GAY

[fiferboy]

im a17yr old gaymale,and recently iv been visiting this gay website,and been chatting to other gayguys,nothing sexual or that,i was only wanting 2chat 2 other people like me.saturday evening i was going to work,and accidently left my computer on,asi was in arush and i must have not relised.only my big brother was in,but he was going out for the night.Then yesterday night me and my mum where in the living room chatting and he came in drunk(nothing new!),and he told me never to chat to him again,and i didnt think anything of it(wearnt close),then he said he had been on my computer and he found a few stuff!(you could imagine my face).then he said i had been visiting thhis website called gaydar and my computer was full of gay porn!and i can assure you that i havnt got one single pic on my comp!and he told my mum to go through aand search my comp.i just ran out the room in tears and locked myself in my room,and i could hear two of them chatting,she told him she knew anyway.I went straight to my bed(this was at 5 and just cried all night) and my mum kept coming through asking if i wanted anything to eat or that,but i just kept telling her to go away.This morning she was going off to work at 10(brother left at 8),and she told me she will chat to him tonight.But he will make sure everyone knows,i have3 otlder brothers aswell.and i know that they will never talk or come 2 our house again,they are always saying how disgusting it is and that they should be shot etc.now im dreading going to work 2night cos i no i will end up breaking down or something and not want to go home.iv been keeping this in for nearly 5yrs now,and now its all gonna come out like this,i was happy with the way things where.my male friends will never be the same again with me..too long...ill continue the rest.....

[fiferboy]

xmas is coming up aswell and we are having a big family get to gether and now i dont want to go,i dont feel im  ready to come out but now it feels like iv been forced to......heartless as it sounds i dont think i will ever forgive my brother for what hes done,he will take great delight in spreading it around,all i want is for everything to go back to what it was,i was actually happy then...all i wanted was to chat and make new friends,its not like iv commited a crime or anything,i cant help the way i am...my family are very biast if u know what i mean,we are a bit like the dingles lol!!!!but on a serious note iv never been so angry,depressed and lonely than i am now

[splodge24]

I would try not to worry too much, unfortunately it sounds like the choice to tell people has been taken from you. However, your brothers may say things about disliking 'gay' people because they stereotype them and don't know any gay people themselves. If they love you they might be shocked at first but chances are they already knew, trust me family pick up on a lot of things! You already said you heard your mum say she knew. Your brother might have gone about it in the wrong way but maybe he just wants you to be open and honest, although he had no right to snoop on your pc in the first place. Now you have the opportunity to start a new part of your life and be open with everyone, you will probably feel much better not having to hide it anymore.
Good luck fiferboy

[IM A GENIUS]

Listen, dont give a sh*t what they think it is your life and you have to remember that. I must admit i think people being gay is wrong but i would never discriminate anyone if they are happy. Your brother(s) will come round eventually but its probably hard for them as well at the minute, Your brother that went home drunk is probably at work regretting everything he said to you. At the end of the day you are gay and there is nothing he or any of your family can do about it, and they will always love you no matter what. Try fast forwarding a couple months and try to picture what it will be like then. Like i say though this will be hard for your whole family to take in, so sit down and have a good chat with them and dont storm off if they say something harsh just let them get it off there chest. Good Luck mate

[FP]

fiferboy.  I really feel for you.  You must be feeling so alone.  Please phone one of the Gay Support groups.  You will find them in the telephone directory, or your doctor's surgery notice board or library might have the number.  You need to have someone to talk to, otherwise you will make yourself really ill. 

 

We are all very supportive on this site, so you will get a lot of positive help from people, but I think you need to chat to someone face to face.

 

You are a perfectly normal young lad and it is a shame that your brother has done what he has done.  Your mum sounds very much as if she will support you.  I'm sure your family will be there for you.

 

Best wishes

[mrs.pudding]

It seems to me that the most important thing is that your mother knows.  She wants to help you through this difficult patch and it obviously hasn't made any difference at all to the fact that she loves and cares for you.  If you know that you are gay at 17 (and have been sure for ages) then it is something that is going to be a part of you for the rest of your life and, whether they like it or not, your brothers and friends are just going to have to come to terms with it.  The real friends may be surprised or even shocked at first but it won't stop them liking you, you know, especially when they understand how difficult this is for you.  Let your mother help you.  Even if she doesn't quite understand or is unhappy about it, I'm sure all that she really wants is for you to be happy.  Speaking as a mother, we would do anything to take hurt away from our children.  Hopefully your brothers will come to understand that it need not affect their relationships with you and that, anyway, it's not really any of their business.  Do they ask you to approve of their girlfriends?  Give yourself time and talk to your mother.  You really won't feel like this for ever.

[georgit79]

Fiferboy, you don't sound heartless at all. To me, it sounds as if your brother has had a big shock and is now being very childish. It must have been a lot for him to take in, and now he is reacting to it by lashing out and rejecting the whole idea. I'm afraid it does sound as if he is slightly homophobic (?!), but if he cannot get past this and accept that you are still the same person, still his little brother, then quite frankly I'd leave him to stew.

It sounds as if your mum would be a good person to talk to. Let her in, don't be scared to tell her everything. She's your mum and she will understand and stick by you. I really feel for you, as it is a lot to deal with and you have been put in a position now where you have to come out when you're not really ready. But remember this: you do not have to prove anything to anybody.  You are who you are, simple as that.

