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Husband and his 'emotional affair'
20 Answers
I'm sorry this is so long. Just wondered if anyone else has been through this and how they dealt with it?
My husband came back from an evening out on Sat night, bit drunk, left his phone next to our bed while he went to the bathroom, unlocked with a message stream open which I couldn't help but notice. It was from a woman unknown to me, who he'd been texting of late. The last entry said something like "wish I was with you instead of here". Scrolling up, there was a very lengthy conversation which included some truly hurtful comments he had made about me, pictures of him naked, and all sorts of explicit conversation. So as soon as he walked in the room I confronted him. He said "I don't know why" to most of my questions but said she lived in Ireland so he had only been chatting to her over the internet and they had only been doing this for about a week, and he'd never meet up with her etc etc. I did my homework and found he'd started talking to her a few months before, and there was some obvious flirting for a few weeks prior, and rather than a random stranger, he knew her through friends who shared the same hobby/pursuit. She did live in Ireland, married with two kids, and as my husband may have to go over there on business soon, he had suggested they meet up - so no prizes for guessing what would have happened then. He has cut contact with her, closed his social networking accounts and basically said he did not want to throw our marriage away. He is very clearly sh*tting himself, and has been behaving like the model husband and father, including phone and computer off (he would normally spend long periods of time on his PC and his phone would be beeping every 5 minutes).
Last year a female friend sent him a text late at night, I handed him the phone, didn't ask who it was. Cont'd...
My husband came back from an evening out on Sat night, bit drunk, left his phone next to our bed while he went to the bathroom, unlocked with a message stream open which I couldn't help but notice. It was from a woman unknown to me, who he'd been texting of late. The last entry said something like "wish I was with you instead of here". Scrolling up, there was a very lengthy conversation which included some truly hurtful comments he had made about me, pictures of him naked, and all sorts of explicit conversation. So as soon as he walked in the room I confronted him. He said "I don't know why" to most of my questions but said she lived in Ireland so he had only been chatting to her over the internet and they had only been doing this for about a week, and he'd never meet up with her etc etc. I did my homework and found he'd started talking to her a few months before, and there was some obvious flirting for a few weeks prior, and rather than a random stranger, he knew her through friends who shared the same hobby/pursuit. She did live in Ireland, married with two kids, and as my husband may have to go over there on business soon, he had suggested they meet up - so no prizes for guessing what would have happened then. He has cut contact with her, closed his social networking accounts and basically said he did not want to throw our marriage away. He is very clearly sh*tting himself, and has been behaving like the model husband and father, including phone and computer off (he would normally spend long periods of time on his PC and his phone would be beeping every 5 minutes).
Last year a female friend sent him a text late at night, I handed him the phone, didn't ask who it was. Cont'd...
Answers
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I really feel for you, especially in your current state.
11:17 Tue 07th Sep 2010
...He didn't know I'd seen it, as he volunteered "it's just my mate Paul". Suspicious, I checked her out and found she was an old friend (of his and his sister) who worked near him and he'd met her for lunch at least once. I decided not to pursue this, and I didn't see any further messages from her. At the time I thought perhaps she dated him back then, and he thought I wouldn't approve of meeting/talking with her. I was annoyed but eventually let it go. After this recent event I confronted him about this and he says she was just an old pal and nothing more; at my request has cut contact with her as well, as I really don't know what to believe anymore.
I didn't sleep at all that night and in the early hours got dressed and was contemplating leaving. We've been together for 10 years, I'm pregnant and have a young daughter, so I decided to stay as I couldn't leave her - she is very much a Daddy's girl and has just started school, and I didn't want to unsettle her, after all this isn't her fault. At the moment I just feel dead inside, I'm not sure if it's shock or what - I'm just going through the motions and trying to carry on for the sake of my daughter and not to get too stressed in case it affects my pregnancy. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel. I've told him I don't trust him whatsoever, don't believe that he's not been texting (or meeting) other women, I just feel totally betrayed, stupid and naive because I always thought this would never happen to me.
I didn't sleep at all that night and in the early hours got dressed and was contemplating leaving. We've been together for 10 years, I'm pregnant and have a young daughter, so I decided to stay as I couldn't leave her - she is very much a Daddy's girl and has just started school, and I didn't want to unsettle her, after all this isn't her fault. At the moment I just feel dead inside, I'm not sure if it's shock or what - I'm just going through the motions and trying to carry on for the sake of my daughter and not to get too stressed in case it affects my pregnancy. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel. I've told him I don't trust him whatsoever, don't believe that he's not been texting (or meeting) other women, I just feel totally betrayed, stupid and naive because I always thought this would never happen to me.
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I really feel for you, especially in your current state.
Sadly, modern technology has increased the ability and of course numbers, of people who 'cyber-cheat', and as you point out, the fact that 'nothing has happened yet' does not alter the fact that systems were in place for that last step to be taken.
You need to have a serious talk with your husband about his future, and yours, and yours as a couple, if there is one.
If he decides to stay, then you need to seriously make him suffer for this - he dserves it, and you deserve to return some of the pain he has inflicted.
