The Man I Am Seeing Is A Cold Turkey

[locitane]

Hi everyone,

Could you please advise me ?

6 weeks ago I met an amazing men who is 43 and never been married. Every time a women had a conflict with him he became idle. He regrets he has lost a lots of quality women but felt, he is ready. He said he feels he will never hit the bottom with me. Well, he did.
I got jealous and shouted on him because he complimented some other woman. I got over it because it was some silly internet thing, but I was on and on about the fact we are meeting only during the weekends and that I want to be serious.

He said he has taken this seriously and i thanked him for pointing that out. the next day and day after he was very cold, but we talked a bit over the messages, normally.

We are meeting every friday, but last one he turned off his phone. I found him at his friend because he is doing me a favour for my business and had to ask him to stop promotion because of some problems . I asked if he is by a chance with him, because i need help with moving next day. He turned on his phone, called me and said he has plans with this friend next day, but he will call and i shall leave this with him. I said its fine if he is busy, but his voice was already very cold. I rather hunged up.

The next day he didnt call at all. I wrote him later on and I said I was sad and I wonder what is going on. He said i really upset him. He said he thought this thing between us could be something but I decided for him that he is not taking this seriously ( we are meeting only on the weekends and i demanded more - he is busy during the week and need some time for himself as well) and for this reason he feels i never understood him. He thought this could be something but now he feels dissapointed.

I apologised for disapointing him and almost loosing him, and he said we need to build a way back and make a peace , so I ( yes, I ) asked him to meet up in few days. I haven't meet him up yet because i want to give him a space after all tha ( I had a PMS and my messages were a bit drama as I was sorry for hurting him) - but I am not actually sure if i shall meet him. I question myself, if I can manage to resolve conflicts like this.

I think If i was as a man - his reaction is quite natural,as I was being insecure about where this is going after 6 weeks may be this is a bit unattractive , but I am afraid I cannot deal with a man that will go idle when I am angry or insecure or need his reassurance. I like the man very much in every other sense, he is inspiring,caring and kind and I have a respect for him.

I don't want to loose him, neither change him, we are all somehow weird, - I am just not sure if there is any fix to this situation - I want to make him feel safe enough not to get idle. I just dont know how ? I question if he even cares enough - he says yes, but his silence appears as NO to my female brain.

Many thanks for all your thoughts, I really appreciate it...

[Baldric]

Duplicate

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Family/Question1446144.html

[Ringlet]

You both seem unable to sustain adult relationships. Maybe some relationship counselling would help you both to prevent yourselves from falling into the same old traps of jealousy, insecurity and negative emotion.

[ummmm]

Sounds very immature on both sides.

[Quizmonkey]

Why do some people even bother to attempt relationships?! Very odd choice of word: idle.

[andy-hughes]

I suspect English is not your first language?

This man does not appear to be ready to commit to a relationship - and it appears neither are you.

Keep it casual, or move on.

[lcg]

i cannot understand most of your post because it is referencing things that are personal to you with not enough information, and the rest of it is just warbling on about nothing in particular - so it is very hard to follow. however, it is clear from your post that you both seem immature for grown adults and have issues in maintaining relationships. you also both seem to want different things. he clearly needs space and time for himself (and has spelled that out for you), and you sound quite clingy and needy, responding badly when he defends that need for down time. he may well be very busy and need time to rest and do things in his daily life that are essential (shopping, eating, washing etc. before just getting to bed at night!). i don't think this relationship will go the distance. you are already arguing and falling out about commitment, at such an early phase of a relationship, and he has admitted himself that he has not been ready for this kind of partnership until now (at 43 years of age!). i think you are asking him for things he cannot deliver and making your own mind up about what is going on without discussing it calmly and rationally with him and rowing about it instead. you have two choices - grow up a bit and talk about the issues and agree solutions to them - and sticking with them, without slinging all kinds of accusations at this chap; or deciding if all the problems now are too much and to cut your losses before you invest any more time in a relationship that seems very unstable and dramatic. love does not have to be such a pantomime, and if you are clingy, nagging and demanding, most blokes will run a mile! you need to decide whether it is worth it or not - we cannot advise you either way. but you sound like hard work, and i think you need to address some of your own behaviour before either taking it out on someone else, or expecting them to bend over backwards to please you. it is a two-way street, but you do not seem t recognise this.

[jourdain2]

I more or less echo lCG, but I give you credit for thinking about it so deeply.

Later relationships are hard and understanding your limitations in your ability to deal with his needs is very sensible.

I am the third wife of a man (the second died 22 years ago) but he still mourns her on some days (such as today, her death-day). I don't want to change him, or damage his love and respect for her. We both struggle with striking a balance. I love him/ he loves me - that is a 'gimme'. Don't know if this helps at all, I want him to feel safe too. My chosen course of action is just to be there for him and to push my needs away for the moment - we will discuss them at a more appropriate time.

You have my best wishes, my advice is to quit being a drama queen!

[locitane]

Thanks a lot to all of you. You made me seen things I havent seen. We have admitted this both sides after speaking and agreed on a more mature,
Better solution of how we will communicate these
Issues in the future. But it wouldn't happen without you all,
I wouldn't probably see my mistake. I am happy we both thought
About it deeper and were able to admit and address our issues.
If not for him, I learned a lesson for myself. Thanks a lot:)

[peeble]

Have you exchanged bodily fluids? As this could be important

[Bathsheba]

:o

xxx