Advice To Men, The Ten Worst Gifts To Buy A Woman

[marval]

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a commercial.

One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)


2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "Darling, I got you that large box of Persil you have been wanting." "This Windolene should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner."

All I can say is be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to have a look round Marks and Spencer.


3. Any sharp objects which slice or dice, or a set of kitchen knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."


4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Darling, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you."

By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for next Christmas.


5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pyjamas with a trap door in the back. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is.

Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you £1.99, such as Eau de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, mouldy fruit, or your dirty socks.

If you are going to buy her perfume, go for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewellery you see on the Shopping channel. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.)

Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewellery and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your mates.


8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say it’s beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?"

An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It’s a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.


9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat."

If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.


10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday."

These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

[zebo]

Nor the book which she very pointedly pointed to in Waterstones and said I don't want that!

[smartowl]

Thanks for the good advice Marval, do you know anybody who would like to buy a top-of-the-range cordless drill, brand new and still boxed, complete with gift wrapping?

[tonyav]

Pssssst, smartowl I'll swap you a bottle of Eau de Toilet for it.

[DaisyNonna]

Father once bought mother a set of steak knives for Christmas. No idea how he survived.

[cecil39]

you missed out, a new wok, a set of saucepans or a slow cooker so she can get more pleasure cooking your dinner, I have had all these in the past and was not pleased.

[HowardLink]

Really great advices, I will remember them

[wolf63]

My parents were married on 18 December 1962. For their 25th wedding anniversary mum got a turkey that dad had won in a Xmas raffle. My dad was such a romantic - not. He was totally clueless about women.

I bought the kitties heating pads for Xmas this year - they are ignoring them.

[gollob]

the only thing my wife would want is a widow's pension

[venator]

I bought my wife a foot spa once - it just missed my head!