You might be surprised by your friends' reaction when they find out. Let's face it, fiferboy, homosexuality is hardly anatheama (I think I've used that word right!) anymore, and if they are true friends they'll accept it and move on.

Be brave, be strong, talk to your mum, and remember that us answerbankers are always here for you!

[RevShirls]

Hi fiferboy, what a terrible situation for you to be in. My thoughts are very much with you. As others have said here, your choice to come out in your own time has been taken away from you and this situation has been forced on you. I have a friend who was in a similar situation. He was forced to come out because a news paper article was written about his partner and he was named in it. He and his partner came to my house extremely worried at 6.30am on the morning the article was written. he was so scared about his parents (particularly his dad) seeing the newspaper or hearing about it. We chatted and he felt it would be better to tell his parents and asked if I would come with him. Once we got to the house he told his Mum and she was great but was petrified of his dad finding out. He and his Mum asked if I would tell his dad. I had a long chat with his dad who was absolutely shocked and rather angry but after a few days he came round. He realised that his son was just the same - nothing had changed - apart from the fact that he now knew he was gay.

fiferboy, I think when you are chatting to your family you should express to them your feelings and the disappointment the way this situation has arisen and that you feel that you weren't ready to come out. You can't turn the clock back but it is times like this and situations that we have to face such as this that form our character. It is great that you have been able to express yourself so honestly. It's unfortunate that this has been forced on you, but never be ashamed or apologetic about your sexuality. Yes, things may change at home and with family but it sounds as if your Mum will be a great support to you - and perhaps now you can really be who you are.

[SGKelloe32]

I'm sure your brothers will come round in the end, just because you are attracted to men doen't make you abnormal in any sense, and eventually they will see that you are the same person that they know and love. It might just come as a shock to them as they are probably hurt that they thought they knew everything about you and they don't. Keep your chin up, be proud of who you are and try not to let this get you too down. If your mother can accept it, there is no reason that in time your brothers won't! Don't let it ruin christmas, the more you hide, the more they will not speak to you, go out and face them and show them that you don't care that they disagree with your sexuality, at the end of the day, it is your life and the only person who you have to keep happy is yourself.x

[jam4u]

there is nuthin wrong in being gay, the decision was made by you, no one can tell you how u should feel or wat u should do. it's actually a good thing, atleast now u dont have to come clean abt it, it's already been done for u, it'll take some time for people to adjust to you being gey, it'll take some time, but be patient, it'll all work out in the end. if u ever need anyone to chat to u know where u can find me. take care n all the best love.

[andy hughes]

i can only echo the majority of the sentiments expressed thus far. You have had control of a significant aspect of your life, but that doesn't stop you being who you are. You will gain strength from this experience, and if your family don't accept you, that is their loss. I hope you find the happiness and security that you need and deserve, and this is a breakthrough, rather than a breakdown, in your life. We are here if you need to chat.

[saffstar]

Hello fiferboy, I really feel for you.  I agree with pretty much everything that's already been said.  It sounds like your Mum is fine about your sexuality and is supportive of you.  You mentioned that you heard your Mum say she knew anyway, so she's had time to get used to the idea.  This may have come as a complete shock to your brother and, if he's had that blokey/anti-gay attitude drummed into him, as most young men seem to have, it could take him a while to come around and realise that you're the same person you've always been, and his attidude's been way off.

Anyone who is truly worth having in your life will, at the very least, learn to accept you for what you are. 

Part of what you're feeling is fear of the unknown - the cat's out of the bag and you don't yet know how people are going to react.  In a week's time you'll be in a much better position than you are now, because at least you'll know how things stand and you can then deal with any problems that might arise. 

Take care, and remember that we're all on your side xx

[slimfandango]

Mate, it'll pass, the reason why divorce/moving home/coming out/getting married/getting come out to are such big stressors (and this is proven) is that they all require such ....adjustment. Your brothers still love you as a brother...it's just the stress brought on by adjustment. Blood, I have realized, is incredibly thick, and over time the value they place on you as a brother will overcome any short term reaction. Why stay near home though? Move out, to a big city, live your own life, but stay in touch with home.

[fiferboy]

thank you everyone for being supportive and for the good advice....when at work today,one of my best friends at work sensed there was something wrong,but i refused to tell her,but then i felt i needed to get it off my chest,and i took her aside and kept asking for her ideas as to what was wrong wi mi,then we got to like the hundreth reason lol,and she said sexuality!!!and i just said yes and told her everything....and she wasnt even bothered,she promised to not tell anyone,and we had a good chat:-)

[FP]

And I'm sure that chat with your friend has made you feel so much better.  You sound better tonight fiferboy.  It will all work out OK.

Sleep tight xx

[fiferboy]

thanks fakeplastic,iv still not seen my mum or bro yet so ill let u know tomorro how it goes

[georgit79]

Yes, let us know (because we're all nosey!), and remember you've got laods of faceless friends right here!

[enners23]

Hi - Just to let you no im a 25 yr old make from Milton Keynes and I came out when I was 21 - its been the BEST thing i have ever done in my ENTIRE LIFE!!! Even harder for me - I have a twin sister and an older sister, and guess wot - WE'RE ALL GAY!!! - imagine how my parents reacted to that!!! Theyve been really good, my mum, no so - but still, I live with my BF of over 2 yeards, wehave a house, a dog, and everythings great - IT WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU - I PROMISE!!
Chris XXX