Getting married and changing your name

atolhurst | 13:25 Wed 14th Jun 2006 | Body & Soul

13 Answers

Neither by bf or I want to get married yet but we're of that mindset that (providing something dramatic doesn't happen) we'll eventually get married.

So, we were discussing the whole changing or surname thing and I advised him that I would like to share the same surname as him, but see no reason why it couldn't be my name being shared. He's really not keen on this but I don't know why. Exactly what is the problem? And why is it so often assumed that women take their partners surname?

Mosquitos...aaaargggghhhh !

do u no anyone personally?

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Pippa68

Because it's 'the norm'!

I really don't have a problem with it and was proud to take my husbands name..although mainly because I had my previous married surname, and my maiden name was awful..but that's besides the point ;o)

How about double-barrelling your names? or if you really don't want to take his name you can still be known as your maiden name if you wish.

Champagne

Pippa is right in that it has just come to be normal practice. The husband's surname was usually adopted because it avoided confusion when it came to having children. From the 1970's, an increasing trend grew for women to keep their birth name. Now that trend is resorting back to women taking their partner's name. It's all just a fad thing really!

I do have to answer your question with two questions though:

What is the problem with taking his surname? and;
Have you asked him why he sees it as so important?

andy-hughes

Some people do seem to have a problem with the notion of their surname dying out - or at least their branch of it. Personally, unless you are from some particularly old and revered family - the Cavannagh-Mainwairings for example, I fail to see why anyone's name is important enough to live on after me. My two lodest daughters didn;t share my name anyway, and one was, and the other is about to be married, and i have no issues about the youngest loosing our name, and when I pop off, that's it for my particular branch of the Hughes line.

Perhaps you have an unusual surname, or your partner feels that taking your name will make him seem 'under the tumb'? You need to discuss it with him, and decide where you go from here.

smudge

A friend of ours got married, but insisted on keeping her maiden name. They went on to have two children & were given their father's surname. The children grew up having to explain to friends, that 'yes' Mummy & Daddy are married, but........

What's was the point?

Supernick

I think that many men would find it rather emasculating taking their wife's name. This is only because it's a social tradition, but it's been ingrained in many of us since birth that this is how the world works. I wouldn't like it, and can't really explain why as I'm not your macho chest beating type.

atolhurst

Question Author

It's not that I don't want to share the same name as him. I like the idea of association and I see the sense when it comes to kids.

But what I find strange is that he is so against taking mine, where as me taking his is, as Pippa puts it, "the norm". As were all the other guys I broached the subject with. I just don't really understand why. Any thoughts

BTW, my surname is Tolhurst - his is Cole. Neither are awful (in my opinion anyway!)

~posy-jo~

not really an answer to the q but i hated my maiden name and couldn't wait to take my husbands so i could get rid of it. although i have the problem of people saying it and spelling it now!! why couldn't i have been a smith or a jones!!! xXx

caz21

I agree with supernick i think a man would find it emasculating. i understand your reasoning and i'm all for equal rights, but i prefer in this case to go with the traditional man being the head of the household thing and so it should be his name used! in my opinion! I cant wait to get rid of my surname for personal reasons and if i marry my boyfriend (hopefully-maybe one day) i'd love to have his surname its King and would make me sound all regal! te he!!

P.S i may think twice if his surname was Bottomley or Titley or something ;o)
(no offence if anyone has these names by the way!)

CrazyDaisy80

I agree with Champagne - why not ask him why it's important to him to have his own Surname!!

I am getting Married and changing mine and becomming a Smith ironically!!!! I personally see it as a Sign that I am willing to commit to my Partner for Life, not just in Marriage, but in Name too....

Plus if we ever do have Kids it saves the Kids the bother of explaining in the Playground why Mummy/Daddy/Kid have different Surnames. I had a different Surname to my Mum and it was awful having to explain why!!

I get what you are saying about sharing the Surname but can't it be either - but as that is important to you, so might his Surname be to him!!