Closure.

[gness]

Firstly...thank you for the condolences....I'm fine but you are very thoughtful.

Anyway....back to closure. I've always been a bit scathing about the word but maybe I'm changing my mind.
Our UK house sale last month was able to go through because everyone in the short chain was able to sell/purchase and move and abide by the new rules at the same time. We were so lucky in having great friends and relatives who emptied the still partly furnished house and are storing our personal belongings.
It still feels so strange though. Dave and I should have done those things....cleared and cleaned and handed over keys and said goodbye to the house and neighbours. We still feel that the house is ours.

It's the same with the death of my Mum. As we were dealing with the house a phone call from the home told us she had pneumonia and was very ill. A week later a call to say she was having end of life care and was expected to die in hours. Those hours turned into four days. My brother was able to say goodbye which was so good for him and we managed to get her parish priest to visit to give the final prayers.
My brother's great as is the funeral director who happens to be a good friend but I'm the big sister and I am doing little or nothing.
So....no goodbye...no hand holding....not there for the burial.

I'm realising that these little rituals are what helps to bring the word I have often dismissed..... closure.

[Tilly2]

You have done what you could in the circumstances, Gness. It's over.

Tomorrow will be a better day and the day after will be even better.

xx

[Barmaid]

I'd like to be able to say something wise, but I can't because it's all a bit ***.

I attended a funeral 2 weeks ago by video link. Dressed in a suit with a touch of 1940s glamour and instead of leaving the service stood and raised a glass. It wasn't the same but it was still very moving.

But the rituals of closure are just that. As important as I believe them to be I do think it's possible to achieve it psychologically.

But it is still all a bit ***. Hugs x

[Patsy33]

So sorry for your loss, Gness. Condolences to you and your family. Glad you were able to make the funeral, which helped with the closure. You did your best in these strange times. X

[Baldric]

Hi gness, first I've heard of this, not been here for a week or three. Has happened to me twice in the last 20 odd years, it was difficult to find closure, but with good friends got there eventually. You got it in one.

[gness]

Indeed it will, Tilly but as barmaid says it’s the rituals that we take for granted that do actually make a difference. X

[gness]

Hi, Patsy. The funeral is in a week and we can’t travel. Mum would be miffed as I had orders long ago about how it was to be done! :-)
Yes, Baldric. Not going through the usual things I had been expecting to have to do is strange. I keep having to remind myself she has died. X

[albaqwerty]

One of my brothers died suddenly in the States. Funeral and cremation took place there.
Although, at a later date we were able to scatter his ashes in the UK, it was still surreal.
Looking back, it feels that part of the closure would have been to have had the funeral here.

The day we were due to hand our keys over, on completion of house sale, was odd as Mr. Alba was in hospital, but I did manage to say cheerio to a few friendly neighbours.

It's strange times, gness xx

[Bobbisox1]

I didn’t know Gness ,I’d like to pass on my condolences too to you

[Patsy33]

I misread about funeral. Sorry Gness. I can imagine how you must be feeling. It must all seem so surreal. Take one day at a time. Best wishes. xx

[-SharonA-]

So sorry to hear Gness. Stay strong.

[woofgang]

Sorry Gness..... may her memory become a blessing.

[Mamyalynne]

It's hard to accept that your choices in something so inbuilt to us have been taken away.

Try to make that closure within yourself and most of all be kind to yourself too.x

[gness]

Thank you all......if I'd had my way she would have gone years ago before all the indignity that comes with Alzheimers's.
As I say....it's just so strange not going through the normal and expected procedures we've done all our lives that is making it so strange.

[tiggerblue10]

So sorry to year this Gness. Condolences to you and your family xx

[marval]

I am sorry for your loss Gness.

It is difficult at any time, but right now must make it harder.

Closure i think is something we all need, you will hopefully get that.

The situation as it is you could do no more, so be kind to yourself.

[ferlew]

Hi Gness, just poked my nose over the parapet and reading between the lines I guess you've had your fair share of bad news of late.
I just wanted to say I'm very sorry to hear your Mum has passed away, but if I recall she was struggling with her memory etc. No more struggles for her, and I hope in time you can get your closure.
Strange times indeed we are in right now, nothing is as it should be, and I guess we have to accept that. So many families are in a similar predicament right now.
Just know you have always done your best by her, and in normal times she would have understood.
I still can't bring myself to let Mr F go after almost 3 years, I had promised to take him back to the Isle of Wight, he is still with me here, when the time is right .......
Very best wishes to you and Dave, will be thinking of you on that day xx

[Barmaid]

I get the indignity thing, Gness I really do. Today mum sent me some pics of my grandfather in his last days. To me they are not him at all.

Any form of dementia is a cruel wicked thing to both the patient and those who love them.

[jno]

I think closure will come anyway. It might be different for the families of people who, for instance, died in a faraway war or just vanished, leaving them with unanswered questions.

But your Mum's come to a natural end, and your own regrets that you couldn't have marked her passing the way you would have liked can be balanced against contentment that you none the less did all you could possibly do. You've left nothing undone. Just give yourself permission, and unlimited time, to mourn.

[woofgang]

What Jno said

[gness]

Thank you, all and for your good wishes.
Lovely to see Ferlew posting. Hope you’re well and coping with these times. Tickled me you saying she would have understood. In truth she’d have given me the stare and said....... Now Gness! You know what I want and I’m relying on you to sort it! She was more than a tad bossy. :-)