ChatterBank1 min ago
advice on inlaws
15 Answers
my in laws don't like me and over the past year after years of taking their bad treatment towards me i stood up for myself which really made them angry. i am the only person they don't buy a birthday present for etc so they make it obvious how much they don't like me. but after standing up for myself it has made things tense between my partner and i although i can understand her being angry at me i can't back down like she wants me to otherwise her parents and sister will just see that as they can walk all over me and just carry on treating me bad. i was advised by both my doctor and mental health nurse to stay away from the in laws as they was making my mental illness worse. so i have told my partner this and said i would not stop her visiting them whenever she wants but i would not go with her but she won't do this as she hasnt the confidence to drive over 200 miles to visit them and the train costs too much . so basically she is blaming me saying i'm cutting her off from her family. thing is she won't allow me to tell them i do not want to visit them or them to stay here anymore but she won't tell them either everytime they ask when are we going to visit them she makes excuses.i'm dreading it when they ring to say they are visiting us and they want to know why they can't. what can i do?
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Make it quite clear that their behaviour to you is not on. Tell her you will not put up with it anymore. Tell her either she speaks to them or you will. They need to know that you are not going to tolerate it any longer. She should be supporting you now, not them. Make it clear that your marriage is in trouble, and only you two can put it right.
Net there is a soloution you drive her there and then come back and do it again when she comes home, if of course you can drive 400 miles.
I have to ask, given your situation, why does she blame you?
I had a similar situation with my Mother in law, she was so bad my daughters didn't want to visit her, I would drive my wife there and then drive home and go and pick her up, but it wasn't 200 miles.
I have to ask, given your situation, why does she blame you?
I had a similar situation with my Mother in law, she was so bad my daughters didn't want to visit her, I would drive my wife there and then drive home and go and pick her up, but it wasn't 200 miles.
As far as i concerned, in a long-term relationship, the order of support is partner - children - parents - in-laws, and it's in that order.
Your partner should be backing you in sorting out your in-laws. I had the same situation when I started seeing the present Mrs Hughes - my mother and sistters took against her as a divorcee, a catholic, and a mnother of two children. Now, as we appraoch our twenty-fifth wedding aniversary, that rift has only been papered over, my sisters and i are not in touch, my mother is 'formal' with me.
I made my choide - to be with twhe woman i want to grow old and bring up children with - if my family can't accept that, then they lose - not easy, but it has to be done.
You should talk to your oartner seriously about her loyalties.
Your partner should be backing you in sorting out your in-laws. I had the same situation when I started seeing the present Mrs Hughes - my mother and sistters took against her as a divorcee, a catholic, and a mnother of two children. Now, as we appraoch our twenty-fifth wedding aniversary, that rift has only been papered over, my sisters and i are not in touch, my mother is 'formal' with me.
I made my choide - to be with twhe woman i want to grow old and bring up children with - if my family can't accept that, then they lose - not easy, but it has to be done.
You should talk to your oartner seriously about her loyalties.
thankyou all for your very helpful advice. the mother in law doesn't like me because of several reasons. i am gay although her daughter was gay before i met her so she can't blame me for "turning" her daughter gay. and then her daughter moved away from their town to live with me which ruffled their feathers. i must add that they treat my partner like dirt aswell as me where as her younger sister is treated alot better. they spent ten thousand pound on her sisters wedding but when we had a civil partnership a few years ago they paid for one night in a hotel costing just over a hundred pounds for us and even that my partner had to beg for. yet apparently they had put away ten thousand pounds for each daughter for when they got married. and her mum is always saying how much the other sister helps and how she is leaving her all the shares lol like we care. there are too many awful hurtful things her parents and sister have said or done to list here.
i agree your partner should come first . but i heard my partner telling her mum on the phone she is in the middle of it because she loves me and them . but there should be no sitting in the middle i am her partner she should be supporting me not resenting me.telling me i should back down. she said the other week sometimes you have to do things you don't like for your partner. meaning for me to visit them with her. i didn't answer her as i didn't want another row. she told our relationship thearpist that if she told her parents i wanted a apology they would have no contact with her ever again but to me that just shows them for what they are.
i agree your partner should come first . but i heard my partner telling her mum on the phone she is in the middle of it because she loves me and them . but there should be no sitting in the middle i am her partner she should be supporting me not resenting me.telling me i should back down. she said the other week sometimes you have to do things you don't like for your partner. meaning for me to visit them with her. i didn't answer her as i didn't want another row. she told our relationship thearpist that if she told her parents i wanted a apology they would have no contact with her ever again but to me that just shows them for what they are.
It sounds like your partner's parents are emotional controllers.
If you have grown up in a household like this it is very hard to break away, because it feels 'natural' because it is all your partner has ever known.