That said - he cannot pay for ever and a day, and there will have to be a time when you both put this behind you, and move on, and that means no bringing it up in a row, or constant fretting from you. If you cannot move on, then your marriage os over - but that is for the future.
For now, take it day to day, and concentrate on you and your children - and let him feel as guilty as possible.
When you feel yourself healing - if indeed you do - will be the time to talk over what has happened and where you both go from here.
For now, try to stay focused on baby, and park this whole sorry business until you can deal with it properly.
If you need support, there are loads of people on here to look after you - technology does have its good side as well!
Thinking of you.
A x
Sadly, modern technology has increased the ability and of course numbers, of people who 'cyber-cheat', and as you point out, the fact that 'nothing has happened yet' does not alter the fact that systems were in place for that last step to be taken.
You need to have a serious talk with your husband about his future, and yours, and yours as a couple, if there is one.
If he decides to stay, then you need to seriously make him suffer for this - he dserves it, and you deserve to return some of the pain he has inflicted.
That said - he cannot pay for ever and a day, and there will have to be a time when you both put this behind you, and move on, and that means no bringing it up in a row, or constant fretting from you. If you cannot move on, then your marriage os over - but that is for the future.
For now, take it day to day, and concentrate on you and your children - and let him feel as guilty as possible.
When you feel yourself healing - if indeed you do - will be the time to talk over what has happened and where you both go from here.
For now, try to stay focused on baby, and park this whole sorry business until you can deal with it properly.
If you need support, there are loads of people on here to look after you - technology does have its good side as well!
Thinking of you.
A x
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Thankyou for your replies, in particular Andy I think you have really hit the nail on the head, with regard to making him pay, but not forever - forgive and forget is something I have always struggled to do and the whole trust issue. Doesn't matter how much you love someone, if you can't trust them ever again, then what? That is something I have to try and deal with.
Vibra - I didn't want to post under my usual name, for obvious reasons. I've not told anyone what's going on in my marriage and at present want it to remain that way; call me paranoid. That's why I like Answerbank, there is anonymity and to get perspective, answers and opinions from strangers not involved in your own world helps a great deal sometimes.
As for asking him to leave - I would always be the one to leave - I can think of nothing worse than being stuck in a house with all those memories and attachments. I'd rather have a clean break if it came to that. I did tell him that if it were not for my daughter, I would have walked out that night.
Vibra - I didn't want to post under my usual name, for obvious reasons. I've not told anyone what's going on in my marriage and at present want it to remain that way; call me paranoid. That's why I like Answerbank, there is anonymity and to get perspective, answers and opinions from strangers not involved in your own world helps a great deal sometimes.
As for asking him to leave - I would always be the one to leave - I can think of nothing worse than being stuck in a house with all those memories and attachments. I'd rather have a clean break if it came to that. I did tell him that if it were not for my daughter, I would have walked out that night.
The sadest thing is the complete destuction of trust. It never totally comes back. Even if he has changed just the slightest thing came make you doubt him and is not a nice way to live. However dont make any hasty decisions. Marriages can survive affairs but it is hard work and both parties have to want it. Sadly tho some people re just rottwrs and never change so you have a lot of thinking and talking to do. Good luck I hope all works at as you want it.
Thanks chaps. You gave me my second laugh of the day, so cheers for that, I went home in a much better mood as a result :)
Thankyou Brin, I know, this isn't going to be over with in 5 minutes, it's going to take a long time to deal with, whatever the eventual outcome. Trust is such a hurdle that I may never be able to overcome. At least at the moment we are talking about what has happened and trying to deal with it as adults, and not letting it upset our daughter's life. Very painful, tiring and prolonged, but necessary.
Thankyou Brin, I know, this isn't going to be over with in 5 minutes, it's going to take a long time to deal with, whatever the eventual outcome. Trust is such a hurdle that I may never be able to overcome. At least at the moment we are talking about what has happened and trying to deal with it as adults, and not letting it upset our daughter's life. Very painful, tiring and prolonged, but necessary.
I really feel for you hun and hope you can work this out together. I haven't been through this but my advice would be to keep on talking about what's happened, maybe send your daughter out to stay at grandparents for the night so you can talk with no interruptions and get it sorted. You need to find out why he chose to do this and what you both want to happen now. You both need to be completely truthful, him especially. I am certainly not making excuses for him but apparently people who cheat do so because something is missing in their relationship. If you can find out whats wrong in yours then you can learn from it and move on if you choose to do so. Like you say your daughter is going to be affected massively if you do decide it's over and only you can decide if you can live with what your husband has done. Good luck and let us know how you get on.
Thankyou Tigwig. Last week went okay, I was completely demotivated at work but obviously my mind was wandering quite a bit during the day. We've talked about it, we've written long letters to each other which in a way makes it easier to say things that are difficult to say. We're trying to work through it and be a family, and concentrate on that, and for his part he has voluntarily made changes that I had not asked him to do, to appease the situation and to spend proper, uninterrupted time with us as a family. At the moment I have my husband back, which has made us both realise that for a long time now we've been drifting apart for various reasons - both equally to blame. However I still don't trust him and this week I've had a bit of a wobble, and have been quite depressed about the whole thing. I think rollercoaster is a good word to summarise my feelings at the moment.
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