I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

[tiggerblue10]

Apologies, this is going to be quite long-winded.....

Since we split up over 4 years ago my sons dad and I have mostly been on good terms although we still argue over many things. He runs an ironing service and his work is evening deliveries and pick ups usually from 7pm till any time after 10. My son goes to stay with him every other weekend - I live in Croydon, South London, and he lives near Southend-on-Sea.

He picks him up on a Friday night but often doesn't get here till gone 11pm so I wait up till gone 12am to check they have arrived at his safely. We have had many arguments over this arrangement given that our son is 8 years old and this has been going on since he was 4. I have asked him to come and pick him up after school so they have plenty of time to get home but he refuses to do so. On one occasion he didn't get to my house until gone 12am and I couldn't get through to him on his mobile till gone 2am to check they'd arrived because he was chatting to someone else! I was fuming.

Anyway, Little Tigs went to his dads last weekend and he brought him home on Sunday evening quite late. He had a week off work this week due to his ironers being on holiday at the same time so I asked him to stay Sunday night and we could take our son to school and pick him up after school together which he again refused and then drove back home. He said he would come up Friday (yesterday) to come and pick him up from school with me and would let me know by Thursday. I never got any calls and still haven't heard from him. He had the whole week to come up but never did.

Little Tigs has been going to the same school since he started Reception and his dad has never stepped foot in the school or met any of his teachers. He has never helped me through Little Tigs' autism diagnosis and never been there to support me with the problems we've had at school prior to the diagnosis paperwork being submitted. He gave me a load of questions to ask the teachers and the SENCO but was never there to help deal with the situation.

I've been asking him to help with home-learning as well but he refuses saying that he only has him every other weekend and just wants to do fun things with him which is understandable so I've been doing it all myself with some help from my mum.

I appreciate he lives miles away and accepted that he won't always be there to help me deal with the rough times but him not coming down on his week off has just pushed me to my limits. I would've taken Little Tigs to visit his dad by train as I don't like driving through London or on motorways but he said no to this as well.

I fell so much anger towards him at the moment and I wish I didn't.

Am I doing something wrong here? The travel distance between us is a huge factor and I understand that he doesn't always want to drive but refused Little Tigs and myself from getting the train to his. He lives with his mother who is on holiday in Cornwall for a few weeks so would've have been an ideal opportunity to visit.

[Old_Geezer]

Only hearing one side of the story, but from what I can read, the only thing you're doing wrong is trying to rely on an unreliable person. Best if you decided to say you aren't jumping to his random timetable but will rely on yourself.

I've no experience of your situation but I can't believe the authorities would approve of such late nights. Can they not enforce some ruling or arrange it so little tigs only travels at a reasonable hour ?

[tiggerblue10]

I wanted to refrain from any custody/court battles and we have remained on good terms for the most part.

I know that you'll only get one side of the story from me but all I can say is that I'm not making any of this up.

He says that because he works for a few hours in the evening he doesn't have to go to bed until around 3 or 4 in the morning and doesn't get up till gone 11. I would understand if he started work around lunch time and finished late but he does his deliveries from around 7 till 10-10.30 depending on his customers. He has lost customers due to lateness as well. He could leave around 5 or 6.

[pixie374]

I would forget the Friday night pick-up and arrange a time for the Saturday morning instead x

[Mamyalynne]

Taking your description of the situation as you've written it, you are to all intents a single parent - Dad only wants the fun and only when he can fit it into his schedule.

The main thing is - does young Tiggs enjoy his weekend? Is the late up on Friday night an adventure for him?

I doubt you'll change this man's ways now and for the sake of your son it may be a grin and bear it thing - of course if Tiggs Jr is unhappy,tired or fed up with it then you may have to rethink.

[rowanwitch]

I wonder if he has someone else in his life and doesn't want anything intruding in their time.
Do you think some form of mediation would help as I suspect discussions can get quite heated. I also wonder if he needs professional help coming to terms with his sons diagnosis, it would explain why he only wants to do fun stuff because he can pretend it's not real for a while.

[tiggerblue10]

We had that arrangement before, Pixie, but by the time he picked him up and took him it was 6 or 7 in the evening when he should've been ready for bed. This was when he was about 4. And then he would have to bring him home on the Sunday for school the next day. It didn't work.

[tiggerblue10]

He is sort of seeing someone, Rowan, but he says that he is not in a relationship therefore not committed to just this one person. He often brings her when they're picking little Tigs up on Fridays.

[tiggerblue10]

How does mediation work and who would I contact to set things in motion?

[tamborine]

Lil tigs will always need his dad, faults n all. Dont come between them & you just have to suck it up.

[tiggerblue10]

What makes you think I'm trying to come between them, Tamborine? This has been going on a long time and I have been sucking it up as you have put it.

Its this last week when he said he was coming to visit and go to the school but never called or turned up. He's not been working all week.

[tonyav]

rowanwitch I wonder if he has someone else in his life and doesn't want anything intruding in their time.

I suspect that Rowan is probably right, tigger. Has little tigs ever said anything about a woman being at dads house.

[tiggerblue10]

Like I said at 16.35 I know he is seeing someone. We haven't been together for a few years now so it's not an issue whether he's seeing someone or not.

He said he was coming to See Lil Tigs but didn't. Regardless of other women he needs to be there for his child. Lil Tigs was aware that his dad was supposed to be visiting and he asked me if he was going to come today when he didn't show up yesterday. I had to say no.

[tonyav]

Have you phoned him to ask why he hasn't turned up.

[tiggerblue10]

No, I haven't because of the state that I'm in and fear of what I will say. It's caused me a lot of stress and I'm exhausted.

[tonyav]

I can understand that, tiggs. Maybe give it a day or two then phone him to ask why he didn't turn up.

[tiggerblue10]

Yeah, maybe when I've calmed down but at them moment I feel quite emotional and have been since yesterday.

[pixie374]

I'm not surprised, tiggs. Is his dad just late and disorganised in general?

[tonyav]

I can understand your feelings, tigg's. He is being an ar*se and he should be more considerate to you and little tiggs.

[tiggerblue10]

Yes, very much so, Pixie, and I have accepted that over the years even though the rest of my family are against his actions.

[pixie374]

Is it more incompetence than deliberate? You can only speak to him when you are ready and make sure he knows the effect it has on your son. It isn't fair.