But as an adult, she has to be a partner first and a 'child' second because that's the way the adult world works.
If her parents are resentful of you, either for your sexuality, or your place in their daughter's life, that is for them to come to terms with - and your partner should realise that playing both sides against the middle please no-one.
She must make a stand, and if her parents abandon her, then that shows that they only want her on their temrs.
She is an adult woman, and the sooner they accept that, and treat her accordingly, the better all round. Maybe a period away from them will make them see sense, bvut she needs to be less caring of their feelings, and more caring of yours - they have to move into a new more distant relationship with her as her parents - you are there for life.
It's about priorities.
If you have grown up in a household like this it is very hard to break away, because it feels 'natural' because it is all your partner has ever known.
But as an adult, she has to be a partner first and a 'child' second because that's the way the adult world works.
If her parents are resentful of you, either for your sexuality, or your place in their daughter's life, that is for them to come to terms with - and your partner should realise that playing both sides against the middle please no-one.
She must make a stand, and if her parents abandon her, then that shows that they only want her on their temrs.
She is an adult woman, and the sooner they accept that, and treat her accordingly, the better all round. Maybe a period away from them will make them see sense, bvut she needs to be less caring of their feelings, and more caring of yours - they have to move into a new more distant relationship with her as her parents - you are there for life.
It's about priorities.
Can't be arsed to read all the replies so far but from your initial post your partner seems to need to mature a little. Your two are not the only relationship where the partner is not approved of by the parents. If you both really have the others welfare at heart then the need to stay away should be accepted. It is the sensible thing to do. As for the train costing too much, how do you normally get there ? Petrol/diesel is hardly free. Your partner could go less often by train.
But sorry this is not an answer you can implement, it is one your partner needs to accept. What would she do otherwise ? Is she going to break up your relationship just because she can not get her own way ? If so maybe it isn't as strong as you hoped.
But it does occur to me that maybe there is more to this than was posted. Are there reasons folks taking the positions they are ? Especially your partner.
But sorry this is not an answer you can implement, it is one your partner needs to accept. What would she do otherwise ? Is she going to break up your relationship just because she can not get her own way ? If so maybe it isn't as strong as you hoped.
But it does occur to me that maybe there is more to this than was posted. Are there reasons folks taking the positions they are ? Especially your partner.
no i can't see any sensible reason they are like this. petrol costs about £80 to go there and back the train about £150 one way i tried looking on interner for the cheapest fare. i suggested her going by coach but she said it takes about 10 /12 hours to get there. i tried again discussing it last night she says i'm hurting her but i won't be guilt tripped i know this sounds childish but i'm afraid to me it's a case of them or me it's her choice .
net, I'm sorry to say this but it sounds to me, as an outsider, as if your partner is in some way trying to keep "in" with her parents because she upset them in announcing her sexuality, and she needs to keep showing them that she's still their daughter. Shout me down if I am wrong but I feel that she's is on a guilt trip and wants to keep all of you happy - which is just not possible.
She knows your clinical condition and that you need to keep toxic people out of your life - she has to accept this as part of you as her other half, hard though it may be.
If she won't and she insists that you drive her to her parents - which is selfish in itself - then you don't have to see them, book yourself into a B&B and stay elsewhere.
I'm afraid that she has to grit her teeth with the 10-hour coach journey otherwise -we have to do it when we visit my MIL in Scotland, it's not the end of the world.
I feel some sympathy for her, being piggy in the middle, with manipulative parents, but she is an adult woman and has to made a stand. It may be that she has to choose. If they want to visit you - go away for the weekend. It may look rude, but you've nothing to lose, if you are to keep well.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but you have to put your foot down, your own health has to come first.
She knows your clinical condition and that you need to keep toxic people out of your life - she has to accept this as part of you as her other half, hard though it may be.
If she won't and she insists that you drive her to her parents - which is selfish in itself - then you don't have to see them, book yourself into a B&B and stay elsewhere.
I'm afraid that she has to grit her teeth with the 10-hour coach journey otherwise -we have to do it when we visit my MIL in Scotland, it's not the end of the world.
I feel some sympathy for her, being piggy in the middle, with manipulative parents, but she is an adult woman and has to made a stand. It may be that she has to choose. If they want to visit you - go away for the weekend. It may look rude, but you've nothing to lose, if you are to keep well.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but you have to put your foot down, your own health has to come first.
If their intent is on driving a wedge between you and your partner, they seem to be doing a good job.
Also, if she is not taking up the offer of a lift then I think she doesn't want to see them as much as she says she does. She's torn between you and them and is taking it out on you which is extremely unfair.
Also, if she is not taking up the offer of a lift then I think she doesn't want to see them as much as she says she does. She's torn between you and them and is taking it out on you which is extremely unfair.
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