dinner time disagreement !! part 2

[Finance Guy]

As the Mrs had now walked off again, I chose to feed our son and took him to the kitchen and simply asked him what he wanted. He chose some lasagne and a yoghurt for afters. I prepared this and he fed himself, eating the lot very happily. I was quite pleased with myself until the Mrs came downstairs and gave me another lecture about undermining her, making a rod for my own back, our son will play her up in the future now, super nanny would castrate me, etc, etc. She did say more but my ears went into shut down shortly afterwards I'm sorry to say

Thats the basic background of this domestic situation for you (sorry if I went on a bit). In summary, what are peoples opinions please? Am I being moronic, despite my social experiment with giving him a choice working like a dream? is my wife right and I clearly know nothing? Would Super Nanny think I am an idiot of a Dad? I am at a total loss right now !

As I write this, she is not talking to me, the evening mood is ruined and I do not fully understand why this has happened. I tried to walk away from the situation initially but it came after me and I just dealt with it as I thought best!

I feel sure I'm right, as does she, so any impartial advice or guidance will be very much appreciated !!

Many thanks

[Woody1983]

I would be glad that you had helped personally.
If one of you is stressed then its great that the other helps out.
I think it was only a nice thing you did as he was obviously hungry.
Who cares what super nanny thinks (unless she is planning a visit!)
Some times I am hungry but dont fancy certain things!
I would say though, if it happens regulary, then step back as it is obviously then your son trying to play you off against each other.
Go and make her a nice cup of tea and give her a cuddle! She'll be fine.

[Rollo]

People who "walk away" from a situation like that, rather than staying to try to resolve it, are not helping themselves or the others involved.

You really need to try talking about it. If you don't, or she won't, you both risk it festering into something more damaging.

It does not matter who is "right". What matters is the resolution.

[upsydaisy]

Hi - what a shame, I guess you wife is peed off cos you came in made a perfectly reasonable and practical suggestion - which clearly worked - after she'd been having a battle with your son which no doubt made her feel guilty/bad mum, so she did what most of us women do - take it out on our husbands!! Your idea is a cracker - well done, keep with it, toddlers like to feel they have a little bit of control and this allows it whilst you the parents are still in overall charge. Sod supernanny - your son had a nutricious (sp?) meal rather than go hungry. ps your wife should try mealtimes with our 2 year old - dear go she'd be pleased her son eats such a wide range of food! My son would eat weetabix for brekkie lunch and dinner.

[annie0000]

it's a tough one - I agree that in the long term it is probably better to let him go hungry until he learns to eat whatever is presented. However, having a battle is not the way to go about it, simply present the food and take it away if not eaten and they soon get the message.

In practice however, I am a total soft touch and at the moment sometimes make 3 seperate meals to accommodate my fussy kids. If they have friends round, then I make them whatever they like to eat (within reason). I still make sure my kids have a healthy varied diet, but I don't give them foods I know they dont like - they do however get extra pocket money for trying new foods.

I sometimes wish I had been tough enough to persevere and maybe they would be eating anything by now, but I am content that we will get there one day. I personaly lived on cornflakes, cheese slices and jelly for many years and now eat most things.

As has been said, your wife would be stressed and sees you undermining her - it doesn't make what you did wrong, but you need to sit down and discuss and agree a sensible unified strategy - and stick to it. Maybe offering two choices and then if he doesn't eat what he has chosen, then just take it away and dont give him any treats. In my house, uneaten dinner = no pudding or treats, but being a soft touch, they can have a piece of fruit and a slice of bread with butter for supper.

[pinktwink]

fiestly it is vital your child is not aware of the disputes as that is what gives them the opportunity to divide and conquer. Mealtimes can become battlegrounds at all ages as they play out control issues. It is important to prepare meals you know your child like s but not get into a battle over what they eat then you are giving them control over your emotions. Two is an age children test the boundaries and they need consistency , to learn no means no and mainly a united front from their parents

[ELVIS68]

Have you or your missus ever heard of the term "Terrible Twos"?

[tamborine]

Typical....kid is bored with having mum's attention all day & you're the novelty. The child feels 'grown up' eating with dad! Keep the child's meals for when you come in.

