Need any help, advice or experiences especially from men - pleas

[justconfused]

Basically in a nutshell - Are there any men who after a breakdown of a marriage/relationship have found it difficult to deal with or have a relationship with their children?

Not because of the other partner being difficult but because they themselves have decided that if they can't have the 'family set up' that they don't want to see the children? Almost as if they can't have the woman then they can't have the children?

I appreciate this is probably a difficult question to answer but i really need help here as my ex who was a great loving father when we were together for 11 years - seems to totally lose all sense of responsibility and bond with my son when we separated? Even though i encouraged their relationship fully and seem to be banging my head up against a brick wall.

Help!

[justconfused]

We originally split up originally april 06 - as soon as that happened my ex went into distant/self destruct mode - he was seeing our son but only for a few hours on a sat - i tried to encourage more but he didnt seem to want it that much yet seemed upset at the same time? in april 07 we tried to reconcile and my ex became the model father again, altho we did not live together. Then in feb 08 he all of a sudden went 'funny' on me again and said i wasnt giving enough and he was off - and so same old same old with my son even tho he had promised he had learnt from previous mistakes, its got so bad with my son feeling very let down and unwanted culminating in him not having seen him since oct 08. i have tried so many times to talk to my ex and sometimes he is accepting of this but most of the time just gets angry and hostile and blames me.

my son has been thru it but is really coming out the other side now - i am just at the end of my tether and would rather my ex just say he doesnt want to know than hanging on to a thread!?

[justconfused]

and just to add my ex was adopted, and has no contact with his birth or adoptive families so im a little stuck on this and i dont know any of his friends now - he is just so frustrating and confusing - up until recently when he lost his job he had been paying maintenance regularly - altho he has been self destructing his own life again - drinking too much, not paying rent, bills etc as well as he has a gambling debt from when we were together which i did not know about until we split.
thanks

[justconfused]

Thanks Vibrasphere - i have tried to be the best mum i can be - my son is now 11. And a lovely, caring, sensitive boy who under the circumstances seems to have taken all this quite well although i do worry about how all this will affect him in the future?

I just dont understand my exes behaviour altho god knows i have tried!

I almost have a feeling that he is very jealous of me/or and our son??? In the last couple of months i have thrown an olive branch to my ex at first he was being 'friendly' but he still did not really approach the subject of our son often?! at the start of march he started being 'over friendly' by text and it culminated in him calling me and getting very upset about his life and saying he was depressed and knew he has messed up etc - i stayed objective and went to see him and he altho we did speak bout our son he seemed more interested in talking bout 'us' and what had gone wrong in our relationship? he did say he would call our son the next day, then said his phone was 'dead' - and hasnt mentioned it since? and altho i have stil tried to be pleasant he has since 'turned' on me a few times and says he cant 'deal with all this' as well as everything else and has seemed very angry towards me? i really dont understand why? also i add when i did see him he was making subtle innuendo towards me and him stil being 'man and wife' and being quite sexual albeit jokingly towards me which i just brushed off!

do you think his resentment/anger at me for whatever? stops him dealing with his son emotionally?? or is it just as he saide 'we come as a package'! yet he was the one who threw it away?! im so bloody confused!

[ftj001]

Please do not stress yourself out about that situation. There is nothing you can do about it. He is gonna have to be the one to take the initiative. I'm going through the same thing right now but to make myself feel better from time to time I remind my childrens father that he can see his children whenever he wants.

I also let my children know that their father can see them whenever he wants to. This way he will never be able to place the blame on you as my husband has tried to do because he came to pick the kids up late one weekend. All you can do is make sure you do everything within your power to extend the invitation. If he doesn't its not your fault or your problem. He will have to deal with that boy when he becomes a man.

[terambulan]

my ex was adopted, and has no contact with his birth or adoptive familiesThis is who you chose to father your son. Your ex has no role model and since he has to survive alone (all consuming for him) he has little care for his son's emotions. You have to be 'mother' to both to bond them, or abandon the ex and concentrate on your son.

Your son will learn how to care & express emotion from you and he, in turn, will teach his father - all in good time.

[justconfused]

Thanks so much so far for your advice and comments.

Terambulan - just to clarify - my ex has no contact with his birth family obviously as he was given up for adoption very young, he met his birth father bout 10 yrs ago but he rejected him again and his birth mother last year but as far as i know has no contact with her. He unfortunately was rejected by his adoptive parents after a turbulent period with them when he was 19, i did know him then. And i chose him as a partner and husband not as a father and for years he was very good at both. So i dont really see what it has to do with me choosing him but thankyou for your comments and advice.