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Am i letting this bother me too much?...
8 Answers
My 6 yr old son's dad has been seeing him regularly since we split over 3 yrs ago.
But he can be a bit unreliable and when he has our son it has to work around his social life but generally he has little guy a couple of hours one evening midweek and one night at the weekend overnight but not for any great spell as he picks him up at 6 or 7pm and brings him back anytime between 9am or 12 noon the next day and whether it is fri or sat changes from week to week depending on the rest of ex's weekend plans.
For the past 12months he has been working abroad a lot. the longest stint was when he was away for 3 months came back for less than a week then went again for another 2 months.
I'm fine with this myself as i know what happening at the weekends and i don't have to work things around the ex and i don't have to listen to his excuses when he lets little guy down or changes arrangements at last minute.
Unfortunately my son adores him so much and misses seeing him.
my issue at the moment is that my son seems to be coming even lower on his list of priorities these days. the ex is just back for a couple of weeks this time and doesn't seem too bothered about spending any great amount of time with him such as this weekend where he is just going to spare him a few hrs tomorrow afternoon between nights out.
also we seem to be the last ones to hear when he gets back in town.
When he came back in the middle of his long stint away I unfortunately spotted him on a mutual friends facebook enjoying a saturday night out in town with friends . I left it to him to contact us which he did eventually a few days later. he saw our son for 2 hrs on two evenings then went away again.
And more recently i spotted him driving in town in a works vehicle after he'd been away for a few weeks. i texted him and his reply made it sound like he was going to leave it as long as possible or not contact us at all because he was going away again fairly soon. I just thank god that my son isn't the one spotting him when this happens.
It bothers me that he doesn't consider our 6yr old feelings more. it bothers me that my son feels more for him than he deserves and it's not a mutual thing. and it bothers me that i'm still wasting my time with negative thoughts about my ex.
my partner is of the opinion that i should just go with the flow and if the ex doesn't bother very much with his son then so be it and that he is okay and happy with us anyway and just let the ex get on with it.
But he can be a bit unreliable and when he has our son it has to work around his social life but generally he has little guy a couple of hours one evening midweek and one night at the weekend overnight but not for any great spell as he picks him up at 6 or 7pm and brings him back anytime between 9am or 12 noon the next day and whether it is fri or sat changes from week to week depending on the rest of ex's weekend plans.
For the past 12months he has been working abroad a lot. the longest stint was when he was away for 3 months came back for less than a week then went again for another 2 months.
I'm fine with this myself as i know what happening at the weekends and i don't have to work things around the ex and i don't have to listen to his excuses when he lets little guy down or changes arrangements at last minute.
Unfortunately my son adores him so much and misses seeing him.
my issue at the moment is that my son seems to be coming even lower on his list of priorities these days. the ex is just back for a couple of weeks this time and doesn't seem too bothered about spending any great amount of time with him such as this weekend where he is just going to spare him a few hrs tomorrow afternoon between nights out.
also we seem to be the last ones to hear when he gets back in town.
When he came back in the middle of his long stint away I unfortunately spotted him on a mutual friends facebook enjoying a saturday night out in town with friends . I left it to him to contact us which he did eventually a few days later. he saw our son for 2 hrs on two evenings then went away again.
And more recently i spotted him driving in town in a works vehicle after he'd been away for a few weeks. i texted him and his reply made it sound like he was going to leave it as long as possible or not contact us at all because he was going away again fairly soon. I just thank god that my son isn't the one spotting him when this happens.
It bothers me that he doesn't consider our 6yr old feelings more. it bothers me that my son feels more for him than he deserves and it's not a mutual thing. and it bothers me that i'm still wasting my time with negative thoughts about my ex.
my partner is of the opinion that i should just go with the flow and if the ex doesn't bother very much with his son then so be it and that he is okay and happy with us anyway and just let the ex get on with it.
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ps i try to put myself in his shoes and i know he has friends and/or a partner that he wants to spend time with when he's home for short spells but all I can think is that the first place i would want to go when i arrived back is to see my son. ..and then everything else would come after that but maybe that's just me. :O(
It rather sounds to me that his Dad has moved on somewhat, maybe not truly in a nasty way but not understanding how this little chap feels and adores him.
What about Skype or phone calls to keep in touch when Dad is away? Have you told him how the boy feels??
As ttfn says, you are not makng too much of it - you want your boy happy.
What about Skype or phone calls to keep in touch when Dad is away? Have you told him how the boy feels??
As ttfn says, you are not makng too much of it - you want your boy happy.
-- answer removed --
you can't be responsible for your ex's behaviour and you won't be able to change it either (without risking damaging your relationship with him and possibly with your son). Its not easy but I think I agree with your partner, the two of you can make your son feel loved and wanted and be available for allowing the ex to be part of his songs life without having to be in charge of arranging it / ensuring it happens.
Good luck
Good luck
I agree with your partner. As your son gets older he may begin to view his father differently because of this but that has to be your sons experience without any involvment from you, (otherwise you're likely to come off the bad guy). Also, your ex might change in time too. Just concentrate on your relationship with your son and partner, that's the most important thing.
Totally agree with your partner. I have been in very similar situation, and myon used to get very upset - sometimes he wouldnt hear from his dad for 6 months, he would cancel visits with just 5 minutes notice and I would be left to pick up the pieces with a sobbing child. Now son is older he has wised up, and if he hears from his dad then great, if he doesnt then he knows that is his dads choice. But I do sympathise x
Ah thanks everyone for your words advice. It really helps to clarify things for me.
To add insult to injury the ex didn't even turn up to have little guy for the few hours yesterday afternoon with no call or text to let me know- just didn't show. :o( My son missed out on seeing his gran and grandad because of it too and then kept asking me later why he didn't come. :O(
The way i see it is now my ex is going down a path where his son isn't an important part of his life regardless of how his son feels about him and in the not too distant future when our son is a little older he will see things for how they are and won't rely on him and expect too much from him(i learnt this myself too when we was in our relationship) and this won't upset him anymore.
To add insult to injury the ex didn't even turn up to have little guy for the few hours yesterday afternoon with no call or text to let me know- just didn't show. :o( My son missed out on seeing his gran and grandad because of it too and then kept asking me later why he didn't come. :O(
The way i see it is now my ex is going down a path where his son isn't an important part of his life regardless of how his son feels about him and in the not too distant future when our son is a little older he will see things for how they are and won't rely on him and expect too much from him(i learnt this myself too when we was in our relationship) and this won't upset him anymore.
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