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The Answerbank Radio Show - Episode 6
103 Answers
In the village of Answerbank Under the Wold (twinned with Slaughterville, Oklahoma) the villagers were once again gathered in the Quizzes & Puzzles Arms as PC Andy Hughes addressed them.
"I warned you lot about your behaviour and now things have gone from bad to worse. I've anonymous reports of witchcraft, arson, an odd creature in the river and" he paused and consulted his notebook, "a guest staying here who was attacked by two Elizabethans. I don't know what is going on here but my superior, Sergeant Maggiebee is not happy, and neither am I." The villagers remained quiet.
"Another thing - Mrs Overall is away in London receiving an award from the Queen and when I checked her property it looks like a bomb has gone off around her pool. Any of you know anything about this?"
As one, the villagers shook their heads.
"What's the award?" asked Jan57, the pubs general drudge and potwasher.
"I think she's been made a Dame for her philanthropic deeds and services to wool" said PC Andy Hughes. "Right I'm off but I will be back once I've done some investigating."
In a corner of the room, Vodkancoke (still on bail and not yet convicted) was in a huddle with Alba the village alcoholic and Slinkykate the ex nun, who wanted to make up for lost time and live dangerously but didn't quite know how. "Listen up ladies, we had a close call there. That ChinaDoll didn't call the cops which makes me suspect even more that she is up to no good. She looks familiar too, but I can't put my finger on where I know her from. I'm going to get my mate Marval to come and give her the once over."
"Ooh, is that Marval the safecracker?" asked Slinkykate
"Shuddup" hissed Vodkancoke "Do you want everyone to hear?"
Just then the room fell silent as Ms Craft the shopkeepker cum postmistress walked in.
"Blimey, you've gone back to your normal height" cackled Ms AYG.
Ms Gness the barmaid silently slid a quadruple gin across the bar to Ms Craft.
Drawing herself up to her full height of 5 feet, Ms Craft addressed the room.
"Things have been revealed to me. If something bad happens to you, you can make amends by doing a good deed. Those of you suffering from a plague of boils should go to Mrs Overall's mansion and clean up the mess you made."
At this, half the pub sidled out of the room.
"Is this all witchcraft, Crafty?" whispered Ms TTFN
"Nah, I happen to know from Ms Maidup the cleaner that Mrs O is due back soon."
"What about your height? You went to see Rowanwitch. Did she cast a spell or make a potion for you?"
"Don't be daft. We had a chat over a cuppa. I didn't realise that doing my twinsets on a boil wash was shrinking them, and when I wore them they made me hunch over. Rowan said I looked like a cross between Richard III and Quasimodo."
Over in his bedsit, Tonyav the plumber surveyed himself in a mirror. Having had a rare bath, he had shunned his normal outfit of ratty tracksuit bottoms and a grubby wife-beater vest and was dressed in a suit. The suit had belonged to his father and had been out of fashion as far back as 1954. With a final spritz of Old Spice, Tony left the bedsit with a spring in his step as he headed towards the pub. Having been a member of the Desperado Dating Agency for some time, he had finally managed to secure a date. He was slightly concerned that his date might not recognise him as the photo he had submitted was of Brad Pitt, but he strode confidently along the high street.
Coming in the opposite direction was Tenrec the goatherd. Tenrec once had dreams of sailing the high seas and had signed up for a Boat Handling Course in the village hall. After a bewildering series of lectures, the short sighted Tenrec had emerged from the hall knowing nothing about sailing, but clutching a certificate stating "Qualified Goat Handler."
The billy goat caught a whiff of Old Spice and in a fit of unbridled lust charged towards Tony, attempted to mount him and knocked him into a steaming pile of goat dung.
...continued below..
"I warned you lot about your behaviour and now things have gone from bad to worse. I've anonymous reports of witchcraft, arson, an odd creature in the river and" he paused and consulted his notebook, "a guest staying here who was attacked by two Elizabethans. I don't know what is going on here but my superior, Sergeant Maggiebee is not happy, and neither am I." The villagers remained quiet.
