ChatterBank1 min ago
Partner (22M) Not Paying Me (24F) Rent Due To The Fact That I'm Not The One Technically Paying For It. Am I Being Taken Advantage Of?
9 Answers
TL;DR Boyfriend is living with me cost-free. Parents are helping me out financially, which he has used as justification before. I feel guilt over my lack of financial independence. Am I delusional?
I'm currently a (24F) grad student living with my boyfriend (22M) of 2 years. As it would be very difficult for me to work during school and my scholarships only cover the cost of my tuition, my parents are helping me out financially with my apartment and groceries. Most of my colleagues are on living assistance and for the most part, their only income is from loans. My parents are very blessed and generous and I am extremely appreciative of their assistance.
My boyfriend moved in with me about a year ago under the agreement that he would pay a reduced rent rate as A) I'm not technically paying for the apartment myself and B) so he could have the opportunity to build his savings. This worked for a few months until it began to fizzle out as he was not great with his money and did not build any savings, frequently eating out and buying things here and there that he didn't absolutely need. During one argument about this, he did bring up the fact that it wasn't technically my money, and that it wasn't fair for me to "profit off of him" by charging him rent to live in a place that I'm not financially contributing to.
Around 6 months in, I found out that he had failed out of his online college courses and had been lying to me for several weeks about still being enrolled (reasoning being that he was scared of how I was going to react...?). I think this was the point where I started to feel disrespected, as he continued to live with me and eat my food cost-free. After this happened, he started a certification program that was billed weekly, so he really just hasn't had any money at all. He now is having some serious car issues and has some other bills coming up so I really can't expect him to uphold our original agreement. I would like to make clear that he's also eating my food (I cook almost every night by choice as it's a hobby).
With all that being said, we are moving to a new apartment in the summer where I've drawn a hard line with him needing to pay me rent, even with my parents continuing their assistance until I am finished with school and employed.
There is a lot of vitriol towards people being helped out by their parents in their early 20s, and I have a lot of internalized guilt over my lack of financial independence. I think this is why I've let things get to this point. I want to think that he's not taking advantage of me because outside of this our problems are relatively minor, but I feel really upset when I think about the situation in a big-picture way. Any insight would be appreciated.
I'm currently a (24F) grad student living with my boyfriend (22M) of 2 years. As it would be very difficult for me to work during school and my scholarships only cover the cost of my tuition, my parents are helping me out financially with my apartment and groceries. Most of my colleagues are on living assistance and for the most part, their only income is from loans. My parents are very blessed and generous and I am extremely appreciative of their assistance.
My boyfriend moved in with me about a year ago under the agreement that he would pay a reduced rent rate as A) I'm not technically paying for the apartment myself and B) so he could have the opportunity to build his savings. This worked for a few months until it began to fizzle out as he was not great with his money and did not build any savings, frequently eating out and buying things here and there that he didn't absolutely need. During one argument about this, he did bring up the fact that it wasn't technically my money, and that it wasn't fair for me to "profit off of him" by charging him rent to live in a place that I'm not financially contributing to.
Around 6 months in, I found out that he had failed out of his online college courses and had been lying to me for several weeks about still being enrolled (reasoning being that he was scared of how I was going to react...?). I think this was the point where I started to feel disrespected, as he continued to live with me and eat my food cost-free. After this happened, he started a certification program that was billed weekly, so he really just hasn't had any money at all. He now is having some serious car issues and has some other bills coming up so I really can't expect him to uphold our original agreement. I would like to make clear that he's also eating my food (I cook almost every night by choice as it's a hobby).
With all that being said, we are moving to a new apartment in the summer where I've drawn a hard line with him needing to pay me rent, even with my parents continuing their assistance until I am finished with school and employed.
There is a lot of vitriol towards people being helped out by their parents in their early 20s, and I have a lot of internalized guilt over my lack of financial independence. I think this is why I've let things get to this point. I want to think that he's not taking advantage of me because outside of this our problems are relatively minor, but I feel really upset when I think about the situation in a big-picture way. Any insight would be appreciated.
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He is not only taking advantage of you but your parents.
Yes you are not paying for the apartment but your parents are, the rent he pays you could mean your parents don’t needs to send grocery money.
Tell him he should set up a direct payment to your parents or leave.
As for the other cost? That’s called being an adult! Can’t afford the car if it breaks down? Don’t have one!
Yes you are not paying for the apartment but your parents are, the rent he pays you could mean your parents don’t needs to send grocery money.
Tell him he should set up a direct payment to your parents or leave.
As for the other cost? That’s called being an adult! Can’t afford the car if it breaks down? Don’t have one!
You could point out that if his excuse is that your parents, and not you, are paying for the place, maybe he should go find relatives of his own to pay his rent obligations (as initially agreed) so he isn't either. He ought not be expecting your parents to subsidise him.
Ignore any perceived vitriol towards folk being helped out. That's what families do, help those family members in genuine need. (It's a pity it hadn't expanded to include the whole world, but naturally one prioritises "one's own" first.)
I think your boyfriend may well have financial issues, but they seem to be of his own making. He seems in need of a course teaching domestic finance management. He is using you (and your parents) as relief from his situation, but without your permission and against what he agreed. His excuses may seem plausible on the surface but you don't need to look far to realise they are, just excuses.
You may wish to kick him to the kerb, or alternatively agree to support him instead, until you realise he ain't ever going to get himself straight. In any event you need to make a stronger stance and decide what you agree to going forward.
Good luck trying to turn his attitude around. Not looking overly hopful at present, based on what you've posted.
Ignore any perceived vitriol towards folk being helped out. That's what families do, help those family members in genuine need. (It's a pity it hadn't expanded to include the whole world, but naturally one prioritises "one's own" first.)
I think your boyfriend may well have financial issues, but they seem to be of his own making. He seems in need of a course teaching domestic finance management. He is using you (and your parents) as relief from his situation, but without your permission and against what he agreed. His excuses may seem plausible on the surface but you don't need to look far to realise they are, just excuses.
You may wish to kick him to the kerb, or alternatively agree to support him instead, until you realise he ain't ever going to get himself straight. In any event you need to make a stronger stance and decide what you agree to going forward.
Good luck trying to turn his attitude around. Not looking overly hopful at present, based on what you've posted.
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