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The Answerbank Radio Show - Episode 4
105 Answers
In the village of Answerbank Under the Wold (twinned with Fray Bentos, Argentina), Doctor Sqad was in his surgery idly flicking through a Janet Reger lingerie catalogue, cunningly concealed within a copy of the British Medical Journal. Saturday mornings were usually quiet so he was surprised when his receptionist Dee-Sa informed him the waiting room was full. For a long 3 hours he endured a steady stream of patients with a range of ailments ranging from Cake Retention Syndrome (Mrs Boo), nettle rash of the nether regions (Tonyav the plumber) and what seemed to be a mysterious plague of boils afflicting several of the villagers who, coincidentally, had all attended the free drinks and nibbles nights at the Body & Soul Holistic Centre and Owl Sanctuary.
Over in the shop cum post office, the proprietor Ms Craft was looking suspiciously at China Doll. Drawing herself up to her full height of 4'2" she said
"I know you claim you are my daughter but several things aint right. For starters, you have a different name,different colour eyes & hair, a different accent and you are a foot taller than my daughter, who, incidentally, is a missionary in Papua New Guinea."
China Doll laughed. "Oh mum, have you never heard of deed polls, hair dye, contact lenses and elecution lessons? And I lied about being a missionary. I ran away to join the circus and all that dangling from a trapeze made me grow."
"I need to think about this" said Ms Craft. "You can't stay here, take a room over in the Quizzes & Puzzles Arms and I'll see you in there tonight."
That Saturday night, the village pub was unusually crowded. Mick Talbot the handyman had been sacked from his role as pub quizmaster when it dawned on the villagers that he had been using the same quiz for 4 weeks in a row. A new quizmaster, Mr Excelsior had been poached from the Phrases and Sayings Inn over in Sportsanswerbank-In-The Marsh (twinned with Sodam & Gomorrah). Ms Gness the barmaid was rushed off her feet and had enlisted the help of her friend Ms Jan57. The room fell quiet at the entrance of Lady Alex and Lady Janine, the sisters of the local squire.
"A jug of Pimms with all the fruit included please, my good woman" said Lady Janine.
"This is a pub, not a bloody greengrocers" muttered Ms Gness and banged down two bottles of Newcastle Brown in front of them. The sisters retired to a table in the corner, leaving a faint smell of mothballs and wet dog in their wake.
After much grumbling over who was allowed to be in whose team, the villagers settled down with pens poised expectantly.
"Question One" shouted Mr Excelsior over the din. "Name the bodies largest organ."
"Is that in the body or of the body?" slurred Ms Alba, the villages secret alcoholic.
"Does it matter?" asked Mr Excelsior, who was used to his questions being greeted with blank looks from the customers of the Phrases & Sayings Inn. "It's all the same."
"Of course it's not" shouted Ms TTFN who was trying to concentrate and at the same time keep an eye on the seedy Mr Moonraker, the village stalker, who was edging ever closer to her.
"Question Two. Who had a hit in the 1980's with the song "The Power of Love?"
"Hang on" shouted a voice from the table of lap-dancers, who were having a rare night off. "There is more than one answer to that one."
Mr Excelsior developed a nervous tic and took a large gulp of his Buckfast tonic wine. The quiz continued with every question being challenged, and the mood of the villagers darkening by the second. By Question 17, Mr Excelsior was so drunk he was incoherent and then slid under a table where he was promptly and thoroughly mauled by Mr Ratter's minature Yorkshire terrier, Frou Frou.
"I know what we could do" shouted Ms Vodkacoke, who was currently out on bail. "Mrs Overall is away, her cleaner Ms Mazie has gone with her and it's dead easy to get to her outdoor swimming pool. We could gatecrash and have a party."
......continued below.....
Over in the shop cum post office, the proprietor Ms Craft was looking suspiciously at China Doll. Drawing herself up to her full height of 4'2" she said
"I know you claim you are my daughter but several things aint right. For starters, you have a different name,different colour eyes & hair, a different accent and you are a foot taller than my daughter, who, incidentally, is a missionary in Papua New Guinea."
China Doll laughed. "Oh mum, have you never heard of deed polls, hair dye, contact lenses and elecution lessons? And I lied about being a missionary. I ran away to join the circus and all that dangling from a trapeze made me grow."
"I need to think about this" said Ms Craft. "You can't stay here, take a room over in the Quizzes & Puzzles Arms and I'll see you in there tonight."
That Saturday night, the village pub was unusually crowded. Mick Talbot the handyman had been sacked from his role as pub quizmaster when it dawned on the villagers that he had been using the same quiz for 4 weeks in a row. A new quizmaster, Mr Excelsior had been poached from the Phrases and Sayings Inn over in Sportsanswerbank-In-The Marsh (twinned with Sodam & Gomorrah). Ms Gness the barmaid was rushed off her feet and had enlisted the help of her friend Ms Jan57. The room fell quiet at the entrance of Lady Alex and Lady Janine, the sisters of the local squire.
"A jug of Pimms with all the fruit included please, my good woman" said Lady Janine.
"This is a pub, not a bloody greengrocers" muttered Ms Gness and banged down two bottles of Newcastle Brown in front of them. The sisters retired to a table in the corner, leaving a faint smell of mothballs and wet dog in their wake.
After much grumbling over who was allowed to be in whose team, the villagers settled down with pens poised expectantly.
"Question One" shouted Mr Excelsior over the din. "Name the bodies largest organ."
"Is that in the body or of the body?" slurred Ms Alba, the villages secret alcoholic.
"Does it matter?" asked Mr Excelsior, who was used to his questions being greeted with blank looks from the customers of the Phrases & Sayings Inn. "It's all the same."
"Of course it's not" shouted Ms TTFN who was trying to concentrate and at the same time keep an eye on the seedy Mr Moonraker, the village stalker, who was edging ever closer to her.
"Question Two. Who had a hit in the 1980's with the song "The Power of Love?"
"Hang on" shouted a voice from the table of lap-dancers, who were having a rare night off. "There is more than one answer to that one."
Mr Excelsior developed a nervous tic and took a large gulp of his Buckfast tonic wine. The quiz continued with every question being challenged, and the mood of the villagers darkening by the second. By Question 17, Mr Excelsior was so drunk he was incoherent and then slid under a table where he was promptly and thoroughly mauled by Mr Ratter's minature Yorkshire terrier, Frou Frou.
"I know what we could do" shouted Ms Vodkacoke, who was currently out on bail. "Mrs Overall is away, her cleaner Ms Mazie has gone with her and it's dead easy to get to her outdoor swimming pool. We could gatecrash and have a party."
......continued below.....
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....continued...
"How can you think of doing that to such a lovely person" said SlinkyKate, the ex nun as she blocked the door.
Her cried were drowned out as the villagers trampled her en masse to get past her.
Ms Vodkacoke produced a set of boltcutters from her handbag and soon a party was in full swing around Mrs Overall's pool.
Unbeknownst to the errant villagers, their every move was being watched from the shadows
(cue theme music as episode ends)
"How can you think of doing that to such a lovely person" said SlinkyKate, the ex nun as she blocked the door.
Her cried were drowned out as the villagers trampled her en masse to get past her.
Ms Vodkacoke produced a set of boltcutters from her handbag and soon a party was in full swing around Mrs Overall's pool.
Unbeknownst to the errant villagers, their every move was being watched from the shadows
(cue theme music as episode ends)
