on a scale of 1-10, how is this song i wrote?

[KayBear1011]

Okay so i'm co-writing this song with my band member. i wanna know how it is so far. it needs alot of work i know.

“here together, gone forever”


It started out as a game,
Ended with a heartbreak,
You were my forever,
And I was your always,
We laughed and we cried,
We had our ups and our downs,
But you’re leavin today,
And im not okay,
I loved you,
And you loved me,
We we’re here together,
Fighting forever,
I watched with tears in my eyes,
As you said your final goodbyes,
You got to me,
And I didn’t wanna let go,
I held on tight,
Prayed we’d be alright,
But I know im just holdin you back,
Cause we were here together,
And I know you’re goin forever,
All I’ll have are the memories,
Of you and I,
Tryin to forget the goodbyes,
When you cried,
And I wanted to die,
we fought that night,
When we were here together,
And now you’re goin forever,
Well what am I supposed to do,
With this half empty heart, Its broke in two,
And the other half is with you, You left,
and I don’t know what to do,
Without you be my side,
Nothings new,
But the memories of when you were here that day, And now you’re gone forever.__Its about a boy/girl having to move away or go to college, if this has ever happened to you, feel free to help with the lyrics, or share stories! i'd love to hear them! thanks!

[B00]

Well until you supply us with the notes it's just a poem, so as a poem it's ok.

[Count-A-Strong]

Does it have a chorus ?

[ojread2]

you could have the best lyric in the world and with the wrong music it'll be crap

The lyric is old, been done to death and is sung by 1000's everyday in one way or another - sorry tis true

[Jemisa]

I feel its a bit long, people like to sing along but they'd never remember all those words.
Where's the choras? The subject matter is a bit sad. Depends on the music really.I feel it would go down better at a funeral.
You asked for an honest opinion. ♥

jem

[squarebear]

This doesn't follow the conventional structure for a song ie verse, choruse, verse, chorus etc.

I can't really see how you would fit it to music but good luck. As the others say, it's a nice poem.

[Ian Oldfield]

god it's one to end it all by,so country & western put to the eastenders tune

[mollykins]

What kind of beat has it got to it? and what genre would it be?

[Answerprancer]

Not bad ...a bit sad though !

[Answerprancer]

...just out of interest, does the name 'clayborny' mean anything to you?