclined to let her stay included since she’s been asked. As pixie says, not really worth the hassle is it, one more person isn’t going to make a whole load of difference really.

[EDDIE51]

I would let 'The Spirt of Christmas' prevail and invite everyone ! You will almost certainly be happy with the result !
Life is too short for such trivial arguments ! (especially in The Season of Goodwill !!)

[Cloverjo]

Presumably the rent of the house would cost the same whether the extra mother is there or not. Also, who put your daughter in charge of who can come? Embrace everyone, I’d say.

[chrissa1]

That’s just it, Vagus. She hasn’t been asked. When his partner asked if she could come my son said he’d ask and get back to her. She then said, “oh by the way, I’ve asked Mum.”

I don’t mind being the one to say no because it would save my son from no end of grief.

[davebro]

"She hasn’t been asked"

Well it's not too late to make the invite formal!

[chrissa1]

She’s not going to be alone. The daughter didn’t include her last year when she first met my son and that seemed to be alright

[pixie374]

I'm not convinced it will Chrissa... he will get it from one side or the other- and may end up not attending himself, and spending it with his partner instead...
If you are ok with that, then he can tell her and just say that you said no.

[davebro]

"How would you word it?"

Dear Mrs X,
Sorry your daughter inadvertently invited you for Xmas but as we don't know you I afraid you can't come. Hope you enjoy yourself with whoever you spent Xmas last year.

Compliments of the season. Chris xxx

[gness]

Chrissa...I agree with most on here. This lady may become a member of your family for many years to come.
One more person? Your son could have a chat with the lady paying for the house....offer to contribute or buy some special foods and treats......embrace everyone and have a lovely family...extended family and family to be perhaps...... Christmas.
Refusing to have her with you all could sour this Christmas and many more to come...... and believe me, Chrissa...... from my experience with a sister you want to avoid that!

And really....the twins won't know a stranger from anyone else surely?

[Cloverjo]

Then just say something like ‘I hear your daughter has invited you for Christmas with us. We’d love to meet you sometime but unfortunately there will be no space. Very sorry.’

[MallyJ]

Uninvite your sons girlfriend so that she can spend Christmas with her mother .... your son can then decide if he wants to spend the time with them and you won't have to cook so much. Or just let her come and join in with your family do because otherwise she may well be lonely and no one wants that .... or do they....

[ummmm]

I'm in agreement with everyone. Let her come. You never know, she might make other plans.

[Canary42]

///I have said that I will text a message to the girlfriend and explain everything. How would you word it? ///

"Hi, although not footing the bill, I've decided your mother is not wanted at our celebration. Live with it"

[chrissa1]

My son is coming to the lunch. He wouldn’t miss seeing his new nieces.

[pixie374]

It could still make things very awkward, in the future, chrissa... you know what relationships are like. His partner may well not give him an easy time. And the mother may well need some company at Christmas.
I once invited a (very) old ex of my sister for Christmas, as I accidentally found out he would be alone and was just going to wander around the village. Everyone who came, brought him a small present and he was very included. He said it was actually the best Christmas he had ever had. Although my sister occasionally takes the pee about me inviting her ex for Christmas... we are glad we did.
I would look ahead now, and just let her come xx