[Danni79]

Hi, haha its not funny but sooo similar to what my husband and i got through except the other way round!! i remember being force fed things i didnt like and it didnt really teach me a lesson it just left me hungry!! my daughter is 2 and a bit and she has been feeding herself for ages i always ask her what she would like and (unless its something totally silly!) i try to accomodate i think its good to let them think for themselves and also great to encourage a bit of confidence and feel like they do have a little bit of a say so!! we have always done this and i cant say i think i am making a rod for my own back :-)
As for your wife.......As the 'stay at home' parent i do know how it feels tho sometimes when you are really struggling and trying your best (banging your head against the wall!)when daddy comes in and takes over and breezes through situations! its not yr fault but soooo annoying!! lol!! maybe you could suggest you take over tea time?? do it how ever you like and if you are making a rod i am sure you'll soon tweak it!!
Mainly tho KEEP TALKING!! discuss all this with each other open lines of communication is vital to try and avoid this stuff :-)
Hope all goes well i'm sure it'll be fine and yr both brill parents who'll have a well balanced happy child!
x x

[Finance Guy]

ELVIS - I question your wisdom heavily. 'Terrible twos' is nothing more than an empty cliche and really not applicable to explain every potentially negative situation.

There are some great answers here and I agree wholeheartedly with the more liberal minded positive replies, however some of you........... thank god you were not my parents!! LOL

Thanks to all of the constructive answers. Overall so helpful as ever and peace is now fully restored in FG Towers with a democratic approach to mealtimes and a little feeling of independance, by way of some choice, for the little angel.

Hes happy, i'm happy and she is happy - happy days all round !!

Thanks again ABers!

[ummmm]

Sounds like you've put her nose out of joint as you dealt with the situation better than her and she's the 'Mummy'

It looks like it was a battle of wills between her and the toddler. Personally, if my kids didn't eat what was offered they would have been offered a very basic snack until the next meal. Also, for lunch I would only serve up what I knew they liked. Dinner time with the whole family is a time to try new things.

[Lorzy Lor]

I dont think it is a good idea to let your child choose his own food, maybe a choice of two options. However, when a choice is made, that is what they are having. They will eat it if they are hungry, and if they do, then they get pudding. However, if they dont, they dont get anything. I dont think this is cruel. i think it teaches them. Because this is a building block stage, he is pushing the boundrys. Also too many choices can over welm a child, and he would then become stressed out if what he wanted to eat wasnt avalible.

Does this kind of thing happen often?

I do think that you should talk to your wife in a calm and aggreable manner, I think she would respond to this, and probably you could come to some agreement to stop this kind of thing happening in the future. So that your little one doesnt have to witness the argument, and cant play you off against each other. I do also think that it is important to back the other parent up, so in the childs eyes you are a united front, even if you dont agree, and tall about it after the little one has gone to bed.

Good luck xxx

:-P hey darling.......!

[curiosity]

Hello, you're right there are lots of common sense good answers here. There are also some that for me, say theres a lot of people out there listening to snippets of advice from Tv, books etc that do not address things within your context. Kids not eating pushes the buttons of mothers and some fathers I know, if kids dont eat "healthy" and "heartily" historically they are perceived as weaker, this inbuilt belief that may even be subconsious and denied by many mothers, exists. It is at the bottom of a train of panic and negative thoughts, leading to anger and frustration and feelings of being powerless and a bad parent. It's really simple to catch your own train of thoughts and see that a kid not eating what you put in front of them starts to do do you! People have similar dilemmas and spats over bedtime routines. The top and bottom of it is, in my own view, as he gets more active, school etc, he gets more hungry, develops tastes, favourites etc, he will eat, just as kids who won't go to bed, will when they are really tire by the routine of school. As for what I did with a situation like yours, I said "Ok you don't want anything" made enough lunch on my plate and sat down and started to eat, my daughter would ask for food off my plate, and I'd say shall I get you a plate "yes" was usually the answer. I never made an issue of eating, and we don't have any problems now. You both sound great anyway!

[rnchugg]

Letting them have a choice is easier then a disagreement !!

and clearly from what you said he ate it all.

If this is going to work for him then that's what it will take to see him have a good meal inside his belly.

To me as i mum I would be proud of you for getting him to eat. Well done you.