"Another thing - Mrs Overall is away in London receiving an award from the Queen and when I checked her property it looks like a bomb has gone off around her pool. Any of you know anything about this?"
As one, the villagers shook their heads.
"What's the award?" asked Jan57, the pubs general drudge and potwasher.
"I think she's been made a Dame for her philanthropic deeds and services to wool" said PC Andy Hughes. "Right I'm off but I will be back once I've done some investigating."
In a corner of the room, Vodkancoke (still on bail and not yet convicted) was in a huddle with Alba the village alcoholic and Slinkykate the ex nun, who wanted to make up for lost time and live dangerously but didn't quite know how. "Listen up ladies, we had a close call there. That ChinaDoll didn't call the cops which makes me suspect even more that she is up to no good. She looks familiar too, but I can't put my finger on where I know her from. I'm going to get my mate Marval to come and give her the once over."
"Ooh, is that Marval the safecracker?" asked Slinkykate
"Shuddup" hissed Vodkancoke "Do you want everyone to hear?"
Just then the room fell silent as Ms Craft the shopkeepker cum postmistress walked in.
"Blimey, you've gone back to your normal height" cackled Ms AYG.
Ms Gness the barmaid silently slid a quadruple gin across the bar to Ms Craft.
Drawing herself up to her full height of 5 feet, Ms Craft addressed the room.
"Things have been revealed to me. If something bad happens to you, you can make amends by doing a good deed. Those of you suffering from a plague of boils should go to Mrs Overall's mansion and clean up the mess you made."
At this, half the pub sidled out of the room.
"Is this all witchcraft, Crafty?" whispered Ms TTFN
"Nah, I happen to know from Ms Maidup the cleaner that Mrs O is due back soon."
"What about your height? You went to see Rowanwitch. Did she cast a spell or make a potion for you?"
"Don't be daft. We had a chat over a cuppa. I didn't realise that doing my twinsets on a boil wash was shrinking them, and when I wore them they made me hunch over. Rowan said I looked like a cross between Richard III and Quasimodo."
Over in his bedsit, Tonyav the plumber surveyed himself in a mirror. Having had a rare bath, he had shunned his normal outfit of ratty tracksuit bottoms and a grubby wife-beater vest and was dressed in a suit. The suit had belonged to his father and had been out of fashion as far back as 1954. With a final spritz of Old Spice, Tony left the bedsit with a spring in his step as he headed towards the pub. Having been a member of the Desperado Dating Agency for some time, he had finally managed to secure a date. He was slightly concerned that his date might not recognise him as the photo he had submitted was of Brad Pitt, but he strode confidently along the high street.
Coming in the opposite direction was Tenrec the goatherd. Tenrec once had dreams of sailing the high seas and had signed up for a Boat Handling Course in the village hall. After a bewildering series of lectures, the short sighted Tenrec had emerged from the hall knowing nothing about sailing, but clutching a certificate stating "Qualified Goat Handler."
The billy goat caught a whiff of Old Spice and in a fit of unbridled lust charged towards Tony, attempted to mount him and knocked him into a steaming pile of goat dung.
...continued below..
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...continued...
Over in the pub, Tony's blind date walked nervously into the bar. She was worried Tony would not recognise her as the photo she had submitted was one of Cheryl Cole.
"Oh my God, look who it is" whispered Ms Gness the barmaid to Ms Jan57.
"I know her, she's dead famous. It's Ms Murraymints, the world female wrestling champion of 1985"
(cue theme music as episode ends)
Over in the pub, Tony's blind date walked nervously into the bar. She was worried Tony would not recognise her as the photo she had submitted was one of Cheryl Cole.
"Oh my God, look who it is" whispered Ms Gness the barmaid to Ms Jan57.
"I know her, she's dead famous. It's Ms Murraymints, the world female wrestling champion of 1985"
(cue theme music as episode ends)
-- answer removed --
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