What To Do With Your Winter Fuel Allowance, Lol

[boxtops]

About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel" payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel" cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on ebay your money will go Ireland
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco
* If you spend it in your corner Asian mini-mart no tax will be paid, it will be used in drug deals and eventually will be conveyed to Pakistan in a large suitcase.
* If you spend it on cheap cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria
* If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion:

Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night - It's the patriotic thing to do!

[sandyRoe]

I bought a hat with mine this year. A British made one, of course.

[boxtops]

Didn't you buy a hat last year, sandy?

[EcclesCake]

My friends Dad used it to buy the Christmas booze, that was his contribution to the Christmas table!

[sandyRoe]

Am I losing track of time. I bought the hat a while back and thought I'd use the winter money to replenish my savings.

[craft1948]

This year I think it will be Help For Heroes...............

[RATTER15]

My Mother in law who lived with us passed away at the beginning of October, we are now told we will be getting a Winter Fuel Allowance for her, when Carakeel phoned up to question this we were told that we still get it because she was alive during a week of the qualifying period, its madness, we aren't complaining but it is madness!

[gness]

I usually split mine between me and Crisis....so can I forgo the call girl?

[lady-janine]

i'm using mine to feed my g/son and any other visitors. they don't get much when they come here.

[DaisyNonna]

Need a coat.....

[paddywak]

I like your patriotic idea boxie, but I think Trish has already spent it,I've spotted several suspicious parcels hiding in the wardrobe.I noticed one from village hats so I'm hoping it's a rather nice Fedora that I accidentally kept highlighting on their site.

[tamborine]

Am spending it on animal feed but if I run short I'll have to feed on the animals

[janbee]

I gave mine to 4 local charities. They got £50 each. Did the same last year.

[Svejk]

You won't have to worry about it after the next election.