Some more one (or two) liners.

[starone]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


I spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.


What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.


An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks, "Have you ever been bedridden?"
She says, "Yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too".


Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?


A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said, "You're obviously not listening".


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Hi I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

[NOX]

Star those are brilliant- hadn't heard one before:)

[marval]

Have heard some before, still makes me chuckle though.