Best Ever One-Liner?

[NoMercy]

My favourite...

Journo asking Joan Collins about (much younger) husband, Percy Gibson.

Journo: Does the age gap bother you?

Collins: If he dies, he dies...

What's your favourite ever one-liner?

[albaqwerty]

It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men (Greta Garbo?)

[sara3]

me to my manager, "when I said f*** off, I meant it".

he was a nice bloke :o)

[secsee1]

Mrs. Merton (Caroline Ahern) talking to Debbie Magee (wife of Paul Daniels)

''Tell me Debbie what first attracted you to the MILLIONAIRE Paul Daniels ?''

[craft1948]

James Goldsmith (supposedly)...........A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy....

[dustypuss]

Mrs Merton to Debby McGee

What first attracted you to the multi millionaire Paul Daniels.

[yogasun]

'I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member'

(Groucho Marx - on resigning immediately having had his club application accepted)

[NoMercy]

lol !

Anon: Is Groucho your real name?

Marx: No, I'm just breaking it in for a friend.

[mazie]

I used to be Snow White but I drifted ~ Mae West

[craft1948]

years ago a TV reporter asked a man in the street what he thought about Prince Edwards forthcoming marriage and straight faced the guy said............Oh I'm completely underwhelmed........the TV guy didn't get it.

[yogasun]

NoM

He was a master of the one liners wasn't he?
Love the Mrs. Merton one though!

[mazie]

Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. ~ Mae West

[secsee1]

Wife of a famous politician of the time to Winston Churchill (with utmost disgust in her voice)''Mr. Churchill you're drunk !!

Churchill replied '' yes madam and you are ugly but in the morning I will be sober''

[xxconfused2010xx]

for sale : packet of polos.

Mint condition

[xxconfused2010xx]

my boyfriend came home from work really upset today and told me to console him..

so i hit him over the head with his xbox.

[mccfluff]

WC Fields - i don't drink water fish fcuk in it

[secsee1]

An American warship signaling to a British warship moored in a foriegn harbour in WW2, ''Wellcome how is the worlds second biggest navy ?''

to which the reply was.. ''Fine thank you How is the worlds SECOND BEST''

[tara20]

Zsa Zsa Gabor - I'm an excellent housekeeper, everytime I divorce - I keep the house!

[fredpuli47]

There was one in Science on here,which was inadvertent; it was in a serious discussion about the nature of light; 'the speed of dark' ! A good comment on some people ' Fast? He drives at the speed of dark !' [he's slow]

The entertainer, Dickie Henderson, greeted a late-comer with 'Hello.you're late Sir...' and was about to launch into rehearsed ad-libs at the expense of the late arrival when the ,man replied 'If I'd known you were on, I wouldn't have come at all ' Beat that for a crushing put-down!

[Postdog]

One said to me WAY back Valentinesday.

There was a girl on the train I fancied like mad, and eventually made a move.

"Do you know, If I'd have known you'd be on this train I'd have brought a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates" Quick as a flash she answered "Do you know if I'd have known YOU were going to be on the train I'd have funking walked!"

[marval]

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. (Spike Milligan